The Blotter June 02 2011

A 44-year-old Buckhead man called police because he's afraid of his street-fighting, karate-champion roommate. His fears were exacerbated when he woke up one morning and found a knife sticking out of the countertop in the kitchen. The roommate — who doesn't pay any bills and isn't on the lease — never directly threatened him, but the man said he was still really freaked out. Luckily, a guy named Hercules — a doi — was supposed to be coming over that day to help the roommate move out.

TRICKY LITTLE DICKY: An undercover officer said that when a woman hopped into his car on West Lake Avenue, he went ahead and asked her what she was good at. "Both," the woman replied. The officer said he asked if he could "beat the pussy up" (have sex) for $25. The woman said he could, but only if his dick wasn't too big. The woman agreed when the officer ensured her that his member is "only an inch." She went to jail on prostitution charges.

SWEET DREAMS: A man was sleeping peacefully on a sidewalk on Eighth Street, when a police officer nudged him awake and told him to scram. According to the officer, "The man then began rambling about a variety of things, including newspapers and tissues and how much air can be held in a balloon." He also had a hard time deciding on a name, first telling the officer his name is Michael, then saying, "Kevin ... uhmmmm." The man didn't have ID, and went to jail on several charges.

GONE DADDY GONE: A woman called police when she realized her debit card and AK-47 were missing from her Greenhaven Drive home. The prime suspect? According to the woman, her father. She said she first noticed something was up when her daughter's wallet went missing, and then discovered that her trusty assault rifle had vanished from its hiding spot behind the bed. She says it took several days before she realized her debit card was missing from its hiding spot in her car. The woman said her father had been staying with her, but left yesterday with her car and never returned. He returned the keys via a neighbor.

LOST AND FOUND: One Thursday afternoon, a 29-year-old woman was hanging out in her bedroom at her Monroe Drive apartment when she heard the front door open. At first, she figured it was her boyfriend, but after a few minutes, the woman investigated and found a strange man standing in her living room. The man — who might have been drunk — said he was looking for the Vortex, and was wondering if the woman lived at the Vortex. The woman assured the man she doesn't, and asked him to get out. When the man finally left, she realized her wallet was gone, along with $778 cash inside. Also, a large box of records had been scattered around her hallway. Police checked for fingerprints, but couldn't find any.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.