Real Housewives" Ep. 5: It's always the classy ones who put powdered sugar in their va-jay-jays"

• NBC Universal
• What better way to spend your Mother's Day than hearing Phaedra talk about her hoo-ha?

Business magazine Ad Age released a new report yesterday linking personality traits to the TV shows consumers watch. In their effort to match brands with audiences, they found that creative people watch "Mad Men" and prefer brands like Apple, or that people who consider themselves superior to others are 47% more likely to watch "The Office." But they also found that "pugnacious" people who "value honesty over keeping the peace" are more likely to watch the "Real Housewives." I guess those people are also more likely to be on the show. Viewers of the "very advertiser friendly" program prefer brands like Botox and Crest Whitestrips, but I think they left off sugar—I mean, powdered sugar.

The traditional Southern debutant classiness of Miss Phaedra Parks is well documented in my blog. In fact, any reader who suggests otherwise must be jealous of the stylish, sophisticated, powerful Atlanta lawyer. But classiness is open to interpretation, as she likes to talk about putting powdered sugar in her vagina. Also: she is a terrible liar, which makes me question her skills as an ex-con marrying attorney. Also also: she takes pictures sucking on really big pickles. But this story begins with Kandi.

Earlier this season, Kandi vowed to try to stay celibate while dating (though I think oral sex was okay for her). She wanted to date seriously and find a man that would be a great husband and great father to her child Riley. So how does Sister Kandi express her commitment to celibacy? By hosting the online sex show "Kandi Koated Nights." Ouch, my stomach just contracted in pain. I'd maybe listen to sex advice from Nene. Hell, even Phaedra probably has a few tricks up her billowy sleeve if she's keeping that hot piece of ex-con hunkiness Apollo. But Kandi? Fail. It's always the sexless ones who are the first to talk about sex. Kim goes on the show, you know since she hates the limelight and doesn't want to talk about her true life lesbian affair, and she's asked if her relationship with Big Poppa is cheating. Kim explained it kind of like the "Sex and the City" episode where a man had an uptown girlfriend and a downtown girlfriend, and the lines were never to be crossed. Of course Kim doesn't think it's cheating because Big Poop's wife and children live on the West Coast, but he lives in Atlanta. Makes perfect sense.