Why do gay guys keep hitting on me?

What's with the gay man trying to fuck the straight man? I mean, I understand the fantasy element to a degree, but the persistence almost makes me wanna beat some ass. Not in a sexual fashion, of course.

— Tired of It

Dear Homo,

I hate to break this to you, but gay guys don't hit on another guy unless they think he's gay or bi. I'm thinking maybe your friends know something you don't.

Here's what happens when we gay guys meet a straight guy who turns us on: We try to get to know him and figure out if he's closeted or bi without coming on to him. We're not overt for obvious reasons: 1) We might get the wrong kind of pounding; 2) We might ruin our chances if he's a closet case who wigs out; and 3) We set ourselves up for an extremely awkward or humiliating experience if we're wrong about his orientation.

So, we look for certain signals during a conversation — does he hold eye contact longer than usual? Does he have a girlfriend or wife? Does he bring up women? Is he giving off a sexual vibe? Does he seem personally interested in what you're saying? Does he seem interested, period? If we perceive him to be straight, we don't go any further than a straight guy would in learning the object of his affection is lesbian. Just as there aren't many guys who are going to waste their time on a lesbian when there are so many straight women out there, there aren't many gay guys who are going to waste their time on somebody they can't have.

I call this a reconnaissance mission. You call it sexual harassment. I call it friendly. You call it predatory. I say gay men don't make physical advances on men they believe to be straight. You say they do.

Well, you're wrong. Part of me wants to ANSWER YOU IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I DOUBT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE 1950s.

When gay guys are attracted to a guy who turns out to be straight, we stop. We don't keep going unless we think you're a closet case. Or if we're really, really drunk.

In fact, upon finding out that the guy we like is straight, gay guys go through Elizabeth Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief:

1) Denial ("My gaydar is never wrong!")

2) Anger ("Goddammit, I just wasted 20 minutes of my life.")

3) Bargaining ("Well, if I can't have him, then I at least want to be around him.")

4) Depression ("Fuck, I'm never going to get laid.")

5) Acceptance ("Oooh. Who's the cute guy in the corner?")

There's another thing you haven't considered: We don't think you straight boys are all that hot. Oh, sure we fantasize about the Jason Stathams and Chace Crawfords, but you know what? For the most part, we think you're fat, oafish and dull. Which makes the accusation of being predatory rather comical.

Let me get to the point before I run out of space: You're not upset that gay men are hitting on you. You're upset that they think you're gay. And you can't stand that idea because then you get tarred with the same blatant prejudices — accusations that you're not a real man, that there's something fundamentally wrong with you or that you're the living embodiment of a spiritual crime.

Welcome to our world. Here's my advice: If you're a straight guy who constantly gets hit on by gay guys, you need to congratulate yourself — you must truly be good-looking. And probably gay.

If you're not a member of the gay church ("Come for the mass, stay for the ass"), then do what good-looking women do when they get hit on — make your exit gracefully.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike is the author of a line of gay dating ebooks and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.