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Lauren Keating

CL Correspondent

Lauren is Creative Loafing's ace police reporter. She has been writing CL's Blotter for 20+ years.

Articles By This Writer

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  string(23) "THE BLOTTER: Wiped out!"
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  string(34) "And other tales of life in the ATL"
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  string(34) "And other tales of life in the ATL"
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  string(33) "Content:_:THE BLOTTER: Wiped out!"
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  string(7249) "In a flash, all of Atlanta’s population became obsessed with one thing: Wiping their asses. And consumed with fear over supplies running out for said ass-wiping. Toilet-paper thievery reports suddenly surpassed reports of more conventionally appealing items for bandits, like flat-screen TVs. And it wasn’t just experienced robbers with TP on the brain: A seemingly sane and wholesome-looking elderly grandfather knocked innocent children to the ground for a single roll of Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush. 

Grocery store parking lots across ATL abruptly transformed into bitch-slap combat zones, one pitting a suburban housewife versus a bearded urban hipster with a man-bun — with both sides madly wrestling over 18-packs of Charmin Ultra-Soft 2-Ply Mega Rolls. 

Of course, it’s not just in the ATL. More than 3,000 miles away, the police department in Newport, Oregon got fed up with fielding “emergency” calls over toilet-paper shortages. “It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” Newport police wrote on Facebook. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance. In fact, history offers you many other options in your time of need if you cannot find a roll: Mayans used corncobs … Farmers used pages from the Farmers Almanac.” The police post goes on to suggest “grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting in front of you … Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.” 

Humanity still hasn’t recovered. 

ALL THAT GLITTERS: One evening, a 35-year-old woman was walking in downtown Atlanta, past the horse-driven carriages lined up for tourist rides on Luckie Street. Suddenly, “a horse bit her right arm.” 

A cop noted: “The woman described the horse as a 17-hand draft Paint color horse with black and white spots and gold glitter polish(ed) hooves.”

The horse’s handler — a man with a short haircut — asked the bitten woman if she wanted a free carriage ride, to make up for the horse bite. No thanks, said the woman, refusing the bonus ride. 

Also, she refused to go to the emergency room, insisting the horse bite wasn’t that bad. The reporting officer noted clearly visible bruises and abrasions on the woman’s right arm. 

REVENGE WITH CONDIMENTS: A 20-year-old man walked into the Grant Park Police Department to report a dispute with his girlfriend. He said he posted something on social media that his girlfriend did not agree with, and she began to accuse him of cheating. “Since then, she has texted him multiple times, threatening to send nude pictures of him to his mother and calling his job,” the reporting cop noted. “He believes she also trashed his vehicle by tossing mustard all over it.” 

The boyfriend had proof, showing texts and video to cops.  He said he would try to get a restraining order. 

MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS: Around midnight in Grant Park, a cop peered out a Zone 3 precinct window — and spotted a blue Nissan Altima idling at the intersection of Cherokee and Atlanta avenues. Other cars piled up “behind the Nissan, honking their horns to get the vehicle to move,” the observant cop noted.

The cop walked outside to check it out.  “I approached the vehicle and saw a man slumped over the driver seat. I then started knocking on the windows, but got no response from the driver. I then went to the driver’s side of the vehicle and opened the door and started shaking (the driver) … after about 20 seconds of shaking him, he finally responded.” 

The cop asked: Did you have any alcoholic drinks tonight? 

The driver: Yes, I did. 

“He then stepped out (of the car) and could barely keep his balance. Medics arrived, examined him, and said he wasn’t injured, just drunk. 

Just to review: Not only did this gentleman pass out in his car around midnight, directly in front of the Grant Park police station. He also did so a) in his girlfriend’s car and b) while driving on a suspended license. Talk about making cops’ jobs super-easy. 

The man was arrested and charged with a DUI Less Safe; impeding the flow of traffic; and driving with a suspended license. His girlfriend was allowed to come pick up her Nissan Altima before her boyfriend went to jail. 

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE MAN! In the Old Fourth Ward around 7:30 a.m., a 31-year-old woman called police to her apartment on Linden Avenue. “(She) said she woke up to get ready for the day before her boyfriend (and father of her child),” a cop noted: The girlfriend said her boyfriend woke up and was upset that he overslept and was now late for work — and blamed her for not waking him up … so he flipped over her mattress and dresser, upside down,” the cop noted. “The boyfriend then grabbed the blinds in their bedroom, ripping and removing several sections of blinds from the window.” The girlfriend started to call 911 — and her boyfriend punched a hole in the hallway wall and left the apartment. She wasn’t sure where he went. 

Cops noted that the girlfriend wasn’t concerned or afraid about her personal safety … but she wanted a police report because her angry lover had damaged items belonging to the apartment management company, like the wall and blinds. “(The girlfriend) said her boyfriend has anger issues but has never put his hands on her,” the cop noted.

CHIP ON THE SHOULDER? In the Joyland neighborhood, an argument between a customer and a store manager broke out at a convenience store on Pryor Road. A 29-year-old woman said she bought some Lays Potato Chips for her and her children. The woman said she and her kids were eating the bag of chips when she realized the bottom of the bag contained more than chips. “When she opened it, dead ants were in the bottom of the chip bag.” 

The woman wanted a refund for her insect-infested potato chips. And she wanted a full refund for everything she bought at the store : $12. The store manager refused to give her any refund. 

A cop showed up and heard both sides. “I informed (the woman) that she’d have to take up a claim with Lays Company,” the reporting officer noted.

BITTER FRUIT: On Auburn Avenue, a grocery store owner said a local drug dealer named “Fruit” was harassing a male customer in his 60s who was withdrawing money from the ATM located inside the store. The customer complained to the grocery-store owner – and suddenly Fruit intruded and got upset because he falsely believed the owner allowed the customer to take his place in the ATM line. According to the owner, “Fruit” was beyond frustrated with the situation – so the owner asked him leave the store. “Fruit” refused to go – so the owner picked up the phone to call police. That’s when Fruit the Drug Dealer threatened to kill the owner if he actually did call the police (which he promptly called).  By the time cops arrived, Fruit was long gone.

Fruit the Drug dealer is described as a skinny man wearing a red hat and a black jacket. Nothing further.

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words."
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(7544) "In a flash, all of Atlanta’s population became obsessed with one thing: Wiping their asses. And consumed with fear over supplies running out for said ass-wiping. Toilet-paper thievery reports suddenly surpassed reports of more conventionally appealing items for bandits, like flat-screen TVs. And it wasn’t just experienced robbers with TP on the brain: A seemingly sane and wholesome-looking elderly grandfather knocked innocent children to the ground for a single roll of Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush. 

Grocery store parking lots across ATL abruptly transformed into bitch-slap combat zones, one pitting a suburban housewife versus a bearded urban hipster with a man-bun — with both sides madly wrestling over 18-packs of Charmin Ultra-Soft 2-Ply Mega Rolls. 

Of course, it’s not just in the ATL. More than 3,000 miles away, the [https://www.kgw.com/article/news/local/the-story/newport-police-ask-residents-not-to-call-911-over-toilet-paper-shortages/283-159f5b17-f923-41cf-b5f0-52fb187baf96|police department in Newport, Oregon] got fed up with fielding “emergency” calls over toilet-paper shortages. “It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” Newport police wrote on [https://www.facebook.com/NewportPolice/photos/a.10150611383469944/10151320061939944/?type=3&theater|Facebook]. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance. In fact, history offers you many other options in your time of need if you cannot find a roll: Mayans used corncobs … Farmers used pages from the Farmers Almanac.” The police post goes on to suggest “grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting in front of you … Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.” 

Humanity still hasn’t recovered. 

__ALL THAT GLITTERS:__ One evening, a 35-year-old woman was walking in downtown Atlanta, past the horse-driven carriages lined up for tourist rides on Luckie Street. Suddenly, “a horse bit her right arm.” 

A cop noted: “The woman described the horse as a 17-hand draft Paint color horse with black and white spots and gold glitter polish(ed) hooves.”

The horse’s handler — a man with a short haircut — asked the bitten woman if she wanted a free carriage ride, to make up for the horse bite. No thanks, said the woman, refusing the bonus ride. 

Also, she refused to go to the emergency room, insisting the horse bite wasn’t that bad. The reporting officer noted clearly visible bruises and abrasions on the woman’s right arm. 

__REVENGE WITH CONDIMENTS:__ A 20-year-old man walked into the Grant Park Police Department to report a dispute with his girlfriend. He said he posted something on social media that his girlfriend did not agree with, and she began to accuse him of cheating. “Since then, she has texted him multiple times, threatening to send nude pictures of him to his mother and calling his job,” the reporting cop noted. “He believes she also trashed his vehicle by tossing mustard all over it.” 

The boyfriend had proof, showing texts and video to cops.  He said he would try to get a restraining order. 

__MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS:__ Around midnight in Grant Park, a cop peered out a Zone 3 precinct window — and spotted a blue Nissan Altima idling at the intersection of Cherokee and Atlanta avenues. Other cars piled up “behind the Nissan, honking their horns to get the vehicle to move,” the observant cop noted.

The cop walked outside to check it out.  “I approached the vehicle and saw a man slumped over the driver seat. I then started knocking on the windows, but got no response from the driver. I then went to the driver’s side of the vehicle and opened the door and started shaking (the driver) … after about 20 seconds of shaking him, he finally responded.” 

The cop asked: Did you have any alcoholic drinks tonight? 

The driver: Yes, I did. 

“He then stepped out (of the car) and could barely keep his balance. Medics arrived, examined him, and said he wasn’t injured, just drunk. 

Just to review: Not only did this gentleman pass out in his car around midnight, directly in front of the Grant Park police station. He also did so a) in his girlfriend’s car and b) while driving on a suspended license. Talk about making cops’ jobs super-easy. 

The man was arrested and charged with a DUI Less Safe; impeding the flow of traffic; and driving with a suspended license. His girlfriend was allowed to come pick up her Nissan Altima before her boyfriend went to jail. 

__GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE MAN!__ In the Old Fourth Ward around 7:30 a.m., a 31-year-old woman called police to her apartment on Linden Avenue. “(She) said she woke up to get ready for the day before her boyfriend (and father of her child),” a cop noted: The girlfriend said her boyfriend woke up and was upset that he overslept and was now late for work — and blamed her for not waking him up … so he flipped over her mattress and dresser, upside down,” the cop noted. “The boyfriend then grabbed the blinds in their bedroom, ripping and removing several sections of blinds from the window.” The girlfriend started to call 911 — and her boyfriend punched a hole in the hallway wall and left the apartment. She wasn’t sure where he went. 

Cops noted that the girlfriend wasn’t concerned or afraid about her personal safety … but she wanted a police report because her angry lover had damaged items belonging to the apartment management company, like the wall and blinds. “(The girlfriend) said her boyfriend has anger issues but has never put his hands on her,” the cop noted.

__CHIP ON THE SHOULDER?__ In the Joyland neighborhood, an argument between a customer and a store manager broke out at a convenience store on Pryor Road. A 29-year-old woman said she bought some Lays Potato Chips for her and her children. The woman said she and her kids were eating the bag of chips when she realized the bottom of the bag contained more than chips. “When she opened it, dead ants were in the bottom of the chip bag.” 

The woman wanted a refund for her insect-infested potato chips. And she wanted a full refund for everything she bought at the store : $12. The store manager refused to give her any refund. 

A cop showed up and heard both sides. “I informed (the woman) that she’d have to take up a claim with Lays Company,” the reporting officer noted.

__BITTER FRUIT:__ On Auburn Avenue, a grocery store owner said a local drug dealer named “Fruit” was harassing a male customer in his 60s who was withdrawing money from the ATM located inside the store. The customer complained to the grocery-store owner – and suddenly Fruit intruded and got upset because he falsely believed the owner allowed the customer to take his place in the ATM line. According to the owner, “Fruit” was beyond frustrated with the situation – so the owner asked him leave the store. “Fruit” refused to go – so the owner picked up the phone to call police. That’s when Fruit the Drug Dealer threatened to kill the owner if he actually did call the police (which he promptly called).  By the time cops arrived, Fruit was long gone.

Fruit the Drug dealer is described as a skinny man wearing a red hat and a black jacket. Nothing further.

''The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(7682) " 0420 Blot TP Final Web  2020-04-10T20:11:05+00:00 0420_blot-TP-final_web.jpg    blotter And other tales of life in the ATL 30525  2020-04-10T20:05:35+00:00 THE BLOTTER: Wiped out! jim.harris@creativeloafing.com Jim Harris Lauren Keating Lauren Keating 2020-04-10T20:05:35+00:00  In a flash, all of Atlanta’s population became obsessed with one thing: Wiping their asses. And consumed with fear over supplies running out for said ass-wiping. Toilet-paper thievery reports suddenly surpassed reports of more conventionally appealing items for bandits, like flat-screen TVs. And it wasn’t just experienced robbers with TP on the brain: A seemingly sane and wholesome-looking elderly grandfather knocked innocent children to the ground for a single roll of Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush. 

Grocery store parking lots across ATL abruptly transformed into bitch-slap combat zones, one pitting a suburban housewife versus a bearded urban hipster with a man-bun — with both sides madly wrestling over 18-packs of Charmin Ultra-Soft 2-Ply Mega Rolls. 

Of course, it’s not just in the ATL. More than 3,000 miles away, the police department in Newport, Oregon got fed up with fielding “emergency” calls over toilet-paper shortages. “It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” Newport police wrote on Facebook. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance. In fact, history offers you many other options in your time of need if you cannot find a roll: Mayans used corncobs … Farmers used pages from the Farmers Almanac.” The police post goes on to suggest “grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting in front of you … Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.” 

Humanity still hasn’t recovered. 

ALL THAT GLITTERS: One evening, a 35-year-old woman was walking in downtown Atlanta, past the horse-driven carriages lined up for tourist rides on Luckie Street. Suddenly, “a horse bit her right arm.” 

A cop noted: “The woman described the horse as a 17-hand draft Paint color horse with black and white spots and gold glitter polish(ed) hooves.”

The horse’s handler — a man with a short haircut — asked the bitten woman if she wanted a free carriage ride, to make up for the horse bite. No thanks, said the woman, refusing the bonus ride. 

Also, she refused to go to the emergency room, insisting the horse bite wasn’t that bad. The reporting officer noted clearly visible bruises and abrasions on the woman’s right arm. 

REVENGE WITH CONDIMENTS: A 20-year-old man walked into the Grant Park Police Department to report a dispute with his girlfriend. He said he posted something on social media that his girlfriend did not agree with, and she began to accuse him of cheating. “Since then, she has texted him multiple times, threatening to send nude pictures of him to his mother and calling his job,” the reporting cop noted. “He believes she also trashed his vehicle by tossing mustard all over it.” 

The boyfriend had proof, showing texts and video to cops.  He said he would try to get a restraining order. 

MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS: Around midnight in Grant Park, a cop peered out a Zone 3 precinct window — and spotted a blue Nissan Altima idling at the intersection of Cherokee and Atlanta avenues. Other cars piled up “behind the Nissan, honking their horns to get the vehicle to move,” the observant cop noted.

The cop walked outside to check it out.  “I approached the vehicle and saw a man slumped over the driver seat. I then started knocking on the windows, but got no response from the driver. I then went to the driver’s side of the vehicle and opened the door and started shaking (the driver) … after about 20 seconds of shaking him, he finally responded.” 

The cop asked: Did you have any alcoholic drinks tonight? 

The driver: Yes, I did. 

“He then stepped out (of the car) and could barely keep his balance. Medics arrived, examined him, and said he wasn’t injured, just drunk. 

Just to review: Not only did this gentleman pass out in his car around midnight, directly in front of the Grant Park police station. He also did so a) in his girlfriend’s car and b) while driving on a suspended license. Talk about making cops’ jobs super-easy. 

The man was arrested and charged with a DUI Less Safe; impeding the flow of traffic; and driving with a suspended license. His girlfriend was allowed to come pick up her Nissan Altima before her boyfriend went to jail. 

