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THE BLOTTER: ‘You’re a mean one, 2020’
And other stories of life in the ATL from the past year
YOU’RE A MEAN ONE, 2020 GRINCH: In Cumming, Georgia, a man named Larry Gunter and his family decided to put up Christmas decorations a wee bit early — the week before Thanksgiving.
The Andover Glen homeowner’s association (HOA) flipped out. Because? 2020. This year, they decided to implement a new policy banning pre-December Christmas décor in the entire neighborhood. Seriously.
Larry Gunter says that policy was crafted by grinches.
Gunter is rebelling — along with his wife Bree and daughter Hanna.
“The fine is $15 a day if we keep them up until December 1st — and we are choosing to keep them up,” he told CBS46.com. Adds Bree, “If we have to pay the fine, we pay the fine. We want to be happy, we want to show cheer and joy.”
You might be wondering: Did the Gunter family go overboard with some kind of excessive Vegas-style glitzy Christmas décor outside their suburban home?
The Gunter family’s holiday décor is tasteful and typical: Wreaths on doors and windows, strings of lights, a single stand-up plastic Santa Claus in the front yard.
Attorneys have offered their services to the Gunter family, who posted their holiday décor plight on social media. “It went crazy, we’ve been reached out (to) from people from Canada, Michigan, Ohio — it’s crazy!,” Gunter says. “They actually have a hashtag #LeaveLarryAlone.”
He adds: “Coming home to Christmas is something special for families, for everybody — it’s part of the reason we put this up.”
2020 GA INVASION: Extra-large worms that look like snakes are invading Georgia. They’re called hammerhead worms — because their heads split into two pointy nubs similar to the heads of hammerhead sharks. They grow up to a foot long.
“It looked like an alien. It really had a strange look to it. Something I’ve never seen before,” a Gwinnett County resident told WSB-TV.
Of course, killing hammerhead worms is problematic. Why? Because these fuckers regrow their heads. Let’s say you take a shovel and dice a hammerhead worm into three parts. Days later, each of the three pieces will regrow its own head. Presto, now three hammerhead worms are prowling in your garden.
Hammerhead worms likely arrived in Georgia more than 100 years ago — via an Asian potted plant, according to WSB-TV They haven’t been seen in Georgia for decades, but made a comeback this year. Because — 2020!
So, how do you kill these head-regenerating worms? Pour a hefty amount of vinegar or salt on them. Good luck with that.
2020 NOT ENTIRELY AWFUL: In Savannah, a young nursing-school graduate showed up to her job interview in the back of a police van — with one minute to spare before her job interview was scheduled to begin.
Her interviewers watched her arrival as she climbed out of the back of a police van. They promptly asked her to explain her method of transportation.
The nursing grad says she left early from her home in Statesboro for the interview in Savannah, giving herself an extra half hour to calm her job interview jitters.
Suddenly, she got a flat tire on I-16. She started freaking out: How was she going to get to her job interview on time? She called her parents and roadside assistance — could they give her a ride? No, not if she wanted to get there on time.
That’s when Savannah police officer Corey Wright pulled up. The nursing grad — panicked and in tears — explained her situation.
The officer told WJCL.com: “Having an interview is a very stressful enough day for you, then something goes wrong and it’s even more stressful. So I told her, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll give you a ride.’”
The nursing school grad said, “I feel like it was just a sweet act of kindness because I know I was crying when I was telling him, and I was very frantic about getting there. … This year has been a rough year, and it was nice to see an act of kindness and something good going on with everything crazy and hectic and scary that’s been going on.”
So how did the job interview go? Apparently, her interviewers were impressed with her determination. She got the job offer — and is now working there as a licensed practical nurse care coordinator.
2020 “SIGN OF THE TIMES” AWARD: In Gwinnett County, a sign outside a bakery/café reads: “We Do Not Wear a Mask; We Do Not Social Distance.” Female Employee #1 says, “I just want people to know that when they enter, that we’re not gonna be wearing them.”
Female Employee #2 tells CBS46.com that she loves the freedom of working without a mask, and that’s exactly why she recently started working at the bakery/cafe. “There’s things you can do to build your immune system that are a lot healthier than a mask … Vitamin C, Vitamin D.”
Get this: Customers are required to remove their masks before entering the bakery/cafe.
Female Employee #3 says, “I don’t want someone who has been touching their mask all day to touch my food.”
