The Blotter July 28 2011

It was only around 8 a.m. when a local convenience store clerk says a 19-year-old woman attempted to abscond with a 24-ounce can of Crazy Stallion malt liquor. The clerk activated the store’s automated door locks to prevent the thirsty teen from leaving. When police arrived, she had an interesting explanation: “The devil made me steal the beer.” She went to jail on a shoplifting charge. Oh, and the beer was worth $1.18.

SUGAR SHUNNER: A local entrepreneur reported to police that someone keeps breaking into her ice cream truck. According to the woman, the health-conscious crook consistently forgoes ice cream’s empty calories in favor of sandwich stuff. She says $200 worth of meat, cheese and bread were stolen from the truck.

GREAT SPOT FOR RENDEZVOUS? Around 3:30 on a sunny summer afternoon, an officer got a call about a couple doing the horizontal mambo at a charter school on Custer Avenue. A woman who works as a “parent liaison teacher” at the school said she saw two suspicious people having sex behind the soon-to-be administrative office, which looks like a small house. The randy man reportedly had on a white T-shirt, blue shorts and white socks. The horny woman reportedly had on blue shorts, flip-flops and a shirt that hung off her shoulder. The police officer wrote, “I passed by them at first, thinking they would leave, but they refused, so I backed up by the trash cans until they put back on their clothes and left ... both people looked like they were on drugs or alcohol.”

According to the officer, the parent-teacher liaison said “that the two people looked familiar from the area and she was very upset because she witnessed the penetration between the two individuals.”

TOURIST TRAP: A man from Jacksonville, Fla., said he, his wife and their three kids were driving to a family reunion and they stopped in Atlanta to see the sights. So what was the family’s first stop? The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial? Nope. The Carter Center? Not even close. Auburn Avenue, the Margaret Mitchell House or even Piedmont Park? No, no and no.

First stop: Ikea. After some fun-filled family time spent perusing reasonably priced Scandinavian furniture, the man said they headed to a Braves game. But when they arrived, the man looked in the trunk and realized all the family’s stuff was gone, including three large suitcases, 10 swimsuits, 11 pairs of sandals, 12 outfits for each of the five family members, 240 music CDs and two video cameras.

CANE IN VAIN: A married couple from Knoxville, Tenn., was visiting Atlanta when they got into a brawl on Harwell Road. After a bender one night, the husband said his wife got upset at him so she hit him in the face with her cane. Medics arrived, but the husband refused to cooperate. The husband got very upset and refused to answer any more police questions. Then he said he wanted to speak with his wife. An officer wrote, “At that time [the husband] and wife began to hug and kiss each other.” The man said he didn’t want to press charges against his wife. Romance.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.