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE MAN! In the Old Fourth Ward around 7:30 a.m., a 31-year-old woman called police to her apartment on Linden Avenue. “(She) said she woke up to get ready for the day before her boyfriend (and father of her child),” a cop noted: The girlfriend said her boyfriend woke up and was upset that he overslept and was now late for work — and blamed her for not waking him up … so he flipped over her mattress and dresser, upside down,” the cop noted. “The boyfriend then grabbed the blinds in their bedroom, ripping and removing several sections of blinds from the window.” The girlfriend started to call 911 — and her boyfriend punched a hole in the hallway wall and left the apartment. She wasn’t sure where he went. 

Cops noted that the girlfriend wasn’t concerned or afraid about her personal safety … but she wanted a police report because her angry lover had damaged items belonging to the apartment management company, like the wall and blinds. “(The girlfriend) said her boyfriend has anger issues but has never put his hands on her,” the cop noted.

CHIP ON THE SHOULDER? In the Joyland neighborhood, an argument between a customer and a store manager broke out at a convenience store on Pryor Road. A 29-year-old woman said she bought some Lays Potato Chips for her and her children. The woman said she and her kids were eating the bag of chips when she realized the bottom of the bag contained more than chips. “When she opened it, dead ants were in the bottom of the chip bag.” 

The woman wanted a refund for her insect-infested potato chips. And she wanted a full refund for everything she bought at the store : $12. The store manager refused to give her any refund. 

A cop showed up and heard both sides. “I informed (the woman) that she’d have to take up a claim with Lays Company,” the reporting officer noted.

BITTER FRUIT: On Auburn Avenue, a grocery store owner said a local drug dealer named “Fruit” was harassing a male customer in his 60s who was withdrawing money from the ATM located inside the store. The customer complained to the grocery-store owner – and suddenly Fruit intruded and got upset because he falsely believed the owner allowed the customer to take his place in the ATM line. According to the owner, “Fruit” was beyond frustrated with the situation – so the owner asked him leave the store. “Fruit” refused to go – so the owner picked up the phone to call police. That’s when Fruit the Drug Dealer threatened to kill the owner if he actually did call the police (which he promptly called).  By the time cops arrived, Fruit was long gone.

Fruit the Drug dealer is described as a skinny man wearing a red hat and a black jacket. Nothing further.

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.    Illustration by Tray Butler   -84.4236492,33.7008587,15  The Blotter: All That Glitters  blotter                             THE BLOTTER: Wiped out! "
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Friday April 10, 2020 04:05 pm EDT
And other tales of life in the ATL | more...
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  string(6083) "A mother-daughter spat turned ugly on Magnolia Street in northwest Atlanta. The 34-year-old daughter said her mother hit her over the head with a plant. The daughter showed no signs of serious injury and declined medical attention. The mother responded, telling police: “My daughter is a drug addict, and fuck that bitch, she is a hoe (sic).”

However the 52-year-old mother had a swollen eye and a big knot on her forehead. Also, the mother smelled of booze and admitted to having had “two shots earlier.” Also, “she was slurring her words and needed help walking because she was wobbling,” the cop noted.

Neighbors said they saw the mom hit her daughter with a plant … and also saw the mother trip and fall on her face, hitting the same location as her existing injuries. The mother kept cussing during her police interview and refused to stop screaming at her daughter. So police took the wobbly mother to jail for disorderly conduct while drunk.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET: At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 37-year-old man from Athens, Georgia, walked up to a Delta ticketing counter, whipped out his penis, and started pissing on the floor near the employees.

“When I arrived, I observed the urine on the floor,” the reporting cop noted. Also noted: The 37-year-old man was drunk out of his mind. Apparently, he had been denied boarding on an earlier flight because he was so frigging drunk. So he hung out at the airport for another two hours, then unloaded his pee spray on the Delta employees.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET, PART II: A 38-year-old woman said she was just waking up inside her apartment on Camellia Lane in the Lindbergh neighborhood, when she heard “rapid knocking.” She opened her door slightly to see if someone was there. “She stated (that) a woman with red hair and a black jacket barged into her apartment,” the reporting police officer noted. “The red-haired woman said that this was her apartment and would not leave.”

The first woman said that at first, she thought the red-haired woman was in the wrong apartment unit — but the red-haired woman insisted that it was hers.

“She said the red-haired woman grabbed her and wrestled her out of the apartment. When she tried to get back in, (the red-haired woman) grabbed her by the hair and began throwing her against the apartment wall and punching her,” the cop wrote. She stated that the red-haired woman then peed outside her front door.

When police finally arrived, they spotted the red-haired woman trying to leave through the back door. Cops searched the red-haired woman and found suspected crack and cocaine, plus a scale and $1,192 cash. They identified her as a 31-year-old woman from Gwinnett County (Dacula). The red-haired woman was arrested for trespassing, battery, and drug possession. The first woman swore she’d never met the red-haired woman before in her life. Nothing further.

HOW TO LOSE $$ AND SELF-RESPECT: In the Westview neighborhood, officers responded to a marital dispute on Alvarado Terrace. The 40-year-old husband said he was arguing with his wife because he suspects her of cheating. His next move? Give her money.

“(The husband) then advised that he gave her $600 in cash, but now wanted it back,” the reporting officer wrote. “(The husband) mentioned that he wants a police report documented just in case he would like to pursue (charges) to acquire his money back from his wife.”

As for the possibly cheating wife — she was already gone by the time police arrived on the scene. Cops gave the despondent 40-year-old husband a courtesy ride to his aunt’s house on Collier Drive.

VEGAN THIEF WITH DESIGNER TASTE? In the Collier Heights neighborhood, a 26-year-old woman said she returned to her apartment on Peek Road and discovered someone had thrown a package of raw meat onto her bedroom floor. Also, $13,350 worth of her belongings were missing, including: a snakeskin Gucci wallet ($750); black Gucci boots with red laces ($1,200); black and brown Louis Vuitton boots ($1,200); purple-and-black Balenciaga shoes ($900); a brown Louis Vuitton duffle bag with a pink strap ($4,500); and a red Gucci purse ($900).

The woman’s neighbors hadn’t heard a thing.

“I asked (the 26-year-old woman) if she had any enemies or someone whom she suspects could do something like this, and she said no,” the reporting cop noted.

STUPID CRIME OF THE WEEK: Around 11:30 p.m., a 34-year-old man was dining at Fellini’s Pizza on Ponce de Leon Avenue. Suddenly, a Fellini’s manager walked up and informed the 34-year-old man that someone had just broken a window on his black Jeep Grand Cherokee in the restaurant’s parking lot.

The 34-year-old man went outside and saw his front driver’s-side window had been smashed.

Did the perps steal anything from his car? Nope. “The vehicle was not entered,” an officer wrote.

And how did the window-smashers get to Fellini’s? Oh, in a new black Jaguar.

Cops reviewed Fellini’s surveillance footage and saw what appeared to be a brand-new black Jaguar roll into the parking lot. The Jaguar driver parked right next to the 34-year-old’s jeep. Two men with flashlights hopped out and began looking into nearby cars. Then, Fellini’s manager and another employee ran outside and started screaming at the two men, who hopped back into their Jaguar and left.

BITCH OF THE MONTH: A 26-year-old boyfriend and girlfriend got into a bad argument at his home on Calloway Drive. According to the boyfriend, the girlfriend smashed his TV on the ground; poured bleach on about $1,000 worth of his clothes; and broke the rear windshield of his silver Toyota Camry. All her shenanigans took place in front of the boyfriend’s 73-year-old grandfather. The girlfriend was long gone by the time cops arrived. Ironically, the boyfriend told police, his girlfriend lives on Valentine Street (which may or may not exist). —CL—

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words."
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However the 52-year-old mother had a swollen eye and a big knot on her forehead. Also, the mother smelled of booze and admitted to having had “two shots earlier.” Also, “she was slurring her words and needed help walking because she was wobbling,” the cop noted.

Neighbors said they saw the mom hit her daughter with a plant … and also saw the mother trip and fall on her face, hitting the same location as her existing injuries. The mother kept cussing during her police interview and refused to stop screaming at her daughter. So police took the wobbly mother to jail for disorderly conduct while drunk.

__SLIPPERY WHEN WET:__ At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 37-year-old man from Athens, Georgia, walked up to a Delta ticketing counter, whipped out his penis, and started pissing on the floor near the employees.

“When I arrived, I observed the urine on the floor,” the reporting cop noted. Also noted: The 37-year-old man was drunk out of his mind. Apparently, he had been denied boarding on an earlier flight because he was so frigging drunk. So he hung out at the airport for another two hours, then unloaded his pee spray on the Delta employees.

__SLIPPERY WHEN WET, PART II:__ A 38-year-old woman said she was just waking up inside her apartment on Camellia Lane in the Lindbergh neighborhood, when she heard “rapid knocking.” She opened her door slightly to see if someone was there. “She stated (that) a woman with red hair and a black jacket barged into her apartment,” the reporting police officer noted. “The red-haired woman said that this was her apartment and would not leave.”

The first woman said that at first, she thought the red-haired woman was in the wrong apartment unit — but the red-haired woman insisted that it was hers.

“She said the red-haired woman grabbed her and wrestled her out of the apartment. When she tried to get back in, (the red-haired woman) grabbed her by the hair and began throwing her against the apartment wall and punching her,” the cop wrote. She stated that the red-haired woman then peed outside her front door.

When police finally arrived, they spotted the red-haired woman trying to leave through the back door. Cops searched the red-haired woman and found suspected crack and cocaine, plus a scale and $1,192 cash. They identified her as a 31-year-old woman from Gwinnett County (Dacula). The red-haired woman was arrested for trespassing, battery, and drug possession. The first woman swore she’d never met the red-haired woman before in her life. Nothing further.

__HOW TO LOSE $$ AND SELF-RESPECT:__ In the Westview neighborhood, officers responded to a marital dispute on Alvarado Terrace. The 40-year-old husband said he was arguing with his wife because he suspects her of cheating. His next move? Give her money.

“(The husband) then advised that he gave her $600 in cash, but now wanted it back,” the reporting officer wrote. “(The husband) mentioned that he wants a police report documented just in case he would like to pursue (charges) to acquire his money back from his wife.”

As for the possibly cheating wife — she was already gone by the time police arrived on the scene. Cops gave the despondent 40-year-old husband a courtesy ride to his aunt’s house on Collier Drive.

__VEGAN THIEF WITH DESIGNER TASTE?__ In the Collier Heights neighborhood, a 26-year-old woman said she returned to her apartment on Peek Road and discovered someone had thrown a package of raw meat onto her bedroom floor. Also, $13,350 worth of her belongings were missing, including: a snakeskin Gucci wallet ($750); black Gucci boots with red laces ($1,200); black and brown Louis Vuitton boots ($1,200); purple-and-black Balenciaga shoes ($900); a brown Louis Vuitton duffle bag with a pink strap ($4,500); and a red Gucci purse ($900).

The woman’s neighbors hadn’t heard a thing.

“I asked (the 26-year-old woman) if she had any enemies or someone whom she suspects could do something like this, and she said no,” the reporting cop noted.

__STUPID CRIME OF THE WEEK:__ Around 11:30 p.m., a 34-year-old man was dining at Fellini’s Pizza on Ponce de Leon Avenue. Suddenly, a Fellini’s manager walked up and informed the 34-year-old man that someone had just broken a window on his black Jeep Grand Cherokee in the restaurant’s parking lot.

The 34-year-old man went outside and saw his front driver’s-side window had been smashed.

Did the perps steal anything from his car? Nope. “The vehicle was not entered,” an officer wrote.

And how did the window-smashers get to Fellini’s? Oh, in a new black Jaguar.

Cops reviewed Fellini’s surveillance footage and saw what appeared to be a brand-new black Jaguar roll into the parking lot. The Jaguar driver parked right next to the 34-year-old’s jeep. Two men with flashlights hopped out and began looking into nearby cars. Then, Fellini’s manager and another employee ran outside and started screaming at the two men, who hopped back into their Jaguar and left.

__BITCH OF THE MONTH:__ A 26-year-old boyfriend and girlfriend got into a bad argument at his home on Calloway Drive. According to the boyfriend, the girlfriend smashed his TV on the ground; poured bleach on about $1,000 worth of his clothes; and broke the rear windshield of his silver Toyota Camry. All her shenanigans took place in front of the boyfriend’s 73-year-old grandfather. The girlfriend was long gone by the time cops arrived. Ironically, the boyfriend told police, his girlfriend lives on Valentine Street (which may or may not exist). __—CL—__

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  string(6510) " 0320blot Plant Fight Final Web  2020-03-02T18:19:47+00:00 0320blot-plant-fight-final_web.jpg    blotter And other tales of life in the ATL 29578  2020-03-02T18:18:00+00:00 THE BLOTTER: Mommie Dearest jim.harris@creativeloafing.com Jim Harris Lauren Keating Lauren Keating 2020-03-02T18:18:00+00:00  A mother-daughter spat turned ugly on Magnolia Street in northwest Atlanta. The 34-year-old daughter said her mother hit her over the head with a plant. The daughter showed no signs of serious injury and declined medical attention. The mother responded, telling police: “My daughter is a drug addict, and fuck that bitch, she is a hoe (sic).”

However the 52-year-old mother had a swollen eye and a big knot on her forehead. Also, the mother smelled of booze and admitted to having had “two shots earlier.” Also, “she was slurring her words and needed help walking because she was wobbling,” the cop noted.

Neighbors said they saw the mom hit her daughter with a plant … and also saw the mother trip and fall on her face, hitting the same location as her existing injuries. The mother kept cussing during her police interview and refused to stop screaming at her daughter. So police took the wobbly mother to jail for disorderly conduct while drunk.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET: At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 37-year-old man from Athens, Georgia, walked up to a Delta ticketing counter, whipped out his penis, and started pissing on the floor near the employees.

“When I arrived, I observed the urine on the floor,” the reporting cop noted. Also noted: The 37-year-old man was drunk out of his mind. Apparently, he had been denied boarding on an earlier flight because he was so frigging drunk. So he hung out at the airport for another two hours, then unloaded his pee spray on the Delta employees.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET, PART II: A 38-year-old woman said she was just waking up inside her apartment on Camellia Lane in the Lindbergh neighborhood, when she heard “rapid knocking.” She opened her door slightly to see if someone was there. “She stated (that) a woman with red hair and a black jacket barged into her apartment,” the reporting police officer noted. “The red-haired woman said that this was her apartment and would not leave.”

The first woman said that at first, she thought the red-haired woman was in the wrong apartment unit — but the red-haired woman insisted that it was hers.

“She said the red-haired woman grabbed her and wrestled her out of the apartment. When she tried to get back in, (the red-haired woman) grabbed her by the hair and began throwing her against the apartment wall and punching her,” the cop wrote. She stated that the red-haired woman then peed outside her front door.

When police finally arrived, they spotted the red-haired woman trying to leave through the back door. Cops searched the red-haired woman and found suspected crack and cocaine, plus a scale and $1,192 cash. They identified her as a 31-year-old woman from Gwinnett County (Dacula). The red-haired woman was arrested for trespassing, battery, and drug possession. The first woman swore she’d never met the red-haired woman before in her life. Nothing further.

HOW TO LOSE $$ AND SELF-RESPECT: In the Westview neighborhood, officers responded to a marital dispute on Alvarado Terrace. The 40-year-old husband said he was arguing with his wife because he suspects her of cheating. His next move? Give her money.

“(The husband) then advised that he gave her $600 in cash, but now wanted it back,” the reporting officer wrote. “(The husband) mentioned that he wants a police report documented just in case he would like to pursue (charges) to acquire his money back from his wife.”

As for the possibly cheating wife — she was already gone by the time police arrived on the scene. Cops gave the despondent 40-year-old husband a courtesy ride to his aunt’s house on Collier Drive.

VEGAN THIEF WITH DESIGNER TASTE? In the Collier Heights neighborhood, a 26-year-old woman said she returned to her apartment on Peek Road and discovered someone had thrown a package of raw meat onto her bedroom floor. Also, $13,350 worth of her belongings were missing, including: a snakeskin Gucci wallet ($750); black Gucci boots with red laces ($1,200); black and brown Louis Vuitton boots ($1,200); purple-and-black Balenciaga shoes ($900); a brown Louis Vuitton duffle bag with a pink strap ($4,500); and a red Gucci purse ($900).

