Bad Habits - Mel Gibson -- excommunicated! - March 18 2004

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the ordination of Jane V. Catoe.

I've got the credentials to prove it and everything. I may have "earned" them off the Internet, but you can tell the certificate is official because of its fancy scrollwork. I can perform weddings, baptisms, maybe even pet funerals.

It only goes to show that just when you think you know a person, they can throw you a curveball. Much like Mel Gibson, heretofore known for his bazillion action films with Danny Glover, now known as a total nut job.

Originally, I became ordained so I could branch off and establish Jane-ism. Turns out — much to my chagrin — there already is a Jainism. Sure, it's spelled differently, but it'd get too confusing. But I hastened the ordination process so I could officially weigh in on an important spiritual matter.

As my first order of business, I have excommunicated Mel Gibson. Now, I know what you're saying: You can't excommunicate Mel — he's a Catholic, not a Jane-ist. But my religion — with its predilection for snappy hats, dogma and young men — is similar to Catholicism, so think of this as a pre-emptive strike.

I've purged Mel from my church because of his controversial film The Patriot, which I caught recently on the Superstation. Not only is it possibly the worst movie ever, as a minister, I'm concerned about the message this is going to send the British. I'm worried that it could even lead to the persecution of British people, already long derided in Europe and America as total prigs and poofters. If people leave the film knowing one thing, it should be that not all Brits are poofters. Some are merely bloody wankers.

And even though the British were trying to stop America from becoming America, keep in mind they were dealing with their own socio-political issues at the time that may have caused them to see the colonies as treacherous, rebellious and footloose.

If they'd only known that without America, there would have been no one to save their Nellie foo-foo asses in World War II; I'm sure they would have behaved differently.

The Revolutionary War, though it happened long ago, is still a hotbed of controversy. And scholars are divided on the interpretation of traditional historical documents stemming from the event, such as the U.S. Constitution. Some say it provides for gay marriage, some say it doesn't. One thing is certain: It does allow for hideous atrocities such as The Patriot. Which I'm fairly sure led to the PATRIOT Act.

Gibson claims to harbor no animosity toward the British and says critics have foolishly misinterpreted why he kills so many of them in the film. "I kill them because I love America, not because I hate the British!"

The production is devilish enough on its own. But coupled with a cynically calculated PR strategy and someone giving Heath Ledger a speaking role, I can officially say that Mel Gibson is evil incarnate.

But Gibson isn't the first Hollywood director to be kicked out of my church. Retroactive to the debut of Pulp Fiction, one Mr. Quentin Tarantino has also been tossed out. I assure you there is also a special place in hell reserved for the man who resurrected the acting career of John Travolta. At the time, it seemed a harmless enough novelty, a quaint nod to '70s kitsch. What a laugh — there's Vinnie Barbarino!

And I'm not saying Tarantino knew what he was doing, but he should have thought about providing a springboard for the former boy in the plastic bubble. I hold Tarantino responsible for such wickedly bad Travolta films as Michael and Battlefield Earth.

Andrew Lloyd Webber came close to being tossed out on his ass for Starlight Express, but I have a fondness for his Jesus Christ Superstar, which unlike Gibson's The Patriot, conveys the good guys, the bad guys, and their violent behavior — all to divinely singable show tunes. Amen to that.

jane.catoe@creativeloafing.com

Next week: The Rev. Jane takes on gay marriage.