Bad Habits - Indecision 2000 - November 25 2000

In the wake of the strangest, perhaps worst, and certainly most baffling election in U.S. history, I've come to examine my knowledge of democracy and the election process. It's not pretty. Everything I learned about our government comes from high school — from a part-time coach, a half-assed history teacher, and a Cold War colonel.
I decided to reexamine my so-called "knowledge" after giving a gung-ho, America's-the-greatest-country-in-the-world oration to a friend of mine when I found out she didn't vote, has never voted and plans to keep it that way. I cut loose with a speech that would have made Patrick Henry proud. It was all about the foundation of democracy, patriotic duty and participatory government. It was a good and moving speech. But still she had questions, such as, "What is the Electoral College and why do we need it?"
Then, I went on another rant about ancient Rome and the populace being too easily swayed and something about the Republic and defusing things. But when she pinned me down with, "So, do you vote in the local elections? Aren't they the foundation of everything else? Isn't it just a big pyramid scheme?" I decided to shut up. I realized I didn't really know what the hell I was talking about (which doesn't usually stop me). I mainly shut up because I'll be damned if I can muster interest in local politics. I come out only for the big guns of governor and president. It was an awakening. After all my speechifying and posturing, turns out I may not be little Miss Civics after all.
Not only did my education on government come from high school, it was in summer school no less. While I was high as a kite. See, back in the day, you could actually go to summer school to get ahead. And as my best friend Candy (name changed to protect myself from her wrath) and I had a lot of time on our hands, we took the opportunity to put a year of mind-numbing government and economics out of the way in a few weeks. I'm not saying government and economics are mind-numbing in and of themselves. All I'm saying is that such was the case at the public high school on James Island, S.C.
So, by 11 a.m., while our bum friends had done nothing but sleep, we'd already gotten baked, been to school and hung out at the Majik Market. All this before noon, I tell you. We were go-getters for sure. Now, I'm realizing summer school may not be the best place to pick up your knowledge of how government works. Although I mean no disrespect to Coach Taylor or Mr. Brown, those classes weren't exactly "challenging" even while I was dazed and confused. I'm pretty sure it's where I picked up some of my civic duty speeches, though, and I thank them for that.
My friend's Electoral College question also conjured images from the past. But none that had anything to do with actual knowledge, just a hazy memory of a take-home U.S. history question, "Is the Electoral College an antiquated system?" that good ole Col. Watson gave us. My friend Galin and I worked on the question all night, only taking breaks to try to grind up No-Doz and snort it. (Kids, that doesn't work so well.)
With this past, it's a wonder I didn't vote for Bush. No, I voted Gore, even though Tipper chaps my ass. Why? Because I care about this great country of amber waves of grain (Jesus, there I go again).
So, what's the key? The key to this is just shut up if you don't know what you're talking about. And just shut up if you can't fill out a ballot, because people, never is it OK to punch two holes for one name. But then again, I don't know what I'm talking about. Civics anyone?