The Blotter March 03 2011

Some graffiti artists gave a white church van the intergalactic treatment as it sat parked on Hosea Williams Drive. An officer wrote, “The graffiti colors were green, purple and blue, and appeared to be some type of alien figure. Also, there were a series of characters that did not seem to reference any particular word; however, the characters left in the paint were ‘CNURE.’” The church secretary couldn’t think of any potential suspects who might be unhappy with the church. Or who might be aliens.

JAVA JITTERS: A disgruntled spa owner allegedly gave a 19-year-old business associate a coffee shower outside his Midtown business. Upon arriving at the scene, an officer wrote, “There was coffee all over the arm of his coat. There was also a plastic lid from the coffee cup on the top of the car. Coffee was splashed all over the window of the car, down the left side, and onto the hood.” (Apparently, it was a really big cup of coffee.) The spa owner denied yelling at or throwing coffee onto the 19-year-old, and instead told police that he’d just tripped and spilled his coffee by accident. The cops didn’t buy it, and brought him to jail for disturbing the peace.

SLUMLORD MILLIONAIRE: A 32-year-old woman called police because the manager of her Allen Temple Court apartment refused to make repairs, even though her commode is essentially falling through the bathroom floor. The officers who checked it out wrote, “She showed us a hole that was around the toilet that looked like it was in the process of falling into the basement or ground floor. We also observed in the kitchen area where it appears that it was sinking as well, as if the floor underneath was dry rotting.” Oh, and, they might have spotted the culprits: termites making their way out of the main structure. The woman said her apartment has been slowly crumbling around her for more than a year.

ROCK THIS TOWN: A 56-year-old man proved, yet again, that money can’t buy sense. Officers reported to a 911 call that a middle-aged man was standing at the intersection of Marietta Street and Ivan Allen Jr. Boulevard throwing rocks at passing cars. Police located the man and asked why he was standing in the middle of the road, but he seemed confused, and just kept saying, “I have money. I have money on my card.” If he did actually have money, at least he could use it for bail. He went to jail for being a “pedestrian in the roadway.”

AGGRAVATED ASS-AULT: A bleeding bachelor told police that he’d been stabbed in the butt by his pissed-off girlfriend. According to a witness, the girlfriend showed up and the two started arguing. Apparently, the girlfriend pushed the man seven times — and he never retaliated. But after the seventh push, the man grabbed a rake, but still didn’t make any contact with his girlfriend. The witness said that’s when the girlfriend pulled out a knife and got all stabby.

When a police officer called the girlfriend’s cell phone, she actually answered and told them “she was driving down the freeway in a gold Pontiac Grand Prix.” She insisted she hadn’t done anything wrong — but added that she still had the knife on her. The officer ordered her to return, but she never did. The man went to a hospital in stable condition.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.