All three employees also refused to social distance inside the bakery/café.
Yes, Georgia Gov. Kemp’s executive order mandates that restaurant employees do the exact opposite of what these three nutballs are doing. We shall quote it: Restaurants and dining services must “require workers to wear face coverings while interacting with patrons and increase physical space between workers and patrons.”
And what do these three employees have to say about Gov. Kemp’s face-covering requirement for restaurant workers during this pandemic? Employee #2 says she’d rather risk her life than live her life in fear. “If the word of God is true, why are people, especially Christians, hiding in fear? The Lord promises to take care of us. We have to live in faith.”
2020 WORST BOOTY CALL: Late-night booty calls involving ex-partners = always risky. Case in point: A 25-year-old man invited his ex-girlfriend over to his apartment on Parkland Drive in the Lindbergh neighborhood. When she arrived, the ex-girlfriend was both intoxicated and belligerent. The man says his ex-girlfriend wanted to drink more tequila from a bottle he kept in his apartment. He told her no, because she was already too drunk.
So then, they have sex.
“Both were in bed when the ex-girlfriend suddenly said, ‘I love you,’” the cop noted in his police report.
And how did the 25-year-old man respond? Well, he did not say “I love you” back.
That’s when his naked ex-girlfriend started screaming and yelling. The man stepped out of his bedroom long enough to call some guy to come pick up his ex-girlfriend. But the guy caller wants to have a long phone conversation. Eventually, the 25-year-old man walks back to his bedroom: Now his naked, drunk ex-girlfriend is holding a black-and-silver handgun and she’s “waving it in the air.”
He asks her to put down the gun. Several times. At one point, the ex-girlfriend allegedly points the gun at him and says, “Watch. I’m going to do it.” So he calls 911. The naked ex-girlfriend decides to get dressed and leaves his apartment, still toting her gun, before police arrived. But the man filed a police report about the ex-girlfriend’s naked gun threats.
Dude, was one sexy romp worth all this?
2020 DICKHEAD AWARD: About 30 people decided to hold a Black Lives Matter protest, holding up signs and standing on a street corner.
“For the most part, we were greeted with signs of support — from honks to thumbs up!” reports one protest organizer. “Towards the end, an older (white) man drove by while yelling we were ignorant.” About two minutes later, the older white man showed up on foot at the protest — “and started using the N-word,” says the protest organizer. “Not afraid of a good fight, I let him know I wasn’t afraid of his ignorant rants. Then, he got ugly. This man got in my face and spit on me. Twice. He then yelled, ‘I have the COVID-19.’”
That wasn’t all. A fellow organizer followed the older white guy to his car, intending to snap a pic of his license plate. When the man saw him taking a photo, he shouted, “I’ll shoot you, N-lover. Why don’t you suck a N-dick?”
The older white man lives in Decatur. Yes, Decatur. The land of hemp clothes and yoga.
He wore a T-shirt that read: “Math Counts.” Along with plaid shorts and a white baseball cap.
The protest organizer posted photos of the man (and his license plate) on Facebook. “I have called the police,” he says. “This man belongs in jail.”
2020 ROLL FRENZY: In a flash during the spring of 2020, all of Atlanta’s population became obsessed with one thing: Wiping their ass. And consumed with fear over supplies running out for said ass-wiping. Toilet-paper thievery reports suddenly surged past reports of more conventionally appealing items for bandits, like flat-screen TVs. And it wasn’t just experienced robbers with TP on the brain: A seemingly sane and wholesome-looking elderly grandfather allegedly knocked innocent children to the ground for a single roll of Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush.
Grocery store parking lots across ATL abruptly transformed into bitch-slap combat zones, one pitting a suburban housewife against a bearded urban hipster with a man bun — with both sides madly wrestling over 18-packs of Charmin Ultra-Soft 2-Ply Mega Rolls.
And of course, it wasn’t just ATL. More than 3,000 miles away, the police department in Newport, Oregon, got fed up with fielding “emergency” calls over toilet-paper shortages. “It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” Newport police wrote on Facebook. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance. In fact, history offers you many other options in your time of need if you cannot find a roll: Mayans used corncobs … Farmers used pages from the Farmers Almanac.” The police post goes on to suggest “grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting in front of you … Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.”
Humanity still hasn’t recovered. —CL—
The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and local news reports — and puts them into her own words.