THE BLOTTER: Resolutions for the hell of it

You say you want a resolution? You’ve been bad this year. So bad.

Fortunately, ATL has plenty of sinners to keep you company. Here are some New Year’s Resolutions for you … to help kick off 2020.

RESOLUTION #1: STOP GAMBLING: A man in jeans was playing the Georgia Skill gambling machine inside a gas station on McDonough Boulevard. Suddenly the man got up, grabbed a can of soup, and hurled the soup can at the gaming machine, shattering the glass. The whole soup-rage incident was captured on video, but the man raced out of the gas station before police arrived.

RESOLUTION # 2: CONTROL YOUR SNACKING: In the Westview neighborhood, a boyfriend and girlfriend returned from work around 6:30 p.m. and discovered their Oakland Drive home near the BeltLine had been burglarized.

Apparently, the robber had gourmet taste.

“During the burglary, the perpetrator decided to prepare himself multiple meals in the victims’ kitchen. He prepared spicy chorizo on their stove, prepared a ham sandwich, and also indulged in some sardines,” the reporting police officer wrote.

“During this culinary experience, the suspect touched multiple items in the kitchen, such as bottles of ketchup and hot sauce. The ketchup was brand new, and the victims hadn’t touched it. I was able to lift fingerprints from both condiment bottles,” the cop recalled, noting that “the suspect also attempted to move their TV stand in the living room, leaving fingerprints which were subsequently collected.”

Items reported stolen include: a small saw, an iPhone 7 that no longer worked, a Samsung tablet, a green camping bag, and three credit cards (Sephora, Victoria’s Secret, and JC Penny’s) from the girlfriend’s wallet.

Oddly enough, the couple got most of their stuff back.

The next day, a guy was walking his dog near the West BeltLine at the intersection of Allen and Elbert avenues. He found the couple’s green camping bag lying near the roadway — and called police. Cops looked inside the bag and found “several tools” belonging to the couple, along with cans of tuna, a Samsung tablet, and the nonworking iPhone 7.

RESOLUTION #3: KNOW WHEN TO CHILL … AND WHEN TO GO: A security guard was doing his rounds at an outdoor flea market near Adair Park when suddenly, he noticed a man dressed in black clothes, lying on top of a large refrigerator.

The guard asked: “Why are you on top of the refrigerator?”

The man’s response: He was being chased by two pitbull guard dogs through the flea market.

The security guard repeatedly asked the man to climb down from his refrigerator perch — and immediately leave the flea market. But the man refused.

So the guard called the police.

The reporting cop recalled, “I met with the suspect, who stated he was being chased by two dogs and ended up on top of the refrigerator. He said he was bitten on his left foot during the chase.”

The cop asked: “What are you doing at the closed flea market after midnight?”

The man replied: “Looking for a scooter.”

The cop noted: “There was no scooter...but there were other things of value on the property.”

The man admitted he jumped the gate to enter the flea market without consent.

The cop charged the 20-year-old man with criminal trespassing and took him to Grady Hospital for his dog-bite injuries. 

RESOLUTION #4: ZIP IT!!: One morning a 32-year old woman wearing a black leather mini-dress was blocking the doorway of a hotel on Linden Avenue, preventing people from entering and leaving the hotel.

She was very agitated, screaming and yelling at the security guards. Also, she was unsteady on her feet, and her breath smelled like booze.

Apparently she was trying to solicit men at the hotel bar earlier .… before she moved to the doorway.

A cop arrived and asked her to explain why she was so upset.

“She began to speak loudly, she would never finish a thought or make a complete sentence. She kept ranting and changing stories, and it just wasn’t making any sense,” the cop noted. “She kept trying to talk over everyone, stating she knew the law as she yelled out at the security guard.

“She then revealed she was just trying to eat breakfast (at the hotel), and they were supposed to call her an Uber. Also, she revealed that she was not a paying hotel guest... and she claimed to be meeting some people there (but she didn’t have any names or room numbers).”

The lady in the leather mini-dress just wouldn’t shut up. Eventually, police had enough of her incoherent rambling — and took her to jail for trespassing.

RESOLUTION #5: GET HELP FOR THE WHISTLING IN YOUR EARS: A 22-year-old woman in South Buckhead called police and reported “a male was on her porch patio, whistling.”

This was not the first time the whistling individual has been on her porch, she claimed.

“The woman advised the person never attempts to get into her apartment but he stays on the porch,” the cop noted.

So the cops went to her apartment on Peachtree Valley Road to check it out.

“When we arrived, nobody was on the porch, and (the 22-year-old woman) wasn’t sure if somebody was on the porch — she just heard whistling outside her window. Nothing further.”

RESOLUTION #6: QUIT SMOKING: A 42-year-old man met his friends for dinner at a Buckhead restaurant called The Southern Gentlemen. The man said after dinner, he and his friends adjourned to the restaurant’s front patio for a smoke break. While the 42-year-old was puffing on a cig, he says a total stranger — a tall guy wearing a grey sweatshirt — stormed onto the patio, walked up to him, and asked, “Who insulted my girlfriend?”

Before the 42-year-old could explain that he had nothing to do with insulting anyone’s girlfriend, the tall stranger punched him in the right eye and left the patio.

Apparently, the tall stranger left the Southern Gentleman restaurant before police arrived.

RESOLUTION #7: KEEP YOUR PANTS ON: A 60-year-old man was causing a disturbance at Grady Hospital — so three security guards tried to kick him off the hospital property.

“In return, (the man) unzipped his pants and pulled out his genitals as to insult the Grady security officers, and then proceeded to try to walk off.”

Of course, his genital display drew a crowd of staring hospital patrons. Also, his junk show was captured on video.

“There was video (of him) performing the indecent act... and a multitude of other people around who appeared to be watching the incident,” noted an officer.

Police searched the man and found three packs of Viagra pills. His spontaneous dick show landed him in jail for indecent exposure.

RESOLUTION #8: GET MORE SLEEP: In West End around five a.m., an officer was sitting in a parked patrol car on a median of Joseph E. Lowery Boulevard. His lights were activated, producing a steady beam of blue light. Looking up, he saw a white Chrysler 300 swerving and “traveling head-on toward the patrol vehicle. The driver (a 27-year-old woman) had her head down and looked up seconds before colliding with the patrol vehicle, then attempted to swerve back into her lane.”

Both cars sustained significant damage. No one was seriously hurt. A second officer arrived to question the female driver, who was chatting on her cell phone.

The cop recalls: “I asked her if I could talk to her for a minute. (She) signaled she was almost done using the phone.”

Finally, she put her phone away. Her eyes were watery and blood-shot, and her breath smelled of booze.

The driver claimed she fell asleep behind the wheel after work and only had two drinks. Also, the driver said she was “going home and attempting to get on 1-75 South by trying to get on I-20,” which makes no sense.

She went to jail for DUI, after blowing well over the legal limit for alcohol and failing several sobriety tests.

RESOLUTION #9: DON’T BE SO PARANOID: In the Old Fourth Ward, a 25-year-old woman called police and said a white car was following her. A cop went to her apartment on Boulevard to hear her story.

“She stated that a month ago, when she was walking out of her school, a man offered her a CD and she refused. She stated that the man seemed aggressive to give her the CD,” the reporting officer noted. “Today, she said she went to take out the trash at home, and a white vehicle driving south on Boulevard stopped and backed up to where she was at. (The woman) then ran back to her apartment. She didn’t recognize the subject either time.”  —CL—

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.
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