The woman’s neighbors hadn’t heard a thing.

“I asked (the 26-year-old woman) if she had any enemies or someone whom she suspects could do something like this, and she said no,” the reporting cop noted.

STUPID CRIME OF THE WEEK: Around 11:30 p.m., a 34-year-old man was dining at Fellini’s Pizza on Ponce de Leon Avenue. Suddenly, a Fellini’s manager walked up and informed the 34-year-old man that someone had just broken a window on his black Jeep Grand Cherokee in the restaurant’s parking lot.

The 34-year-old man went outside and saw his front driver’s-side window had been smashed.

Did the perps steal anything from his car? Nope. “The vehicle was not entered,” an officer wrote.

And how did the window-smashers get to Fellini’s? Oh, in a new black Jaguar.

Cops reviewed Fellini’s surveillance footage and saw what appeared to be a brand-new black Jaguar roll into the parking lot. The Jaguar driver parked right next to the 34-year-old’s jeep. Two men with flashlights hopped out and began looking into nearby cars. Then, Fellini’s manager and another employee ran outside and started screaming at the two men, who hopped back into their Jaguar and left.

BITCH OF THE MONTH: A 26-year-old boyfriend and girlfriend got into a bad argument at his home on Calloway Drive. According to the boyfriend, the girlfriend smashed his TV on the ground; poured bleach on about $1,000 worth of his clothes; and broke the rear windshield of his silver Toyota Camry. All her shenanigans took place in front of the boyfriend’s 73-year-old grandfather. The girlfriend was long gone by the time cops arrived. Ironically, the boyfriend told police, his girlfriend lives on Valentine Street (which may or may not exist). —CL—

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.    Illustration by Tray Butler   0,0,10   cl-issue-march-2020 blotter                             THE BLOTTER: Mommie Dearest "
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Monday March 2, 2020 01:18 pm EST
And other tales of life in the ATL | more...
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  string(26) "THE BLOTTER: Tampon tirade"
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  string(6801) "IN COLD BLOOD:  A woman pulling a wagon tried to walk into the Auburn Avenue Research Library. A security guard stopped her, insisting she couldn’t bring her wagon inside. She was free to come into the library — as long as it was sans wagon. So the woman parked her wagon outside — and attempted to walk into library. Nope. Denied. The security guard said, “You can’t just leave your wagon in front of a public building!”

“The female then asks the staff of the library if they could watch her wagon,” an officer noted. Nope. Denied again. The security guard says no one is allowed to watch library patrons’ belongings.

The Wagongate debate clearly agitated the woman. “The woman then squatted down in front of the library and began urinating,” a police officer noted. “The female then reached into her private area, pulled out a tampon, and threw it inside the library.”

The flying tampon hit a patron reading inside the quiet library. The patron, a 52-year-old woman, told police that the flying tampon landed on her right foot. Outraged, she wants to press “full charges” against the tampon-flinging woman with the wagon.

The entire tampon-hurling incident was caught on the library’s surveillance cameras. The reporting officer reviewed the surveillance footage and noted, “I did in fact see where the white female urinated in front of the property and threw her tampon inside the location.”

The woman with her wagon went to jail.

GET SHAFTED:  At Lenox Square Mall, a police officer got a call about a possibly drunk, shirtless man yelling and cursing at customers while showing them his Johnson. The bare-chested man, age 30, was wearing a sassy pink hat, a suit jacket, and black pants. A witness saw the man “pull down his pants multiple times, at one point exposing the shaft of his penis.”

The cop found the pink-hat man inside Sephora makeup store, where he was cleaning his face. “He first informed me that his pants were down, then later stated his belt was loose so he was fixing his pants — and lastly he claimed that he was working out, and that’s why his pants were down,” the officer noted. “There is no gym or workout station at the location.”

Apparently, pink-hat man likes to show off his junk on a regular basis at Lenox. “(He’s) been accused of exposing himself, trespassing, and being disorderly” on previous occasions, the officer noted.

The man, age 30, went to jail. Police searched him and found a black cellphone, headphones, and a toy car.

FAKEOUT FAIL: The City of Atlanta’s human resources manager got an email “requesting a change to payroll for Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms,” an officer wrote.  “Although the name attached to the address states it is from Keisha Lance Bottoms, the address did not come from a City of Atlanta government email address.” Instead, the email appeared to originate from Tampa Bay, Florida.

“The email requests (the human resources manager) to assist with changing the status of payment to a new bank account, which would be provided if he confirmed he could assist.”

“After review of the email, it was confirmed that this was not an email sent by Mayor Bottoms — and she is not aware of the email address,” the officer noted. “Atlanta Information Management was notified about the phishing email, which can help prevent cyber-crime attempts like this one from happening in the future.”

STRANGE TRIP: Police got a call about a possible robbery from a hotel on Northside Drive near the Georgia World Congress Center. An injured man said he was walking through the hotel parking lot when he suddenly fell. What triggered his fall?

The reporting officer noted: “The man stated he fell because he tripped over religion. He then continued to add events to his story.”

The man said after he fell, he sat in a mystery person’s car for a while. Also, the man said he was sprinting before he fell, because someone with a gun was chasing him.

However, neither the mystery person … nor the mystery car … was visible.

What was very real: the blood streaming from the man’s head. Police took him to Grady Hospital, where staffers determined the man was “experiencing hallucinations.” The man, age 27, lives in Decatur.

TEXAS WALKER STRANGER: At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a dispute broke out at the Chop House restaurant, and staffers flagged down police. “The employees said a Texas man was talking on his phone very loudly, begging someone to take him back,” a police officer noted. “Then, he began calling patrons ‘bitches’ and ‘motherfuckers.’ When (the manager) asked him to leave, he began calling her ‘bitch’ and ‘motherfucker.’”

The man looked at the female police sergeant and said, “You motherfucker, either you arrest me or leave me the fuck alone.” Then, the Texas man apologized, saying he needed a wheelchair — and he left the Chop House restaurant. Airport staffers brought him a wheelchair, he sat down, and staffers started wheeling him to the airport’s west curb. Suddenly, the Texas man started yelling and cursing again. He screamed, “Fuck Atlanta, TI the rapper, and the President’s wife.”

When the female police sergeant walked up again, the Texas man sprang out of his wheelchair and said, “Either you arrest me or leave me the fuck alone,” while “walking toward the police sergeant in an aggressive manner.”

Then, the Texas man walked outside the airport, screaming that same refrain — “arrest me or leave me the fuck alone” — at least five times in front of children and other passengers.

The Texas man, age 47, went to jail for disorderly conduct and cursing uncontrollably. He hails from a ritzy suburb outside Houston.

WALK ON, CROUTON: Around 2 a.m. police got a call about a guy walking on I-75/85 near Spring Street. Upon arrival, the cop found a 36-year-old man strolling down the interstate. The cop stopped the man and asked: “What on earth are you doing?”

“(The man) stated that he was just walking on the highway because he saw it in movies,” the officer noted. “I explained that it’s illegal to walk on a controlled access highway such as I-75/85 … and I asked him where he was coming from and what he was doing prior to being on the highway.

“The man stated that he was stressed out about life and that his life has been very difficult,” the officer noted. “He said he just wanted to walk — and then kept on walking.”

Moments later, the man’s life became substantially more difficult. He went to jail for “walking on the interstate.”

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words."
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  string(6833) "I__N COLD BLOOD:__  A woman pulling a wagon tried to walk into the Auburn Avenue Research Library. A security guard stopped her, insisting she couldn’t bring her wagon inside. She was free to come into the library — as long as it was sans wagon. So the woman parked her wagon outside — and attempted to walk into library. Nope. Denied. The security guard said, “You can’t just leave your wagon in front of a public building!”

“The female then asks the staff of the library if they could watch her wagon,” an officer noted. Nope. Denied again. The security guard says no one is allowed to watch library patrons’ belongings.

The Wagongate debate clearly agitated the woman. “The woman then squatted down in front of the library and began urinating,” a police officer noted. “The female then reached into her private area, pulled out a tampon, and threw it inside the library.”

The flying tampon hit a patron reading inside the quiet library. The patron, a 52-year-old woman, told police that the flying tampon landed on her right foot. Outraged, she wants to press “full charges” against the tampon-flinging woman with the wagon.

The entire tampon-hurling incident was caught on the library’s surveillance cameras. The reporting officer reviewed the surveillance footage and noted, “I did in fact see where the white female urinated in front of the property and threw her tampon inside the location.”

The woman with her wagon went to jail.

__GET SHAFTED:__  At Lenox Square Mall, a police officer got a call about a possibly drunk, shirtless man yelling and cursing at customers while showing them his Johnson. The bare-chested man, age 30, was wearing a sassy pink hat, a suit jacket, and black pants. A witness saw the man “pull down his pants multiple times, at one point exposing the shaft of his penis.”

The cop found the pink-hat man inside Sephora makeup store, where he was cleaning his face. “He first informed me that his pants were down, then later stated his belt was loose so he was fixing his pants — and lastly he claimed that he was working out, and that’s why his pants were down,” the officer noted. “There is no gym or workout station at the location.”

Apparently, pink-hat man likes to show off his junk on a regular basis at Lenox. “(He’s) been accused of exposing himself, trespassing, and being disorderly” on previous occasions, the officer noted.

The man, age 30, went to jail. Police searched him and found a black cellphone, headphones, and a toy car.

__FAKEOUT FAIL:__ The City of Atlanta’s human resources manager got an email “requesting a change to payroll for Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms,” an officer wrote.  “Although the name attached to the address states it is from Keisha Lance Bottoms, the address did not come from a City of Atlanta government email address.” Instead, the email appeared to originate from Tampa Bay, Florida.

“The email requests (the human resources manager) to assist with changing the status of payment to a new bank account, which would be provided if he confirmed he could assist.”

“After review of the email, it was confirmed that this was not an email sent by Mayor Bottoms — and she is not aware of the email address,” the officer noted. “Atlanta Information Management was notified about the phishing email, which can help prevent cyber-crime attempts like this one from happening in the future.”

__STRANGE TRIP:__ Police got a call about a possible robbery from a hotel on Northside Drive near the Georgia World Congress Center. An injured man said he was walking through the hotel parking lot when he suddenly fell. What triggered his fall?

The reporting officer noted: “The man stated he fell because he tripped over religion. He then continued to add events to his story.”

The man said after he fell, he sat in a mystery person’s car for a while. Also, the man said he was sprinting before he fell, because someone with a gun was chasing him.

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What ''was'' very real: the blood streaming from the man’s head. Police took him to Grady Hospital, where staffers determined the man was “experiencing hallucinations.” The man, age 27, lives in Decatur.

__TEXAS WALKER STRANGER:__ At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a dispute broke out at the Chop House restaurant, and staffers flagged down police. “The employees said a Texas man was talking on his phone very loudly, begging someone to take him back,” a police officer noted. “Then, he began calling patrons ‘bitches’ and ‘motherfuckers.’ When (the manager) asked him to leave, he began calling her ‘bitch’ and ‘motherfucker.’”

The man looked at the female police sergeant and said, “You motherfucker, either you arrest me or leave me the fuck alone.” Then, the Texas man apologized, saying he needed a wheelchair — and he left the Chop House restaurant. Airport staffers brought him a wheelchair, he sat down, and staffers started wheeling him to the airport’s west curb. Suddenly, the Texas man started yelling and cursing again. He screamed, “Fuck Atlanta, TI the rapper, and the President’s wife.”

When the female police sergeant walked up again, the Texas man sprang out of his wheelchair and said, “Either you arrest me or leave me the fuck alone,” while “walking toward the police sergeant in an aggressive manner.”

Then, the Texas man walked outside the airport, screaming that same refrain — “arrest me or leave me the fuck alone” — at least five times in front of children and other passengers.

The Texas man, age 47, went to jail for disorderly conduct and cursing uncontrollably. He hails from a ritzy suburb outside Houston.

__WALK ON, CROUTON:__ Around 2 a.m. police got a call about a guy walking on I-75/85 near Spring Street. Upon arrival, the cop found a 36-year-old man strolling down the interstate. The cop stopped the man and asked: “What on earth are you doing?”

“(The man) stated that he was just walking on the highway because he saw it in movies,” the officer noted. “I explained that it’s illegal to walk on a controlled access highway such as I-75/85 … and I asked him where he was coming from and what he was doing prior to being on the highway.

“The man stated that he was stressed out about life and that his life has been very difficult,” the officer noted. “He said he just wanted to walk — and then kept on walking.”

Moments later, the man’s life became substantially more difficult. He went to jail for “walking on the interstate.”

''The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(7172) " Blot0819pinkhat Flasher Web  2019-08-01T20:50:42+00:00 blot0819pinkhat_flasher_web.jpg     And other tales of life in the ATL 21453  2019-08-01T20:47:21+00:00 THE BLOTTER: Tampon tirade jim.harris@creativeloafing.com Jim Harris Lauren Keating  2019-08-01T20:47:21+00:00  IN COLD BLOOD:  A woman pulling a wagon tried to walk into the Auburn Avenue Research Library. A security guard stopped her, insisting she couldn’t bring her wagon inside. She was free to come into the library — as long as it was sans wagon. So the woman parked her wagon outside — and attempted to walk into library. Nope. Denied. The security guard said, “You can’t just leave your wagon in front of a public building!”

“The female then asks the staff of the library if they could watch her wagon,” an officer noted. Nope. Denied again. The security guard says no one is allowed to watch library patrons’ belongings.

The Wagongate debate clearly agitated the woman. “The woman then squatted down in front of the library and began urinating,” a police officer noted. “The female then reached into her private area, pulled out a tampon, and threw it inside the library.”

The flying tampon hit a patron reading inside the quiet library. The patron, a 52-year-old woman, told police that the flying tampon landed on her right foot. Outraged, she wants to press “full charges” against the tampon-flinging woman with the wagon.

The entire tampon-hurling incident was caught on the library’s surveillance cameras. The reporting officer reviewed the surveillance footage and noted, “I did in fact see where the white female urinated in front of the property and threw her tampon inside the location.”

The woman with her wagon went to jail.

GET SHAFTED:  At Lenox Square Mall, a police officer got a call about a possibly drunk, shirtless man yelling and cursing at customers while showing them his Johnson. The bare-chested man, age 30, was wearing a sassy pink hat, a suit jacket, and black pants. A witness saw the man “pull down his pants multiple times, at one point exposing the shaft of his penis.”

The cop found the pink-hat man inside Sephora makeup store, where he was cleaning his face. “He first informed me that his pants were down, then later stated his belt was loose so he was fixing his pants — and lastly he claimed that he was working out, and that’s why his pants were down,” the officer noted. “There is no gym or workout station at the location.”

Apparently, pink-hat man likes to show off his junk on a regular basis at Lenox. “(He’s) been accused of exposing himself, trespassing, and being disorderly” on previous occasions, the officer noted.

The man, age 30, went to jail. Police searched him and found a black cellphone, headphones, and a toy car.

FAKEOUT FAIL: The City of Atlanta’s human resources manager got an email “requesting a change to payroll for Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms,” an officer wrote.  “Although the name attached to the address states it is from Keisha Lance Bottoms, the address did not come from a City of Atlanta government email address.” Instead, the email appeared to originate from Tampa Bay, Florida.

“The email requests (the human resources manager) to assist with changing the status of payment to a new bank account, which would be provided if he confirmed he could assist.”

“After review of the email, it was confirmed that this was not an email sent by Mayor Bottoms — and she is not aware of the email address,” the officer noted. “Atlanta Information Management was notified about the phishing email, which can help prevent cyber-crime attempts like this one from happening in the future.”

STRANGE TRIP: Police got a call about a possible robbery from a hotel on Northside Drive near the Georgia World Congress Center. An injured man said he was walking through the hotel parking lot when he suddenly fell. What triggered his fall?

The reporting officer noted: “The man stated he fell because he tripped over religion. He then continued to add events to his story.”

