Zell’s next career

Weeks after Zell Miller gave his rousing speech at the Republican Convention, two facts remains indisputable: America deserves Zell, and Zell deserves his own reality show. Here are just a few of the shows we’d like to see. Note: In each show, a frazzled character would eventually say: %22Every minute we sit around, we get weaker, and every minute Zell squats in the bush, he gets stronger.%22

“Zigzag” We air-drop contestants into a pristine wilderness that hasn’t yet been tagged for oil production or timber operations. They must follow a trail that has been blazed days earlier by Zell Miller, armed only with a Boy Scout pocketknife and the latest edition of “Who’s Who in the Republican Party.”

Contestants must attempt to catch Zell while navigating a zigzag course across rocky ravines, down slippery slopes and through incredibly thick bushes. The winning contestant will be the first person to reach Zell and snatch away his coveted gold ring (“Preciousssss!”).

“Zell Hits the Road” When America’s newest odd couple, Zell Miller and Paris Hilton, hit the Appalachian Parkway, you can be sure righteous indignation isn’t far behind. In the first episode, Zell and Paris visit a small mill town where Paris flirts with all the unemployed, uninsured men, and the Georgia Snuffy Smith challenges them all to a duel.

“Blind Date from Zell” Contestants believe they are going on a blind date with the man of their dreams. Then Zell Miller knocks on their door. Those who choose to continue the date will find a stretch Hummer waiting to whisk them away to the nearest Huddle House. Unbeknownst to the young women and Zell, professional actors will approach Zell throughout the night and engage him in conversation over flip-flops and waffles. The winning contestant will grant Zell a kiss at the end of the night, but only in exchange for a peek at his current voter registration card.

“Zell Factor” Contestants will be forced to eat a series of increasingly disgusting animal body parts that have been chewed earlier by Zell Miller. Winner must keep his food down — while viciously attacking people he was previously loyal to.

“Swan” Hosted by Zell Miller, this reality show features a high-stakes beauty pageant in which old, saggy Democrats transform themselves into old, dashing Republicans. Not recommended for younger viewers.

“Traitor” A handful of the nation’s brightest, sexiest political advisers will live under one roof and attempt to work out complex national and international issues. But they also must overcome distractions caused by their live-in cook, Zell Miller.

Hal Jacobs is a writer living in Decatur.