THE BLOTTER: Wiped out!

In a flash, all of Atlanta’s population became obsessed with one thing: Wiping their asses. And consumed with fear over supplies running out for said ass-wiping. Toilet-paper thievery reports suddenly surpassed reports of more conventionally appealing items for bandits, like flat-screen TVs. And it wasn’t just experienced robbers with TP on the brain: A seemingly sane and wholesome-looking elderly grandfather knocked innocent children to the ground for a single roll of Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush. 

Grocery store parking lots across ATL abruptly transformed into bitch-slap combat zones, one pitting a suburban housewife versus a bearded urban hipster with a man-bun — with both sides madly wrestling over 18-packs of Charmin Ultra-Soft 2-Ply Mega Rolls. 

Of course, it’s not just in the ATL. More than 3,000 miles away, the police department in Newport, Oregon got fed up with fielding “emergency” calls over toilet-paper shortages. “It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” Newport police wrote on Facebook. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance. In fact, history offers you many other options in your time of need if you cannot find a roll: Mayans used corncobs … Farmers used pages from the Farmers Almanac.” The police post goes on to suggest “grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting in front of you … Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.” 

Humanity still hasn’t recovered. 

ALL THAT GLITTERS: One evening, a 35-year-old woman was walking in downtown Atlanta, past the horse-driven carriages lined up for tourist rides on Luckie Street. Suddenly, “a horse bit her right arm.” 

A cop noted: “The woman described the horse as a 17-hand draft Paint color horse with black and white spots and gold glitter polish(ed) hooves.”

The horse’s handler — a man with a short haircut — asked the bitten woman if she wanted a free carriage ride, to make up for the horse bite. No thanks, said the woman, refusing the bonus ride. 

Also, she refused to go to the emergency room, insisting the horse bite wasn’t that bad. The reporting officer noted clearly visible bruises and abrasions on the woman’s right arm. 

REVENGE WITH CONDIMENTS: A 20-year-old man walked into the Grant Park Police Department to report a dispute with his girlfriend. He said he posted something on social media that his girlfriend did not agree with, and she began to accuse him of cheating. “Since then, she has texted him multiple times, threatening to send nude pictures of him to his mother and calling his job,” the reporting cop noted. “He believes she also trashed his vehicle by tossing mustard all over it.” 

The boyfriend had proof, showing texts and video to cops.  He said he would try to get a restraining order. 

MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS: Around midnight in Grant Park, a cop peered out a Zone 3 precinct window — and spotted a blue Nissan Altima idling at the intersection of Cherokee and Atlanta avenues. Other cars piled up “behind the Nissan, honking their horns to get the vehicle to move,” the observant cop noted.

The cop walked outside to check it out.  “I approached the vehicle and saw a man slumped over the driver seat. I then started knocking on the windows, but got no response from the driver. I then went to the driver’s side of the vehicle and opened the door and started shaking (the driver) … after about 20 seconds of shaking him, he finally responded.” 

The cop asked: Did you have any alcoholic drinks tonight? 

The driver: Yes, I did. 

“He then stepped out (of the car) and could barely keep his balance. Medics arrived, examined him, and said he wasn’t injured, just drunk. 

Just to review: Not only did this gentleman pass out in his car around midnight, directly in front of the Grant Park police station. He also did so a) in his girlfriend’s car and b) while driving on a suspended license. Talk about making cops’ jobs super-easy. 

The man was arrested and charged with a DUI Less Safe; impeding the flow of traffic; and driving with a suspended license. His girlfriend was allowed to come pick up her Nissan Altima before her boyfriend went to jail. 

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE MAN! In the Old Fourth Ward around 7:30 a.m., a 31-year-old woman called police to her apartment on Linden Avenue. “(She) said she woke up to get ready for the day before her boyfriend (and father of her child),” a cop noted: The girlfriend said her boyfriend woke up and was upset that he overslept and was now late for work — and blamed her for not waking him up … so he flipped over her mattress and dresser, upside down,” the cop noted. “The boyfriend then grabbed the blinds in their bedroom, ripping and removing several sections of blinds from the window.” The girlfriend started to call 911 — and her boyfriend punched a hole in the hallway wall and left the apartment. She wasn’t sure where he went. 

Cops noted that the girlfriend wasn’t concerned or afraid about her personal safety … but she wanted a police report because her angry lover had damaged items belonging to the apartment management company, like the wall and blinds. “(The girlfriend) said her boyfriend has anger issues but has never put his hands on her,” the cop noted.

CHIP ON THE SHOULDER? In the Joyland neighborhood, an argument between a customer and a store manager broke out at a convenience store on Pryor Road. A 29-year-old woman said she bought some Lays Potato Chips for her and her children. The woman said she and her kids were eating the bag of chips when she realized the bottom of the bag contained more than chips. “When she opened it, dead ants were in the bottom of the chip bag.” 

The woman wanted a refund for her insect-infested potato chips. And she wanted a full refund for everything she bought at the store : $12. The store manager refused to give her any refund. 

A cop showed up and heard both sides. “I informed (the woman) that she’d have to take up a claim with Lays Company,” the reporting officer noted.

BITTER FRUIT: On Auburn Avenue, a grocery store owner said a local drug dealer named “Fruit” was harassing a male customer in his 60s who was withdrawing money from the ATM located inside the store. The customer complained to the grocery-store owner – and suddenly Fruit intruded and got upset because he falsely believed the owner allowed the customer to take his place in the ATM line. According to the owner, “Fruit” was beyond frustrated with the situation – so the owner asked him leave the store. “Fruit” refused to go – so the owner picked up the phone to call police. That’s when Fruit the Drug Dealer threatened to kill the owner if he actually did call the police (which he promptly called).  By the time cops arrived, Fruit was long gone.

Fruit the Drug dealer is described as a skinny man wearing a red hat and a black jacket. Nothing further.

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.