The man said after he fell, he sat in a mystery person’s car for a while. Also, the man said he was sprinting before he fell, because someone with a gun was chasing him.

However, neither the mystery person … nor the mystery car … was visible.

What was very real: the blood streaming from the man’s head. Police took him to Grady Hospital, where staffers determined the man was “experiencing hallucinations.” The man, age 27, lives in Decatur.

TEXAS WALKER STRANGER: At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a dispute broke out at the Chop House restaurant, and staffers flagged down police. “The employees said a Texas man was talking on his phone very loudly, begging someone to take him back,” a police officer noted. “Then, he began calling patrons ‘bitches’ and ‘motherfuckers.’ When (the manager) asked him to leave, he began calling her ‘bitch’ and ‘motherfucker.’”

The man looked at the female police sergeant and said, “You motherfucker, either you arrest me or leave me the fuck alone.” Then, the Texas man apologized, saying he needed a wheelchair — and he left the Chop House restaurant. Airport staffers brought him a wheelchair, he sat down, and staffers started wheeling him to the airport’s west curb. Suddenly, the Texas man started yelling and cursing again. He screamed, “Fuck Atlanta, TI the rapper, and the President’s wife.”

When the female police sergeant walked up again, the Texas man sprang out of his wheelchair and said, “Either you arrest me or leave me the fuck alone,” while “walking toward the police sergeant in an aggressive manner.”

Then, the Texas man walked outside the airport, screaming that same refrain — “arrest me or leave me the fuck alone” — at least five times in front of children and other passengers.

The Texas man, age 47, went to jail for disorderly conduct and cursing uncontrollably. He hails from a ritzy suburb outside Houston.

WALK ON, CROUTON: Around 2 a.m. police got a call about a guy walking on I-75/85 near Spring Street. Upon arrival, the cop found a 36-year-old man strolling down the interstate. The cop stopped the man and asked: “What on earth are you doing?”

“(The man) stated that he was just walking on the highway because he saw it in movies,” the officer noted. “I explained that it’s illegal to walk on a controlled access highway such as I-75/85 … and I asked him where he was coming from and what he was doing prior to being on the highway.

“The man stated that he was stressed out about life and that his life has been very difficult,” the officer noted. “He said he just wanted to walk — and then kept on walking.”

Moments later, the man’s life became substantially more difficult. He went to jail for “walking on the interstate.”

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and puts them into her own words.    Illustration by Tray Butler   0,0,1                                 THE BLOTTER: Tampon tirade "
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Thursday August 1, 2019 04:47 pm EDT
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Tuesday January 1, 2019 05:30 pm EST
And other tales of life in the ATL | more...
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The concerned neighbor said, "She doesn't have demons in her."

The mother pointed to her cellphone and said, "Look it up."

The concerned neighbor video-recorded her conversation with the mother - and showed that video to the police officer. The cop spoke with the mother, who admitted to talking about trying to get demons out of her daughter, but she did not admit to having any kind of mental illness. "The apartment was clean and there was plenty of food in the refrigerator," the cop noted. "The mother asked me several times if I saw demons? I asked her if she was seeing demons and she said no."

The cop repeatedly asked the mother to provide phone numbers for her close family members so he could call them about her behavior. She couldn't focus long enough to do that. Also, the mother pointed to her Bible. "I asked her if she was a strict Catholic and she said yes," the officer noted. "She seemed overwhelmed, and I kept trying to get her back on track."

The cop took the mother to Grady Memorial Hospital for psychiatric observation.

High & flighty

Near Atlantic Station, cops received a call from a 42-year-old man claiming he got punched by a dude wearing a blue dress inside a 17th Street apartment.

Upon arrival, the officer looked at the 42-year-old carefully, searching for bruises or other trauma. "It did not look like he had been in a fight, and he appeared to be under the influence of meth," the cop noted. The man admitted he used meth within the last 24 hours.

The officer was familiar with this specific apartment; a slim suspect known to carry a gun and fight with cops often hangs out there. So the responding officer called for backup. Three more cops showed up and all surrounded the apartment. Inside, they found four suspects, including a man wearing a blue dress. Another guy wore a wig, tight black shirt and pants. No one actually paid rent there.

The cop noted: "In speaking to everyone regarding the fight call, I was able to determine that no fight occurred and it was a verbal argument over a sweater."

Itchy thump

Around noon in Downtown Atlanta, police spotted a half-naked man "with his pants all the way down," standing in the road near a pizza and wings restaurant. An officer noted that the man was "ferociously scratching his genitals and buttocks, exposing in the process his body parts to pedestrians and motorists" as traffic whizzed by. The officer stopped to chat with the enthusiastic scratcher. "The man said he had to do it because he was itching a lot." The 58-year-old man went to jail on public indecency charges.

Look beyond what you can see

In Midtown, a woman went to a salon to get eyelash extensions. "When she woke up the next morning, her eyes were closed shut and swollen," an officer noted. "She returned to the salon and requested that they take the lashes off. The woman said they then put tape on her eyes to remove the lashes. The tape began burning her eyes." The woman demanded medical attention.

The officer asked the eyelash technician for her side of the story. She said when the woman first walked into the salon, she had "her own fake lashes that she wanted put on." The technician said the woman's fake lashes are not compatible with the type of glue used at this salon. Even after the incompatibility explanation and warnings, the woman insisted on getting her fake lashes put on. "They are the best," the woman insisted. The tech said when the woman returned the next day, wanting her lashes removed, she used a specific brand of professional lash remover that the woman approved. After the procedure, she told the woman to keep her eyes closed for five minutes, but the woman kept opening her eyes. "As a result, the product got in her eyes, causing them to burn." The woman was transported to Emory University Hospital Midtown for treatment.


Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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The concerned neighbor said, "She doesn't have demons in her."

The mother pointed to her cellphone and said, "Look it up."

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__===Itchy thump===__

Around noon in Downtown Atlanta, police spotted a half-naked man "with his pants all the way down," standing in the road near a pizza and wings restaurant. An officer noted that the man was "ferociously scratching his genitals and buttocks, exposing in the process his body parts to pedestrians and motorists" as traffic whizzed by. The officer stopped to chat with the enthusiastic scratcher. "The man said he had to do it because he was itching a lot." The 58-year-old man went to jail on public indecency charges.

__===Look beyond what you can see===__

In Midtown, a woman went to a salon to get eyelash extensions. "When she woke up the next morning, her eyes were closed shut and swollen," an officer noted. "She returned to the salon and requested that they take the lashes off. The woman said they then put tape on her eyes to remove the lashes. The tape began burning her eyes." The woman demanded medical attention.

The officer asked the eyelash technician for her side of the story. She said when the woman first walked into the salon, she had "her own fake lashes that she wanted put on." The technician said the woman's fake lashes are not compatible with the type of glue used at this salon. Even after the incompatibility explanation and warnings, the woman insisted on getting her fake lashes put on. "They are the best," the woman insisted. The tech said when the woman returned the next day, wanting her lashes removed, she used a specific brand of professional lash remover that the woman approved. After the procedure, she told the woman to keep her eyes closed for five minutes, but the woman kept opening her eyes. "As a result, the product got in her eyes, causing them to burn." The woman was transported to Emory University Hospital Midtown for treatment.


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  string(4928) " Illustration By Tray Butler  2018-05-08T21:53:32+00:00 Illustration by Tray Butler.png     Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports 5329  2017-07-12T01:04:00+00:00 The Blotter: Chasing Beelzebub clint@thenetworkedplanet.com Clint Bergst Lauren Keating  2017-07-12T01:04:00+00:00  In Lakewood Heights, a cop wrote a report about a "mother attempting to cast demons out of her daughter." A female neighbor became concerned when she saw the 37-year-old mother "screaming at her daughter to run up and down the stairs and was being made to say her mother's name," according to the police report. "When she was making her daughter run down the stairs, the mother shouted, Faster, faster! We are going to get those demons out of her.'"

The concerned neighbor said, "She doesn't have demons in her."

The mother pointed to her cellphone and said, "Look it up."

The concerned neighbor video-recorded her conversation with the mother - and showed that video to the police officer. The cop spoke with the mother, who admitted to talking about trying to get demons out of her daughter, but she did not admit to having any kind of mental illness. "The apartment was clean and there was plenty of food in the refrigerator," the cop noted. "The mother asked me several times if I saw demons? I asked her if she was seeing demons and she said no."

The cop repeatedly asked the mother to provide phone numbers for her close family members so he could call them about her behavior. She couldn't focus long enough to do that. Also, the mother pointed to her Bible. "I asked her if she was a strict Catholic and she said yes," the officer noted. "She seemed overwhelmed, and I kept trying to get her back on track."

The cop took the mother to Grady Memorial Hospital for psychiatric observation.

High & flighty

Near Atlantic Station, cops received a call from a 42-year-old man claiming he got punched by a dude wearing a blue dress inside a 17th Street apartment.

Upon arrival, the officer looked at the 42-year-old carefully, searching for bruises or other trauma. "It did not look like he had been in a fight, and he appeared to be under the influence of meth," the cop noted. The man admitted he used meth within the last 24 hours.

The officer was familiar with this specific apartment; a slim suspect known to carry a gun and fight with cops often hangs out there. So the responding officer called for backup. Three more cops showed up and all surrounded the apartment. Inside, they found four suspects, including a man wearing a blue dress. Another guy wore a wig, tight black shirt and pants. No one actually paid rent there.

The cop noted: "In speaking to everyone regarding the fight call, I was able to determine that no fight occurred and it was a verbal argument over a sweater."

Itchy thump

Around noon in Downtown Atlanta, police spotted a half-naked man "with his pants all the way down," standing in the road near a pizza and wings restaurant. An officer noted that the man was "ferociously scratching his genitals and buttocks, exposing in the process his body parts to pedestrians and motorists" as traffic whizzed by. The officer stopped to chat with the enthusiastic scratcher. "The man said he had to do it because he was itching a lot." The 58-year-old man went to jail on public indecency charges.

Look beyond what you can see

In Midtown, a woman went to a salon to get eyelash extensions. "When she woke up the next morning, her eyes were closed shut and swollen," an officer noted. "She returned to the salon and requested that they take the lashes off. The woman said they then put tape on her eyes to remove the lashes. The tape began burning her eyes." The woman demanded medical attention.

The officer asked the eyelash technician for her side of the story. She said when the woman first walked into the salon, she had "her own fake lashes that she wanted put on." The technician said the woman's fake lashes are not compatible with the type of glue used at this salon. Even after the incompatibility explanation and warnings, the woman insisted on getting her fake lashes put on. "They are the best," the woman insisted. The tech said when the woman returned the next day, wanting her lashes removed, she used a specific brand of professional lash remover that the woman approved. After the procedure, she told the woman to keep her eyes closed for five minutes, but the woman kept opening her eyes. "As a result, the product got in her eyes, causing them to burn." The woman was transported to Emory University Hospital Midtown for treatment.


Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.    Illustration by Tray Butler         20867272         http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2017/07/news_blotter1_1_12WEB.59653d8e880d0.png                  The Blotter: Chasing Beelzebub "
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Tuesday July 11, 2017 09:04 pm EDT
Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports | more...
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  string(5023) "In a Buckhead park, three suspicious packages triggered people's anxiety. A cop arrived and looked at the problem: a trio of unattended boxes (at least one from Amazon).

Box No. 1 was already open. Looking inside, the cop saw "an ID with Islamic writing." She said she removed "the plastic bag where the ID was contained and noticed a black bag with locks." Alarmed by the bag, the cop called her boss, who called Homeland Security.Soon, the park was filled with bomb-sniffing K9 dogs and two Homeland Security units. The police dogs went to work. "It was determined that no explosive material was present in any of those packages," an officer noted.So what was inside the suspicious packages? According to the police report, "The small Amazon box contained cat food and was returned to its owner (a 64-year-old woman), whose name was on the package."

Box No. 2 contained a laptop computer and paperwork, all returned to its owner. Inside Box No. 3: window-cleaning equipment. Someone decided to send the window-cleaning equipment to the maintenance staff of a nearby building.

Crappy situation

In Brookwood Hills, a 30-year-old woman heard a "hard knock" on her apartment's front door. Looking through the peephole, she saw an angry man in a hat and striped shirt, clutching a black rifle. "Open the door!" the man shouted, while banging with the "butt end of the gun.

Alarmed, the woman secured all the locks and called police. "Stop doing that shit!" the man yelled, banging even harder, "like he was trying to break in.

Now panicked, the woman called her boyfriend and told him to come home right now. Seconds later, the angry man fired a shot then two more shots. According to the woman, the gunfire sounds seemed to be coming from underneath her apartment.Police arrived. "

The woman said that she'd never seen the man before" a cop noted. "The woman also said she has two dogs that she lets defecate on her balcony, which she periodically washes off with water.

Apparently, the woman's dog-poop disposal method wasn't popular with her neighbors.The rifle-toting man said he's fed up with the constant stream of dog shit falling onto his balcony. He lives in the apartment below with his wife and young daughter. He simply wanted the woman to deal with her shit differently.

Police took the rifle-toting man, 27, to jail on aggravated assault charges.

Lame leverage ploy

On I-20, a cop spotted a speeding white pickup truck making numerous lane changes. Then, the white pickup truck swerved over white lines near the Hill Street exit.The cop flipped on his blue lights and siren. The pickup stopped, and the driver, a 53-year-old man, hopped out. "Get back into your truck until I tell you to get out," the cop said."Just wanted to be friendly," the driver replied.The driver "continued to talk without hesitation, explaining that he had a difficult day at work and his words slurred together so much that I had to have him repeat himself," the cop noted.

The driver said he had a few beers earlier with friends and then flunked three field-sobriety tests in a row. "You got me," the driver said, admitting he "probably was a hair over the limit" regarding alcohol.

The cop explained the charges: DUI and reckless driving. The driver said he owns a pizza restaurant, and offered the cop "free pizza." "We can all forget about this," the driver said.

Free pizza didn't sway the cop. He took the driver to jail.

Lucid or lunatic?

Cops received a call about an ongoing rubbish controversy at a Midtown theater/event venue. The suspect, a 48-year-old man, "constantly sits on the sidewalk, blocking people ... and then throws items of trash all over the sidewalk, street and side lawn," noted the cop. "The amount of trash is considerable, filling half of a 50-gallon bag." The caller said he's had to hire someone almost daily to clean up the man's rubbish.

The cop asked the 48-year-old man for his side of the story. The man "began to ramble in broken sentences," the cop noted. "He was attempting to act like he was completely mentally ill but was able to make logical conclusions. Knew there are four quarters in a dollar and that the president is Donald Trump." Yet the man refused to identify himself, saying only that his name is "the Bible.

Several times, the cop offered the man a deal: Just pick up the trash, instead of going to jail. The man refused. "He tried to quote Scripture, call me Satan and say the police have no authority over him," the cop noted.

So the man was charged with littering and giving a false name. "On several occasions, he would respond clearly to certain items he was concerned about, i.e., property, money, but refused to cooperate in any other way. He tries to act mentally ill, and though that may be to an extent ... [he] is very aware of his surroundings and chooses when to act sane.


Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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  string(5053) "In a Buckhead park, three suspicious packages triggered people's anxiety. A cop arrived and looked at the problem: a trio of unattended boxes (at least one from Amazon).

Box No. 1 was already open. Looking inside, the cop saw "an ID with Islamic writing." She said she removed "the plastic bag where the ID was contained and noticed a black bag with locks." Alarmed by the bag, the cop called her boss, who called Homeland Security.Soon, the park was filled with bomb-sniffing K9 dogs and two Homeland Security units. The police dogs went to work. "It was determined that no explosive material was present in any of those packages," an officer noted.So what was inside the suspicious packages? According to the police report, "The small Amazon box contained cat food and was returned to its owner (a 64-year-old woman), whose name was on the package."

Box No. 2 contained a laptop computer and paperwork, all returned to its owner. Inside Box No. 3: window-cleaning equipment. Someone decided to send the window-cleaning equipment to the maintenance staff of a nearby building.

__Crappy situation__

In Brookwood Hills, a 30-year-old woman heard a "hard knock" on her apartment's front door. Looking through the peephole, she saw an angry man in a hat and striped shirt, clutching a black rifle. "Open the door!" the man shouted, while banging with the "butt end of the gun.

Alarmed, the woman secured all the locks and called police. "Stop doing that shit!" the man yelled, banging even harder, "like he was trying to break in.

Now panicked, the woman called her boyfriend and told him to come home right now. Seconds later, the angry man fired a shot then two more shots. According to the woman, the gunfire sounds seemed to be coming from underneath her apartment.Police arrived. "

[[The woman] said that she'd never seen the man before" a cop noted. "The woman also said she has two dogs that she lets defecate on her balcony, which she periodically washes off with water.

Apparently, the woman's dog-poop disposal method wasn't popular with her neighbors.The rifle-toting man said he's fed up with the constant stream of dog shit falling onto his balcony. He lives in the apartment below with his wife and young daughter. He simply wanted the woman to deal with her shit differently.

Police took the rifle-toting man, 27, to jail on aggravated assault charges.

__Lame leverage ploy__

On I-20, a cop spotted a speeding white pickup truck making numerous lane changes. Then, the white pickup truck swerved over white lines near the Hill Street exit.The cop flipped on his blue lights and siren. The pickup stopped, and the driver, a 53-year-old man, hopped out. "Get back into your truck until I tell you to get out," the cop said."Just wanted to be friendly," the driver replied.The driver "continued to talk without hesitation, explaining that he had a difficult day at work and his words slurred together so much that I had to have him repeat himself," the cop noted.

The driver said he had a few beers earlier with friends and then flunked three field-sobriety tests in a row. "You got me," the driver said, admitting he "probably was a hair over the limit" regarding alcohol.

The cop explained the charges: DUI and reckless driving. The driver said he owns a pizza restaurant, and offered the cop "free pizza." "We can all forget about this," the driver said.

Free pizza didn't sway the cop. He took the driver to jail.

__Lucid or lunatic?__

Cops received a call about an ongoing rubbish controversy at a Midtown theater/event venue. The suspect, a 48-year-old man, "constantly sits on the sidewalk, blocking people ... and then throws items of trash all over the sidewalk, street and side lawn," noted the cop. "The amount of trash is considerable, filling half of a 50-gallon bag." The caller said he's had to hire someone almost daily to clean up the man's rubbish.

The cop asked the 48-year-old man for his side of the story. The man "began to ramble in broken sentences," the cop noted. "[[He] was attempting to act like he was completely mentally ill but was able to make logical conclusions. Knew there are four quarters in a dollar and that the president is Donald Trump." Yet the man refused to identify himself, saying only that his name is "the Bible.

Several times, the cop offered the man a deal: Just pick up the trash, instead of going to jail. The man refused. "He tried to quote Scripture, call me Satan and say the police have no authority over him," the cop noted.

So the man was charged with littering and giving a false name. "On several occasions, [[he] would respond clearly to certain items he was concerned about, i.e., property, money, but refused to cooperate in any other way. [[He] tries to act mentally ill, and though that may be to an extent ... [[[he] is very aware of his surroundings and chooses when to act sane.


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  string(5293) "    Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports   2017-06-06T18:19:00+00:00 The Blotter: Problematic parcel ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating  2017-06-06T18:19:00+00:00  In a Buckhead park, three suspicious packages triggered people's anxiety. A cop arrived and looked at the problem: a trio of unattended boxes (at least one from Amazon).

Box No. 1 was already open. Looking inside, the cop saw "an ID with Islamic writing." She said she removed "the plastic bag where the ID was contained and noticed a black bag with locks." Alarmed by the bag, the cop called her boss, who called Homeland Security.Soon, the park was filled with bomb-sniffing K9 dogs and two Homeland Security units. The police dogs went to work. "It was determined that no explosive material was present in any of those packages," an officer noted.So what was inside the suspicious packages? According to the police report, "The small Amazon box contained cat food and was returned to its owner (a 64-year-old woman), whose name was on the package."

Box No. 2 contained a laptop computer and paperwork, all returned to its owner. Inside Box No. 3: window-cleaning equipment. Someone decided to send the window-cleaning equipment to the maintenance staff of a nearby building.

Crappy situation

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Alarmed, the woman secured all the locks and called police. "Stop doing that shit!" the man yelled, banging even harder, "like he was trying to break in.

Now panicked, the woman called her boyfriend and told him to come home right now. Seconds later, the angry man fired a shot then two more shots. According to the woman, the gunfire sounds seemed to be coming from underneath her apartment.Police arrived. "

The woman said that she'd never seen the man before" a cop noted. "The woman also said she has two dogs that she lets defecate on her balcony, which she periodically washes off with water.

Apparently, the woman's dog-poop disposal method wasn't popular with her neighbors.The rifle-toting man said he's fed up with the constant stream of dog shit falling onto his balcony. He lives in the apartment below with his wife and young daughter. He simply wanted the woman to deal with her shit differently.

Police took the rifle-toting man, 27, to jail on aggravated assault charges.

Lame leverage ploy

On I-20, a cop spotted a speeding white pickup truck making numerous lane changes. Then, the white pickup truck swerved over white lines near the Hill Street exit.The cop flipped on his blue lights and siren. The pickup stopped, and the driver, a 53-year-old man, hopped out. "Get back into your truck until I tell you to get out," the cop said."Just wanted to be friendly," the driver replied.The driver "continued to talk without hesitation, explaining that he had a difficult day at work and his words slurred together so much that I had to have him repeat himself," the cop noted.

The driver said he had a few beers earlier with friends and then flunked three field-sobriety tests in a row. "You got me," the driver said, admitting he "probably was a hair over the limit" regarding alcohol.

The cop explained the charges: DUI and reckless driving. The driver said he owns a pizza restaurant, and offered the cop "free pizza." "We can all forget about this," the driver said.

Free pizza didn't sway the cop. He took the driver to jail.

Lucid or lunatic?

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The cop asked the 48-year-old man for his side of the story. The man "began to ramble in broken sentences," the cop noted. "He was attempting to act like he was completely mentally ill but was able to make logical conclusions. Knew there are four quarters in a dollar and that the president is Donald Trump." Yet the man refused to identify himself, saying only that his name is "the Bible.

Several times, the cop offered the man a deal: Just pick up the trash, instead of going to jail. The man refused. "He tried to quote Scripture, call me Satan and say the police have no authority over him," the cop noted.

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Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             20863788                           The Blotter: Problematic parcel "
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Tuesday June 6, 2017 02:19 pm EDT
Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports | more...
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All right, all right. We got your calls, DMs and countless email messages, among other correspondences, urging us (the good folks at Creative Loafing) to bring back the Blotter. Atlanta’s most infamous crime column, featuring true-life accounts of illegal activity derived from local police reports, the Blotter had been running every week in the pages of CL’s print edition and on our website for years … until it was discontinued this past summer. But, rejoice! Your prayers have been answered: The Blotter is officially back in business — with the famed team of writer Lauren Keating and artist Tray Butler at the helm once again. This time around, however, the column will be published once per month. So keep your eyes peeled on the second Thursday of each month for new (and, undoubtedly, bizarre) tales of assault, battery, theft and ... I’m almost afraid to imagine what else.
— Carlton Hargro

LADY MACHINA“It was dark and rainy,” a cop recalled. “A black Mazda was blocking two lanes of traffic, one northbound and one southbound, on Boulevard.” The car was parked at about a 45-degree angle across the double yellow lines (at Boulevard Tunnel near Decatur Street), and no one was inside the vehicle.The cop left his patrol car to investigate. Suddenly, a loud, cursing woman appeared. “She asked me why they changed the names of the streets,” the cop noted. “She said the car was hers and answered with attitude.” The woman refused to turn over her driver’s license, insisting the cop “did not have the authority” to see her ID.“It was raining, and our conversation was not going anywhere. She was not complying and the car was a hazard.” So the cop took the woman to the Boulevard police precinct and sent backup officers to figure out what was wrong with her car.Turns out, the woman’s zigzag parking was by choice. “There was nothing wrong with the car,” the cop noted. After much prodding, the mystery woman finally revealed her identity. The cop noted, “She did request that we take her to Atlanta Medical Center to get the computer chips removed from her brain.”

BARE ASSERTIONIn Downtown Atlanta, cops noticed a grinning man “standing on the sidewalk naked” as afternoon rush-hour traffic whizzed by on Forsyth Street. His clothes were in a nearby pile. The cop asked the naked man to get dressed — and he refused. So the cop handcuffed the man, 59, and put him in a patrol car. The nude man said he hadn’t taken any drugs and he’s just fine, but he’s burning up and needs a place to rest.

DOUBLE SHAFTEDA Virginia guy and gal in their early 30s were visiting Atlanta, and staying in a hotel Downtown. After a few cocktails, they decided to get frisky. “They were having intercourse in the hotel room,” a cop noted in the police report.“I had finished first, and he was still trying to get his,” the girlfriend recalled. “But I was getting tired, and I wanted him off me.” Frisky time ended abruptly, and the couple got into a heated argument.Still bickering, the couple went downstairs to the valet area of the hotel’s south tower. They decided to go out for a drink and cool off. So they asked a valet to retrieve the girlfriend’s white Ford Fusion. The couple’s argument escalated to yelling and utter outrage by the time the valet returned with her car. Fuming, the couple nixed the outing and decided to go back to their hotel room so the girlfriend could gather up her stuff and leave. She said her boyfriend suddenly “got even more mad,” grabbed a flower vase from the hotel lobby and hurled it into a white Ford Fusion, shattering glass everywhere. Small problem: It wasn’t his girlfriend’s car. Two identical white Fords were parked in the valet area.Completely unaware, the boyfriend continued his rampage, breaking a window and smashing the white car’s windshield. “You are attacking the wrong car!” someone yelled. Once that realization sank in, the boyfriend whirled around, located his girlfriend’s white car and kept going, smashing her windshield and windows.Hotel security guards witnessed both attacks and called police. The boyfriend went to jail, charged with second-degree property damage.

HOT RIDEOutside an Ansley Park veterinary clinic, an employee saw two suspicious men break into a Mercedes-Benz in the parking lot. Their motivation? Not theft. The two men started passionately kissing inside the blue Mercedes and kept canoodling for more than an hour.The employee asked the lusty men to leave. They refused. So she told her boss, a veterinary doctor, who quickly realized the car in question belonged to him. The veterinarian walked outside and spotted two men “kissing with their pants off” inside his blue Mercedes-Benz. Ahem. The veterinarian made his presence known. One man quickly bolted from the car and sprinted away (apparently without pants). The vet detained the second kissing bandit, a 30-year-old from Duluth, and called police.A cop arrived and interviewed the Duluth kisser, whose eyes were “red and glossy.” Slurring, the kisser said he had no recollection of how he got inside the Mercedes — or who he’d been kissing. He didn’t have a single clue about his make-out partner’s identity. The Duluth kisser went to jail, charged with drunk and disorderly conduct.

THE BIGGER THE ENGINE, THE SMALLER THE …In Capitol View, a cop spotted a gray Porsche speeding along Metropolitan Parkway and weaving into traffic — with one tire blown, riding on “the bare rim of the front wheel.” The officer stopped the Porsche and spoke with the driver, a 41-year-old man. He said he was only speeding to try to get to the tire shop to put air in his tire.The cop noted, “The driver asked me several times to hold his car key because he needed to throw up. I told the driver that I did not need to hold the car key for him to throw up.”“Get out of the Porsche,” the cop said. “He walked over to the curb and began pulling down his pants and said he needed to defecate and was going to do so on the side of the road.”The man “talked excessively” and vomited during field sobriety tests. When he realized a DUI charge was unavoidable, the man got angry fast. “He said he was going to have me fired, and I should start thinking about what job I want to have after,” the cop recalled. “The man said he was running for City Council. He stated that God was going to judge me for this when I die.” Alas, a Google search reveals no political candidacy for this man. Nice try.

BREAK THE BANKAt a gas station on Boulevard, a white Jeep pulled up and two guys jumped out and walked inside. Store surveillance video shows: “One male went to the counter and started distracting the clerk, while the other one walked over to the ATM machine and started vandalizing it. The male put white-out on the scanner, stuck a fork in the lock and poured Krazy Glue on the bill acceptor.”The two men hopped back in the Jeep and sped away. No items reported missing.



Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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All right, all right. We got your calls, DMs and countless email messages, among other correspondences, urging us (the good folks at ''Creative Loafing'') to bring back the Blotter. Atlanta’s most infamous crime column, featuring true-life accounts of illegal activity derived from local police reports, the Blotter had been running every week in the pages of ''CL''’s print edition and on our website for years … until it was discontinued this past summer. But, rejoice! Your prayers have been answered: The Blotter is officially back in business — with the famed team of writer Lauren Keating and artist Tray Butler at the helm once again. This time around, however, the column will be published once per month. So keep your eyes peeled on the second Thursday of each month for new (and, undoubtedly, bizarre) tales of assault, battery, theft and ... I’m almost afraid to imagine what else.
__— Carlton Hargro__

__LADY MACHINA__“It was dark and rainy,” a cop recalled. “A black [[Mazda] was blocking two lanes of traffic, one northbound [and] one southbound, on Boulevard.” The car was parked at about a 45-degree angle across the double yellow lines (at Boulevard Tunnel near Decatur Street), and no one was inside the vehicle.The cop left his patrol car to investigate. Suddenly, a loud, cursing woman appeared. “She asked me why they changed the names of the streets,” the cop noted. “She said the car was hers and answered with attitude.” The woman refused to turn over her driver’s license, insisting the cop “did not have the authority” to see her ID.“It was raining, and our conversation was not going anywhere. She was not complying and the car was a hazard.” So the cop took the woman to the Boulevard police precinct and sent backup officers to figure out what was wrong with her car.Turns out, the woman’s zigzag parking was by choice. “There was nothing wrong with the car,” the cop noted. After much prodding, the mystery woman finally revealed her identity. The cop noted, “She did request that we take her to Atlanta Medical Center to get the computer chips removed from her brain.”

__BARE ASSERTION__In Downtown Atlanta, cops noticed a grinning man “standing on the sidewalk naked” as afternoon rush-hour traffic whizzed by on Forsyth Street. His clothes were in a nearby pile. The cop asked the naked man to get dressed — and he refused. So the cop handcuffed the man, 59, and put him in a patrol car. The nude man said he hadn’t taken any drugs and he’s just fine, but he’s burning up and needs a place to rest.

__DOUBLE SHAFTED__A Virginia guy and gal in their early 30s were visiting Atlanta, and staying in a hotel Downtown. After a few cocktails, they decided to get frisky. “They were having intercourse in the hotel room,” a cop noted in the police report.“I had finished first, and he was still trying to get his,” the girlfriend recalled. “But I was getting tired, and I wanted him off me.” Frisky time ended abruptly, and the couple got into a heated argument.Still bickering, the couple went downstairs to the valet area of the hotel’s south tower. They decided to go out for a drink and cool off. So they asked a valet to retrieve the girlfriend’s white Ford Fusion. The couple’s argument escalated to yelling and utter outrage by the time the valet returned with her car. Fuming, the couple nixed the outing and decided to go back to their hotel room so the girlfriend could gather up her stuff and leave. She said her boyfriend suddenly “got even more mad,” grabbed a flower vase from the hotel lobby and hurled it into a white Ford Fusion, shattering glass everywhere. Small problem: It wasn’t his girlfriend’s car. Two identical white Fords were parked in the valet area.Completely unaware, the boyfriend continued his rampage, breaking a window and smashing the white car’s windshield. “You are attacking the wrong car!” someone yelled. Once that realization sank in, the boyfriend whirled around, located his girlfriend’s white car and kept going, smashing her windshield and windows.Hotel security guards witnessed both attacks and called police. The boyfriend went to jail, charged with second-degree property damage.

__HOT RIDE__Outside an Ansley Park veterinary clinic, an employee saw two suspicious men break into a Mercedes-Benz in the parking lot. Their motivation? Not theft. The two men started passionately kissing inside the blue Mercedes and kept canoodling for more than an hour.The employee asked the lusty men to leave. They refused. So she told her boss, a veterinary doctor, who quickly realized the car in question belonged to him. The veterinarian walked outside and spotted two men “kissing with their pants off” inside his blue Mercedes-Benz. Ahem. The veterinarian made his presence known. One man quickly bolted from the car and sprinted away (apparently without pants). The vet detained the second kissing bandit, a 30-year-old from Duluth, and called police.A cop arrived and interviewed the Duluth kisser, whose eyes were “red and glossy.” Slurring, the kisser said he had no recollection of how he got inside the Mercedes — or who he’d been kissing. He didn’t have a single clue about his make-out partner’s identity. The Duluth kisser went to jail, charged with drunk and disorderly conduct.

__THE BIGGER THE ENGINE, THE SMALLER THE …__In Capitol View, a cop spotted a gray Porsche speeding along Metropolitan Parkway and weaving into traffic — with one tire blown, riding on “the bare rim of the front wheel.” The officer stopped the Porsche and spoke with the driver, a 41-year-old man. He said he was only speeding to try to get to the tire shop to put air in his tire.The cop noted, “[[The driver] asked me several times to hold his car key because he needed to throw up. I told [the driver] that I did not need to hold the car key for him to throw up.”“Get out of the Porsche,” the cop said. “He walked over to the curb and began pulling down his pants and said he needed to defecate and was going to do so on the side of the road.”The man “talked excessively” and vomited during field sobriety tests. When he realized a DUI charge was unavoidable, the man got angry fast. “He said he was going to have me fired, and I should start thinking about what job I want to have after,” the cop recalled. “[The man] said he was running for City Council. [[He] stated that God was going to judge me for this when I die.” Alas, a Google search reveals no political candidacy for this man. Nice try.

__BREAK THE BANK__At a gas station on Boulevard, a white Jeep pulled up and two guys jumped out and walked inside. Store surveillance video shows: “One male went to the counter and started distracting the clerk, while the other one walked over to the ATM machine and started vandalizing it. The male put white-out on the scanner, stuck a fork in the lock and poured [[Krazy] Glue on the bill acceptor.”The two men hopped back in the Jeep and sped away. No items reported missing.



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All right, all right. We got your calls, DMs and countless email messages, among other correspondences, urging us (the good folks at Creative Loafing) to bring back the Blotter. Atlanta’s most infamous crime column, featuring true-life accounts of illegal activity derived from local police reports, the Blotter had been running every week in the pages of CL’s print edition and on our website for years … until it was discontinued this past summer. But, rejoice! Your prayers have been answered: The Blotter is officially back in business — with the famed team of writer Lauren Keating and artist Tray Butler at the helm once again. This time around, however, the column will be published once per month. So keep your eyes peeled on the second Thursday of each month for new (and, undoubtedly, bizarre) tales of assault, battery, theft and ... I’m almost afraid to imagine what else.
— Carlton Hargro

LADY MACHINA“It was dark and rainy,” a cop recalled. “A black Mazda was blocking two lanes of traffic, one northbound and one southbound, on Boulevard.” The car was parked at about a 45-degree angle across the double yellow lines (at Boulevard Tunnel near Decatur Street), and no one was inside the vehicle.The cop left his patrol car to investigate. Suddenly, a loud, cursing woman appeared. “She asked me why they changed the names of the streets,” the cop noted. “She said the car was hers and answered with attitude.” The woman refused to turn over her driver’s license, insisting the cop “did not have the authority” to see her ID.“It was raining, and our conversation was not going anywhere. She was not complying and the car was a hazard.” So the cop took the woman to the Boulevard police precinct and sent backup officers to figure out what was wrong with her car.Turns out, the woman’s zigzag parking was by choice. “There was nothing wrong with the car,” the cop noted. After much prodding, the mystery woman finally revealed her identity. The cop noted, “She did request that we take her to Atlanta Medical Center to get the computer chips removed from her brain.”

BARE ASSERTIONIn Downtown Atlanta, cops noticed a grinning man “standing on the sidewalk naked” as afternoon rush-hour traffic whizzed by on Forsyth Street. His clothes were in a nearby pile. The cop asked the naked man to get dressed — and he refused. So the cop handcuffed the man, 59, and put him in a patrol car. The nude man said he hadn’t taken any drugs and he’s just fine, but he’s burning up and needs a place to rest.

DOUBLE SHAFTEDA Virginia guy and gal in their early 30s were visiting Atlanta, and staying in a hotel Downtown. After a few cocktails, they decided to get frisky. “They were having intercourse in the hotel room,” a cop noted in the police report.“I had finished first, and he was still trying to get his,” the girlfriend recalled. “But I was getting tired, and I wanted him off me.” Frisky time ended abruptly, and the couple got into a heated argument.Still bickering, the couple went downstairs to the valet area of the hotel’s south tower. They decided to go out for a drink and cool off. So they asked a valet to retrieve the girlfriend’s white Ford Fusion. The couple’s argument escalated to yelling and utter outrage by the time the valet returned with her car. Fuming, the couple nixed the outing and decided to go back to their hotel room so the girlfriend could gather up her stuff and leave. She said her boyfriend suddenly “got even more mad,” grabbed a flower vase from the hotel lobby and hurled it into a white Ford Fusion, shattering glass everywhere. Small problem: It wasn’t his girlfriend’s car. Two identical white Fords were parked in the valet area.Completely unaware, the boyfriend continued his rampage, breaking a window and smashing the white car’s windshield. “You are attacking the wrong car!” someone yelled. Once that realization sank in, the boyfriend whirled around, located his girlfriend’s white car and kept going, smashing her windshield and windows.Hotel security guards witnessed both attacks and called police. The boyfriend went to jail, charged with second-degree property damage.

HOT RIDEOutside an Ansley Park veterinary clinic, an employee saw two suspicious men break into a Mercedes-Benz in the parking lot. Their motivation? Not theft. The two men started passionately kissing inside the blue Mercedes and kept canoodling for more than an hour.The employee asked the lusty men to leave. They refused. So she told her boss, a veterinary doctor, who quickly realized the car in question belonged to him. The veterinarian walked outside and spotted two men “kissing with their pants off” inside his blue Mercedes-Benz. Ahem. The veterinarian made his presence known. One man quickly bolted from the car and sprinted away (apparently without pants). The vet detained the second kissing bandit, a 30-year-old from Duluth, and called police.A cop arrived and interviewed the Duluth kisser, whose eyes were “red and glossy.” Slurring, the kisser said he had no recollection of how he got inside the Mercedes — or who he’d been kissing. He didn’t have a single clue about his make-out partner’s identity. The Duluth kisser went to jail, charged with drunk and disorderly conduct.

THE BIGGER THE ENGINE, THE SMALLER THE …In Capitol View, a cop spotted a gray Porsche speeding along Metropolitan Parkway and weaving into traffic — with one tire blown, riding on “the bare rim of the front wheel.” The officer stopped the Porsche and spoke with the driver, a 41-year-old man. He said he was only speeding to try to get to the tire shop to put air in his tire.The cop noted, “The driver asked me several times to hold his car key because he needed to throw up. I told the driver that I did not need to hold the car key for him to throw up.”“Get out of the Porsche,” the cop said. “He walked over to the curb and began pulling down his pants and said he needed to defecate and was going to do so on the side of the road.”The man “talked excessively” and vomited during field sobriety tests. When he realized a DUI charge was unavoidable, the man got angry fast. “He said he was going to have me fired, and I should start thinking about what job I want to have after,” the cop recalled. “The man said he was running for City Council. He stated that God was going to judge me for this when I die.” Alas, a Google search reveals no political candidacy for this man. Nice try.

BREAK THE BANKAt a gas station on Boulevard, a white Jeep pulled up and two guys jumped out and walked inside. Store surveillance video shows: “One male went to the counter and started distracting the clerk, while the other one walked over to the ATM machine and started vandalizing it. The male put white-out on the scanner, stuck a fork in the lock and poured Krazy Glue on the bill acceptor.”The two men hopped back in the Jeep and sped away. No items reported missing.



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Thursday March 9, 2017 01:40 pm EST
Atlanta's infamous crime column returns to Creative Loafing | more...
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  string(51) "A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year"
  ["tracker_field_description_raw"]=>
  string(51) "A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year"
  ["tracker_field_contentDate"]=>
  string(25) "2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00"
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage"]=>
  string(49) "Content:_:The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016)"
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_text"]=>
  string(26622) "People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR
Holy infant, so tender and coiled

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

Flexible space oddity

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "His movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold the driver on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, the driver became increasingly irate. He screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, the driver screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

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!!LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR
Chicken McNutty

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"The woman said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "She said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "She said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

Planting ahead

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

Eyes wide shut

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "The woman loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

Naked and afraid

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.

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!!DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR
Furry frenzy

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, the fast-food restaurant employees pointed to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

Chasin' Jason

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

Terminal meltdown

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.

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!!HOW TO STAY SINGLE
Flirting with disaster

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, her rear window was smashed. A knife was positioned on the kitchen table near the shattered window. "Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window," a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman's apartment. "A pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch," the cop observed. "She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home." The woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn't call police. "She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door, which read: 'I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.'" No suspects.

Wannabe groupie

A 30-year-old Stone Mountain woman refused to pay her tab at a Downtown hotel bar. A cop asked the woman why she wouldn't pay for her booze. The woman replied, "I am not paying because the Musically Incline Men are going to pay for my drinks."

The cop noted, "There were no Music Men, nor any men inside the bar at the time." According to the bartender, the woman did not come to the bar with any men or drink with any men while at bar. "She asked for a water, walked out, and then came back inside the bar for one Maker's Mark."

The woman went to jail, charged with failing to pay her $10.55 bar tab. Maybe she'll meet a cute musician in the slammer.

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!!PEOPLE STEAL WEIRD SHIT
Pilfering fame

In Glenwood Park, a 42-year-old woman said she parked her Porsche in a secure parking lot one night. The next morning, her front passenger window was shattered and "a placard award bearing her name was stolen" from the car. Nothing else was missing. The Blotter Diva wonders: How valuable is an award with someone else's name on it?

Twisted mister

A 46-year-old man walked into a big-box superstore with an unusual mission: to steal a Twister game, two packs of ground beef, and one package of turkey. He didn't get very far, though. Security guards tackled him. The man went to jail for allegedly shoplifting $35.62 worth of meat and the board game.

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!!MIND-ALTERING MISHAPS
Firestarter

A rowdy 38-year-old woman refused to leave a gas station/convenience store on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to a store clerk, the woman allegedly threatened to burn the gas pumps with a stick of incense that she just shoplifted. Given the potential fire hazard, the clerk called police.

The woman was still clutching a lit stick of incense when the officer arrived. And she smelled of booze. The cop noted, "On the transport ride to City Jail, the woman kept screaming and yelling cusswords at me"

At the jail, the woman apparently switched focus. The cop noted: "She urinated all over herself and the holding area and started yelling even louder about a Lotto ticket."

Bang your head

Police received a call about an inebriated man stumbling down the street in East Atlanta. When a cop found the tipsy guy, "he was head-butting the telephone pole" on Memorial Drive.

"He was talking to himself in heavily slurred words and the front of his pants were soaked in what was most likely his own urine," the cop noted. "The man said he had been drinking all day with 'some guy' and that I needed to go get his money back for him. All the man would talk about was that he went 'somewhere' with 'someone' and he passed out from drinking too much. When he woke up, he began to walk home and then noticed that he didn't have his money anymore."

The cop continued: "The entire time that I was talking to the man he was stumbling side to side and even fell over twice onto the sidewalk." The man, 54, went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct.

Stupid stoner

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. ... We entered the car, and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then, the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

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!!EROTIC ADVENTURES OF THE YEAR
Love of art

A man got amorous with outdoor statues outside the High Museum of Art. "Upon my arrival, I witnessed the suspect with his pants down and his genitals exposed, fondling a statue in front of the location," a cop noted. A security guard said that earlier, he caught the frisky fellow in the act of rubbing the statues and repeatedly asked the man to leave. Cops took the 21-year-old art lover to jail on a public indecency charge.

Don't be shy

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman spotted a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself" while she drove home on Walthall Street. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes," a cop noted. Another Edgewood man reported "strange noises." The man stepped outside his home and saw a naked couple fornicating on the sidewalk. Still groping, the hedonist duo got up, strolled over to a nearby vacant lot, and continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple — a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman — went to jail on public indecency charges.

Sidecar Sally

An officer responded to a dispute at an apartment in Midtown. "Upon my arrival, I was met at the door by a 36-year-old married woman, who appeared to be distraught and stated that her side piece (a.k.a. the man she is sleeping with) was upset because she asked him to leave her apartment and he grabbed her hair," the cop noted. "After grabbing her hair, he put his hand on her face, pushed it away. She ran downstairs and into her garage. Once in the garage, she locked herself in her car and used her husband's (who has been out of town this month) phone to call police."

The woman's "side piece" was still pissed, and his next move suggested their fling may be nearing an end. The cop noted, "He grabbed her house keys and threw them in the sewer and left her apartment to return home to see his girlfriend." The married woman requested a police report — even though she repeatedly said she wasn't hurt and declined an ambulance.

Touching faith

In the front yard of a large Midtown church, a 33-year-old naked man who was laying in the grass started to pleasure himself — during church services. Flustered, a church employee called authorities. Cops dragged the nude 33-year-old man from church grounds.

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!!NASTY NEIGHBORS OF THE YEAR
Brown trickle woes

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine" from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses.The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules, and claims the dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also alledgedly bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone. The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine"), and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report. Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

Walk the line

In Ansley Park, two lady neighbors had an epic showdown about the property line dividing their homes. The first neighbor, 47, called a surveyor to resolve the ongoing dispute. When the surveyor arrived, the second neighbor, 64, walked outside, yelled at the surveyor, and displayed "very irate and unstable behavior," a cop noted.

The second neighbor said she's "too nervous to go back home" so the cop agreed to meet her at a nearby gas station on Peachtree Street to hear her side of the story. The second neighbor's rant about the property line squabble "went on for almost an hour," the cop noted. "She is the primary issue in the dispute and is the problem."

Even though Halloween was long past, the second neighbor has "a Halloween decoration with a tombstone and some orange cones facing the front door of her neighbor's property," the cop observed. "This is an example of some of the small things that she is doing to harass her neighbor."

Smell the magic

On the Westside, police busted two young men for stealing a UPS package off their neighbor's porch. Police got a search warrant for the townhouse, where the two men, ages 17 and 20, were hiding. The mother attempted to persuade police that her boys weren't involved. "The mother makes this claim of her son's innocence due to him acknowledging the theft taking place, making mention of it via Facetime, and mentioning the stupidity of the criminal act," the cop noted. His virtual confession was all police needed.

Inside the UPS package, cops found a massive supply of "super-absorbent advanced odor control pads." The Blotter Diva wonders: Why would two young guys want a gazillion odor-control pads?

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!!ANIMAL INSTINCTS
Beefy brawl

A 20-year-old woman recently called police to her grandmother's house in Mechanicsville. "She advised me that several girls she didn't know but followed ... on Instagram had posted videos to Instagram," the cop noted. "The unknown females were outside a house she described as her grandmother's house and yelling for her to come out and squash some beef. She was not concise nor completely forthcoming about the situation that got her involved with the unknown females. She stated she only knew it had something to do with her grandmother being a lesbian."

The woman said one of the unknown females was armed with a knife. "At some point, glass broke, possibly due to a knife being thrown at the window, but the woman could not advise when it happened," the cop noted.

Meat man

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

Vegan thieves

Two men broke into a local discount meat shop through a hole in the roof. The men lowered themselves "through a whole (sic) caused from a previous burglary that had not been fixed," a cop noted. "After making entry, the males grabbed plastic plates and plastic cups and exited the location the same way they entered." The entire incident was captured on surveillance camera.

That's right: Two guys robbed a meat shop but only stole plastic cups and plates.

Special sauce included

A 64-year-old man was accused of swiping various forms of animal flesh at a Downtown grocery store. A cop noted, "I observed the male pulling a package of meat out of his pants."

The cop asked: What else you got in there? After a pause, the man "advised that he had the package of oxtails stuffed in his pants and an onion that he was going to pay for," the cop noted. "The package of oxtails was completely damaged from being stuffed down his pants."

The Blotter Diva wonders: How does a package of meat get "completely damaged" inside someone's pants? Wait. I don't want to know.

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!!BOYS IN BLUE
Just plain bold

A cop recently spotted a man having trouble on the sidewalk outside a nightclub in Midtown. "He was leaning on a parked car and sobbing," the cop noted. "I approached him and asked if he was OK, or if he needed an ambulance. He looked up at me and said, 'I would really like to slap you in the face right now.'"

"I was shocked by his response," the cop wrote. "I did not take him seriously, figuring him to be under the influence of some substance. Before I could determine the appropriate course of action, he swung his open hand and slapped me in the face."

Another cop working near the nightclub tackled the man. Police then handcuffed the man and removed him from the street. The man began to shout and curse during the arrest.

Apparently, the man lost his balance. "I stepped away and turned my back to use the radio and receive my case number from dispatch," the cop noted. "When I turned back around the man was laying on the ground, partially sitting up, with a fresh gash on his right eyebrow and some other scratches on his face."

Sweet patriotism

A very drunk man refused to leave an Atlantic Station candy store. "I just want to get some candy," the 25-year-old man hollered, adding that he did not have to leave because "this is America" and it was his first amendment right to say whatever he wanted to. He allegedly caused a ruckus and bothered other sweets-seeking customers. Management feared he was going to start a fight. A cop noted, "I asked the agitated man for his name and he refused to provide it. I asked the man if he was with anyone who could take care of him and he refused to answer ... His eyes were bloodshot and he was continuing to behave in an agitated manner."

Two cops had to physically escort the tipsy man outside and arrested him for disorderly conduct. "While waiting for transport, the man repeatedly attempted to insult the two cops by calling us 'batty boys' which is Jamaican slang for a homosexual male," the officer noted. The tipsy man "began to talk about the Freemasons and asked one officer if he was a Mason." He went to jail.

Hat can hope, Mr. Grammar

In Grant Park at the Zone 3 police precinct headquarters, an officer found a gray baseball cap in the "Morning Watch" office with a sticky note, which read: "Left in Patrol Car."

"The gray baseball hat has been sitting in the Morning Watch office for about two days," the cop wrote in his report. "The hat states, 'Original Chuck,' on the front. The hat was sitting in their office, hoping someone would recognize it and place it inside Police Property. However, no one came up and recognize it. I transported the gray baseball hat inside the Zone 3 precinct and place the baseball hat into Police Property." Hmm, the Blotter Diva did not know a hat could sit there, "hoping someone would recognize it." Very special hat!"
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(26859) "People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR
__Holy infant, so tender and coiled__

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

__Flexible space oddity__

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "[[The driver] had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked [[him] why he was so agitated. [[He] advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "[[His] movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold [[the driver] on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, [[the driver] became increasingly irate. [[He] screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, [[the driver] screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

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!!LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR
__Chicken McNutty__

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"[[The woman] said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "[[She] said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "[[She] said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

__Planting ahead__

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

__Eyes wide shut__

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "[[The woman] loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

__Naked and afraid__

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.

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!!DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR
__Furry frenzy__

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, [[the fast-food restaurant] employees [[pointed] to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

__Chasin' Jason__

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

__Terminal meltdown__

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.

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!!HOW TO STAY SINGLE
__Flirting with disaster__

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, her rear window was smashed. A knife was positioned on the kitchen table near the shattered window. "Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window," a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman's apartment. "A pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch," the cop observed. "She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home." The woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn't call police. "She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door, which read: 'I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.'" No suspects.

__Wannabe groupie__

A 30-year-old Stone Mountain woman refused to pay her tab at a Downtown hotel bar. A cop asked the woman why she wouldn't pay for her booze. The woman replied, "I am not paying because the Musically Incline Men are going to pay for my drinks."

The cop noted, "There were no Music Men, nor any men inside the bar at the time." According to the bartender, the woman did not come to the bar with any men or drink with any men while at bar. "She asked for a water, walked out, and then came back inside the bar for one Maker's Mark."

The woman went to jail, charged with failing to pay her $10.55 bar tab. Maybe she'll meet a cute musician in the slammer.

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!!PEOPLE STEAL WEIRD SHIT
__Pilfering fame__

In Glenwood Park, a 42-year-old woman said she parked her Porsche in a secure parking lot one night. The next morning, her front passenger window was shattered and "a placard award bearing her name was stolen" from the car. Nothing else was missing. The Blotter Diva wonders: How valuable is an award with someone else's name on it?

__Twisted mister__

A 46-year-old man walked into a big-box superstore with an unusual mission: to steal a Twister game, two packs of ground beef, and one package of turkey. He didn't get very far, though. Security guards tackled him. The man went to jail for allegedly shoplifting $35.62 worth of meat and the board game.

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!!MIND-ALTERING MISHAPS
__Firestarter__

A rowdy 38-year-old woman refused to leave a gas station/convenience store on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to a store clerk, the woman allegedly threatened to burn the gas pumps with a stick of incense that she just shoplifted. Given the potential fire hazard, the clerk called police.

The woman was still clutching a lit stick of incense when the officer arrived. And she smelled of booze. The cop noted, "On the transport ride to City Jail, [[the woman] kept screaming and yelling cusswords at me"

At the jail, the woman apparently switched focus. The cop noted: "She urinated all over herself and the holding area and started yelling even louder about a Lotto ticket."

__Bang your head__

Police received a call about an inebriated man stumbling down the street in East Atlanta. When a cop found the tipsy guy, "he was head-butting the telephone pole" on Memorial Drive.

"He was talking to himself in heavily slurred words and the front of his pants were soaked in what was most likely his own urine," the cop noted. "[[The man] said he had been drinking all day with 'some guy' and that I needed to go get his money back for him. All [[the man] would talk about was that he went 'somewhere' with 'someone' and he passed out from drinking too much. When he woke up, he began to walk home and then noticed that he didn't have his money anymore."

The cop continued: "The entire time that I was talking to [[the man] he was stumbling side to side and even fell over twice onto the sidewalk." The man, 54, went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct.

__Stupid stoner__

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. ... We entered the car, and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then, the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

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!!EROTIC ADVENTURES OF THE YEAR
__Love of art__

A man got amorous with outdoor statues outside the High Museum of Art. "Upon my arrival, I witnessed the suspect with his pants down and his genitals exposed, fondling a statue in front of the location," a cop noted. A security guard said that earlier, he caught the frisky fellow in the act of rubbing the statues and repeatedly asked the man to leave. Cops took the 21-year-old art lover to jail on a public indecency charge.

__Don't be shy__

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman spotted a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself" while she drove home on Walthall Street. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes," a cop noted. Another Edgewood man reported "strange noises." The man stepped outside his home and saw a naked couple fornicating on the sidewalk. Still groping, the hedonist duo got up, strolled over to a nearby vacant lot, and continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple — a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman — went to jail on public indecency charges.

__Sidecar Sally__

An officer responded to a dispute at an apartment in Midtown. "Upon my arrival, I was met at the door by [[a 36-year-old married woman], who appeared to be distraught and stated that her side piece (a.k.a. the man she is sleeping with) was upset because she asked him to leave her apartment [[and he] grabbed her hair," the cop noted. "After grabbing her hair, he put his hand on her face, pushed it away. She ran downstairs and into her garage. Once in the garage, she locked herself in her car and used her husband's (who has been out of town this month) phone to call police."

The woman's "side piece" was still pissed, and his next move suggested their fling may be nearing an end. The cop noted, "He grabbed her house keys and threw them in the sewer and left her apartment to return home to see his girlfriend." The married woman requested a police report — even though she repeatedly said she wasn't hurt and declined an ambulance.

__Touching faith__

In the front yard of a large Midtown church, a 33-year-old naked man who was laying in the grass started to pleasure himself — during church services. Flustered, a church employee called authorities. Cops dragged the nude 33-year-old man from church grounds.

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!!NASTY NEIGHBORS OF THE YEAR
__Brown trickle woes__

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine" from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses.The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules, and claims the dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also [[alledgedly] bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone. The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine"), and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report. Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

__Walk the line__

In Ansley Park, two lady neighbors had an epic showdown about the property line dividing their homes. The first neighbor, 47, called a surveyor to resolve the ongoing dispute. When the surveyor arrived, the second neighbor, 64, walked outside, yelled at the surveyor, and displayed "very irate and unstable behavior," a cop noted.

The second neighbor said she's "too nervous to go back home" so the cop agreed to meet her at a nearby gas station on Peachtree Street to hear her side of the story. The second neighbor's rant about the property line squabble "went on for almost an hour," the cop noted. "She is the primary issue in the dispute and is the problem."

Even though Halloween was long past, the second neighbor has "a Halloween decoration with a tombstone and some orange cones facing the front door of her neighbor's property," the cop observed. "This is an example of some of the small things that she is doing to harass her neighbor."

__Smell the magic__

On the Westside, police busted two young men for stealing a UPS package off their neighbor's porch. Police got a search warrant for the townhouse, where the two men, ages 17 and 20, were hiding. The mother attempted to persuade police that her boys weren't involved. "The mother makes this claim of her son's innocence due to him acknowledging the theft taking place, making mention of it via Facetime, and mentioning the stupidity of the criminal act," the cop noted. His virtual confession was all police needed.

Inside the UPS package, cops found a massive supply of "super-absorbent advanced odor control pads." The Blotter Diva wonders: Why would two young guys want a gazillion odor-control pads?

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!!ANIMAL INSTINCTS
__Beefy brawl__

A 20-year-old woman recently called police to her grandmother's house in Mechanicsville. "[[She] advised me that several girls she didn't know but followed ... on Instagram had posted videos to Instagram," the cop noted. "The unknown females were outside a house she described as her grandmother's house and yelling for her to come out and squash some beef. She was not concise nor completely forthcoming about the situation that got her involved with the unknown females. [[She] stated she only knew it had something to do with her grandmother being a lesbian."

The woman said one of the unknown females was armed with a knife. "At some point, glass broke, possibly due to a knife being thrown at the window, but [[the woman] could not advise when it happened," the cop noted.

__Meat man__

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

__Vegan thieves__

Two men broke into a local discount meat shop through a hole in the roof. The men lowered themselves "through a whole (sic) caused from a previous burglary that had not been fixed," a cop noted. "After making entry, the males grabbed plastic plates and plastic cups and exited the location the same way they entered." The entire incident was captured on surveillance camera.

That's right: Two guys robbed a meat shop but only stole plastic cups and plates.

__Special sauce included__

A 64-year-old man was accused of swiping various forms of animal flesh at a Downtown grocery store. A cop noted, "I observed the male pulling a package of meat out of his pants."

The cop asked: What else you got in there? After a pause, the man "advised that he had the package of oxtails stuffed in his pants and an onion that he was going to pay for," the cop noted. "The package of oxtails was completely damaged from being stuffed down [[his] pants."

The Blotter Diva wonders: How does a package of meat get "completely damaged" inside someone's pants? Wait. I don't want to know.

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!!BOYS IN BLUE
__Just plain bold__

A cop recently spotted a man having trouble on the sidewalk outside a nightclub in Midtown. "He was leaning on a parked car and sobbing," the cop noted. "I approached him and asked if he was OK, or if he needed an ambulance. He looked up at me and said, 'I would really like to slap you in the face right now.'"

"I was shocked by his response," the cop wrote. "[[I did not] take him seriously, figuring him to be under the influence of some substance. Before I could determine the appropriate course of action, he swung his open hand and slapped me in the face."

Another cop working near the nightclub tackled the man. Police then handcuffed the man and removed him from the street. The man began to shout and curse during the arrest.

Apparently, the man lost his balance. "I stepped away and turned my back to use the radio and receive my case number from dispatch," the cop noted. "When I turned back around [[the man] was laying on the ground, partially sitting up, with a fresh gash on his right eyebrow and some other scratches on his face."

__Sweet patriotism__

A very drunk man refused to leave an Atlantic Station candy store. "I just want to get some candy," the 25-year-old man hollered, adding that he did not have to leave because "this is America" and it was his first amendment right to say whatever he wanted to. He allegedly caused a ruckus and bothered other sweets-seeking customers. Management feared he was going to start a fight. A cop noted, "I asked [[the agitated man] for his name and he refused to provide it. I asked [[the man] if he was with anyone who could take care of him and he refused to answer ... [[His] eyes were bloodshot and he was continuing to behave in an agitated manner."

Two cops had to physically escort the tipsy man outside and arrested him for disorderly conduct. "While waiting for transport, [[the man] repeatedly attempted to insult [[the two cops] by calling us 'batty boys' which is Jamaican slang for a homosexual male," the officer noted. The tipsy man "began to talk about the Freemasons and asked one officer if he was a [[M]ason." He went to jail.

__Hat can hope, Mr. Grammar__

In Grant Park at the Zone 3 police precinct headquarters, an officer found a gray baseball cap in the "Morning Watch" office with a sticky note, which read: "Left in Patrol Car."

"The gray baseball hat has been sitting in the Morning Watch office for about two days," the cop wrote in his report. "The hat states, 'Original Chuck,' on the front. The hat was sitting in their office, hoping someone would recognize it and place it inside Police Property. However, no one came up and recognize it. I transported the gray baseball hat inside the Zone 3 precinct and place the baseball hat into Police Property." Hmm, the Blotter Diva did not know a hat could sit there, "hoping someone would recognize it." Very special hat!"
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  string(27007) "    A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year   2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016) ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00  People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR
Holy infant, so tender and coiled

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

Flexible space oddity

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "His movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold the driver on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, the driver became increasingly irate. He screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, the driver screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

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!!LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR
Chicken McNutty

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"The woman said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "She said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "She said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

Planting ahead

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

Eyes wide shut

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "The woman loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

Naked and afraid

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.

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---
?image-2??
!!DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR
Furry frenzy

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, the fast-food restaurant employees pointed to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

Chasin' Jason

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

Terminal meltdown

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.

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---
?page?image-4??
!!HOW TO STAY SINGLE
Flirting with disaster

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, her rear window was smashed. A knife was positioned on the kitchen table near the shattered window. "Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window," a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman's apartment. "A pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch," the cop observed. "She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home." The woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn't call police. "She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door, which read: 'I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.'" No suspects.

Wannabe groupie

A 30-year-old Stone Mountain woman refused to pay her tab at a Downtown hotel bar. A cop asked the woman why she wouldn't pay for her booze. The woman replied, "I am not paying because the Musically Incline Men are going to pay for my drinks."

The cop noted, "There were no Music Men, nor any men inside the bar at the time." According to the bartender, the woman did not come to the bar with any men or drink with any men while at bar. "She asked for a water, walked out, and then came back inside the bar for one Maker's Mark."

The woman went to jail, charged with failing to pay her $10.55 bar tab. Maybe she'll meet a cute musician in the slammer.

??
---
??
!!PEOPLE STEAL WEIRD SHIT
Pilfering fame

In Glenwood Park, a 42-year-old woman said she parked her Porsche in a secure parking lot one night. The next morning, her front passenger window was shattered and "a placard award bearing her name was stolen" from the car. Nothing else was missing. The Blotter Diva wonders: How valuable is an award with someone else's name on it?

Twisted mister

A 46-year-old man walked into a big-box superstore with an unusual mission: to steal a Twister game, two packs of ground beef, and one package of turkey. He didn't get very far, though. Security guards tackled him. The man went to jail for allegedly shoplifting $35.62 worth of meat and the board game.

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?image-1??
!!MIND-ALTERING MISHAPS
Firestarter

A rowdy 38-year-old woman refused to leave a gas station/convenience store on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to a store clerk, the woman allegedly threatened to burn the gas pumps with a stick of incense that she just shoplifted. Given the potential fire hazard, the clerk called police.

The woman was still clutching a lit stick of incense when the officer arrived. And she smelled of booze. The cop noted, "On the transport ride to City Jail, the woman kept screaming and yelling cusswords at me"

At the jail, the woman apparently switched focus. The cop noted: "She urinated all over herself and the holding area and started yelling even louder about a Lotto ticket."

Bang your head

Police received a call about an inebriated man stumbling down the street in East Atlanta. When a cop found the tipsy guy, "he was head-butting the telephone pole" on Memorial Drive.

"He was talking to himself in heavily slurred words and the front of his pants were soaked in what was most likely his own urine," the cop noted. "The man said he had been drinking all day with 'some guy' and that I needed to go get his money back for him. All the man would talk about was that he went 'somewhere' with 'someone' and he passed out from drinking too much. When he woke up, he began to walk home and then noticed that he didn't have his money anymore."

The cop continued: "The entire time that I was talking to the man he was stumbling side to side and even fell over twice onto the sidewalk." The man, 54, went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct.

Stupid stoner

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. ... We entered the car, and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then, the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

??
---
??
!!EROTIC ADVENTURES OF THE YEAR
Love of art

A man got amorous with outdoor statues outside the High Museum of Art. "Upon my arrival, I witnessed the suspect with his pants down and his genitals exposed, fondling a statue in front of the location," a cop noted. A security guard said that earlier, he caught the frisky fellow in the act of rubbing the statues and repeatedly asked the man to leave. Cops took the 21-year-old art lover to jail on a public indecency charge.

Don't be shy

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman spotted a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself" while she drove home on Walthall Street. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes," a cop noted. Another Edgewood man reported "strange noises." The man stepped outside his home and saw a naked couple fornicating on the sidewalk. Still groping, the hedonist duo got up, strolled over to a nearby vacant lot, and continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple — a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman — went to jail on public indecency charges.

Sidecar Sally

An officer responded to a dispute at an apartment in Midtown. "Upon my arrival, I was met at the door by a 36-year-old married woman, who appeared to be distraught and stated that her side piece (a.k.a. the man she is sleeping with) was upset because she asked him to leave her apartment and he grabbed her hair," the cop noted. "After grabbing her hair, he put his hand on her face, pushed it away. She ran downstairs and into her garage. Once in the garage, she locked herself in her car and used her husband's (who has been out of town this month) phone to call police."

The woman's "side piece" was still pissed, and his next move suggested their fling may be nearing an end. The cop noted, "He grabbed her house keys and threw them in the sewer and left her apartment to return home to see his girlfriend." The married woman requested a police report — even though she repeatedly said she wasn't hurt and declined an ambulance.

Touching faith

In the front yard of a large Midtown church, a 33-year-old naked man who was laying in the grass started to pleasure himself — during church services. Flustered, a church employee called authorities. Cops dragged the nude 33-year-old man from church grounds.

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?image-5??
!!NASTY NEIGHBORS OF THE YEAR
Brown trickle woes

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine" from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses.The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules, and claims the dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also alledgedly bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone. The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine"), and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report. Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

Walk the line

In Ansley Park, two lady neighbors had an epic showdown about the property line dividing their homes. The first neighbor, 47, called a surveyor to resolve the ongoing dispute. When the surveyor arrived, the second neighbor, 64, walked outside, yelled at the surveyor, and displayed "very irate and unstable behavior," a cop noted.

The second neighbor said she's "too nervous to go back home" so the cop agreed to meet her at a nearby gas station on Peachtree Street to hear her side of the story. The second neighbor's rant about the property line squabble "went on for almost an hour," the cop noted. "She is the primary issue in the dispute and is the problem."

Even though Halloween was long past, the second neighbor has "a Halloween decoration with a tombstone and some orange cones facing the front door of her neighbor's property," the cop observed. "This is an example of some of the small things that she is doing to harass her neighbor."

Smell the magic

On the Westside, police busted two young men for stealing a UPS package off their neighbor's porch. Police got a search warrant for the townhouse, where the two men, ages 17 and 20, were hiding. The mother attempted to persuade police that her boys weren't involved. "The mother makes this claim of her son's innocence due to him acknowledging the theft taking place, making mention of it via Facetime, and mentioning the stupidity of the criminal act," the cop noted. His virtual confession was all police needed.

Inside the UPS package, cops found a massive supply of "super-absorbent advanced odor control pads." The Blotter Diva wonders: Why would two young guys want a gazillion odor-control pads?

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---
??
!!ANIMAL INSTINCTS
Beefy brawl

A 20-year-old woman recently called police to her grandmother's house in Mechanicsville. "She advised me that several girls she didn't know but followed ... on Instagram had posted videos to Instagram," the cop noted. "The unknown females were outside a house she described as her grandmother's house and yelling for her to come out and squash some beef. She was not concise nor completely forthcoming about the situation that got her involved with the unknown females. She stated she only knew it had something to do with her grandmother being a lesbian."

The woman said one of the unknown females was armed with a knife. "At some point, glass broke, possibly due to a knife being thrown at the window, but the woman could not advise when it happened," the cop noted.

Meat man

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

Vegan thieves

Two men broke into a local discount meat shop through a hole in the roof. The men lowered themselves "through a whole (sic) caused from a previous burglary that had not been fixed," a cop noted. "After making entry, the males grabbed plastic plates and plastic cups and exited the location the same way they entered." The entire incident was captured on surveillance camera.

That's right: Two guys robbed a meat shop but only stole plastic cups and plates.

Special sauce included

A 64-year-old man was accused of swiping various forms of animal flesh at a Downtown grocery store. A cop noted, "I observed the male pulling a package of meat out of his pants."

The cop asked: What else you got in there? After a pause, the man "advised that he had the package of oxtails stuffed in his pants and an onion that he was going to pay for," the cop noted. "The package of oxtails was completely damaged from being stuffed down his pants."

The Blotter Diva wonders: How does a package of meat get "completely damaged" inside someone's pants? Wait. I don't want to know.

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---
??
!!BOYS IN BLUE
Just plain bold

A cop recently spotted a man having trouble on the sidewalk outside a nightclub in Midtown. "He was leaning on a parked car and sobbing," the cop noted. "I approached him and asked if he was OK, or if he needed an ambulance. He looked up at me and said, 'I would really like to slap you in the face right now.'"

"I was shocked by his response," the cop wrote. "I did not take him seriously, figuring him to be under the influence of some substance. Before I could determine the appropriate course of action, he swung his open hand and slapped me in the face."

Another cop working near the nightclub tackled the man. Police then handcuffed the man and removed him from the street. The man began to shout and curse during the arrest.

Apparently, the man lost his balance. "I stepped away and turned my back to use the radio and receive my case number from dispatch," the cop noted. "When I turned back around the man was laying on the ground, partially sitting up, with a fresh gash on his right eyebrow and some other scratches on his face."

Sweet patriotism

A very drunk man refused to leave an Atlantic Station candy store. "I just want to get some candy," the 25-year-old man hollered, adding that he did not have to leave because "this is America" and it was his first amendment right to say whatever he wanted to. He allegedly caused a ruckus and bothered other sweets-seeking customers. Management feared he was going to start a fight. A cop noted, "I asked the agitated man for his name and he refused to provide it. I asked the man if he was with anyone who could take care of him and he refused to answer ... His eyes were bloodshot and he was continuing to behave in an agitated manner."

Two cops had to physically escort the tipsy man outside and arrested him for disorderly conduct. "While waiting for transport, the man repeatedly attempted to insult the two cops by calling us 'batty boys' which is Jamaican slang for a homosexual male," the officer noted. The tipsy man "began to talk about the Freemasons and asked one officer if he was a Mason." He went to jail.

Hat can hope, Mr. Grammar

In Grant Park at the Zone 3 police precinct headquarters, an officer found a gray baseball cap in the "Morning Watch" office with a sticky note, which read: "Left in Patrol Car."

"The gray baseball hat has been sitting in the Morning Watch office for about two days," the cop wrote in his report. "The hat states, 'Original Chuck,' on the front. The hat was sitting in their office, hoping someone would recognize it and place it inside Police Property. However, no one came up and recognize it. I transported the gray baseball hat inside the Zone 3 precinct and place the baseball hat into Police Property." Hmm, the Blotter Diva did not know a hat could sit there, "hoping someone would recognize it." Very special hat!             13087879 17443805        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/07/0a4440_cover_blotter3_3_12.png                  The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016) "
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Article

Thursday July 14, 2016 04:00 am EDT
A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year | more...
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  string(29) "The Blotter: Laced too tight?"
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  string(14) "Lauren Keating"
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  string(4081) "A 33-year-old man wearing a corset and stockings strolled into a Midtown grocery store, selected a single red apple, and then stood in line to pay for his fruit. Another customer reportedly asked the man to cover up. Outraged, the man unleashed some choice words and was asked to leave the store. The man said he would calm down. His calm reprieve didn't last long, though. Suddenly, the man started randomly cursing at various customers. "Fuck y'all," he said. "I got money, motherfuckers, you just want me locked up." A cop carted the corset-wearing man to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

No photo finish

In West End, police noticed a man spray-painting a wall on Murphy Avenue and warned him it was illegal to spray-paint private property. During the chat, a boozy woman walked up to the group carrying a Yuengling beer can. The woman snatched the paint and began spray-painting the letters "B" and "U" on a wall in front of the officers. The boozy woman laughed hysterically while cops handcuffed her and then gave the officers a fake name. The woman then apologized for being drunk and acting like — her words — an "ass clown."

"While in custody, the woman asked if I could take pictures of her and text them to her so she could have them for a good story on her social media," a cop noted. The cop refused to indulge her photo-in-handcuffs request. The woman, 41, seemed disappointed. Perhaps her mug shot will suffice.

Condiment uprising

In Southeast Atlanta, a 30-year-old woman returned home to grab things she needed while relocating from her old apartment. Once inside, she discovered a massive mess. "The kitchen had butter smeared all over the walls, ketchup sprayed all over the floor, powdered cocoa poured all over her baby's clothes on the floor, and seasoning spread throughout the kitchen," a cop noted. "The master bedroom upstairs had seasoning poured all over the dresser and the mirror."

The woman's kitchen door was shattered and wide open, and her once-full refrigerator was completely empty. Who led the condiment revolt? The woman said she doesn't have any obvious enemies or spurned lovers seeking revenge.

Metadata meltdown

A man freaked out inside his apartment near East Point and refused to let medics touch him. The man "was angry and accusing AT&T, Comcast and Grady medics of working with the federal government to experiment on him and cut him off," a cop noted.

"You better make them leave!" the man hollered, pointing at the medics.

"Are you threatening them?" the cop asked. "What are you going to do?"

There was a long pause. Eventually, the man said he'd just go back to his apartment and lock the door.

Next, the man requested a police background check to see if anything would bar him from buying a gun. "He did not come back with any warrants but is listed as Denial for a driver's license," the cop noted.

The man's paranoia surged. "He said he didn't feel safe and stated that he paid $8,000 for a phone bill because the federal government was messing with his email," the cop noted. "He said they shut off his internet data, but his data was on while on scene. He states that's because I was there, implying that the federal government or AT&T turned it on for him."

The man's desire for a gun and his "clear paranoia" were very alarming, the cop noted. "He states that Comcast trucks, AT&T trucks and the federal government keep coming by his house and that his neighbors are spying on him and taking peeks at him." Still, paranoia is not illegal. Since he refused medical help, cops left the man, 43, to freak out at home.

Random regrets

A 42-year-old man found a bizarre letter with a dog photo on his front porch in Midtown. "The person was making an apology for their behavior," a cop noted. "They explained that their dog was killed by unknown means about eight months ago." The letter was signed, but the man didn't recognize the writer's name. No suspects.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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  string(4098) "A 33-year-old man wearing a corset and stockings strolled into a Midtown grocery store, selected a single red apple, and then stood in line to pay for his fruit. Another customer reportedly asked the man to cover up. Outraged, the man unleashed some choice words and was asked to leave the store. The man said he would calm down. His calm reprieve didn't last long, though. Suddenly, the man started randomly cursing at various customers. "Fuck y'all," he said. "I got money, motherfuckers, you just want me locked up." A cop carted the corset-wearing man to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

__No photo finish__

In West End, police noticed a man spray-painting a wall on Murphy Avenue and warned him it was illegal to spray-paint private property. During the chat, a boozy woman walked up to the group carrying a Yuengling beer can. The woman snatched the paint and began spray-painting the letters "B" and "U" on a wall in front of the officers. The boozy woman laughed hysterically while cops handcuffed her and then gave the officers a fake name. The woman then apologized for being drunk and acting like — her words — an "ass clown."

"While in custody, [[the woman] asked if I could take pictures of her and text them to her so she could have them for a good story on her social media," a cop noted. The cop refused to indulge her photo-in-handcuffs request. The woman, 41, seemed disappointed. Perhaps her mug shot will suffice.

__Condiment uprising__

In Southeast Atlanta, a 30-year-old woman returned home to grab things she needed while relocating from her old apartment. Once inside, she discovered a massive mess. "The kitchen had butter smeared all over the walls, ketchup sprayed all over the floor, powdered [[cocoa] poured all over her baby's clothes on the floor, and seasoning spread throughout the kitchen," a cop noted. "The master bedroom upstairs had seasoning poured all over the dresser and the mirror."

The woman's kitchen door was shattered and wide open, and her once-full refrigerator was completely empty. Who led the condiment revolt? The woman said she doesn't have any obvious enemies or spurned lovers seeking revenge.

__Metadata meltdown__

A man freaked out inside his apartment near East Point and refused to let medics touch him. The man "was angry and accusing AT&T, Comcast and Grady medics of working with the federal government to experiment on him and cut him off," a cop noted.

"You better make them leave!" the man hollered, pointing at the medics.

"Are you threatening them?" the cop asked. "What are you going to do?"

There was a long pause. Eventually, the man said he'd just go back to his apartment and lock the door.

Next, the man requested a police background check to see if anything would bar him from buying a gun. "He did not come back with any warrants but is listed as Denial for a driver's license," the cop noted.

The man's paranoia surged. "He said he didn't feel safe and stated that he paid $8,000 for a phone bill because the federal government was messing with his email," the cop noted. "He said they shut off his [[internet] data, but his data was on while on scene. He states that's because I was there, implying that the federal government or AT&T turned it on for him."

The man's desire for a gun and his "clear paranoia" were very alarming, the cop noted. "He states that Comcast trucks, AT&T trucks and the federal government keep coming by his house and that his neighbors are spying on him and taking peeks at him." Still, paranoia is not illegal. Since he refused medical help, cops left the man, 43, to freak out at home.

__Random regrets__

A 42-year-old man found a bizarre letter with a dog photo on his front porch in Midtown. "The person was making an apology for their behavior," a cop noted. "They explained that their dog was killed by unknown means about eight months ago." The letter was signed, but the man didn't recognize the writer's name. No suspects.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(4359) "       2016-07-07T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Laced too tight?   Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-07-07T08:00:00+00:00  A 33-year-old man wearing a corset and stockings strolled into a Midtown grocery store, selected a single red apple, and then stood in line to pay for his fruit. Another customer reportedly asked the man to cover up. Outraged, the man unleashed some choice words and was asked to leave the store. The man said he would calm down. His calm reprieve didn't last long, though. Suddenly, the man started randomly cursing at various customers. "Fuck y'all," he said. "I got money, motherfuckers, you just want me locked up." A cop carted the corset-wearing man to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

No photo finish

In West End, police noticed a man spray-painting a wall on Murphy Avenue and warned him it was illegal to spray-paint private property. During the chat, a boozy woman walked up to the group carrying a Yuengling beer can. The woman snatched the paint and began spray-painting the letters "B" and "U" on a wall in front of the officers. The boozy woman laughed hysterically while cops handcuffed her and then gave the officers a fake name. The woman then apologized for being drunk and acting like — her words — an "ass clown."

"While in custody, the woman asked if I could take pictures of her and text them to her so she could have them for a good story on her social media," a cop noted. The cop refused to indulge her photo-in-handcuffs request. The woman, 41, seemed disappointed. Perhaps her mug shot will suffice.

Condiment uprising

In Southeast Atlanta, a 30-year-old woman returned home to grab things she needed while relocating from her old apartment. Once inside, she discovered a massive mess. "The kitchen had butter smeared all over the walls, ketchup sprayed all over the floor, powdered cocoa poured all over her baby's clothes on the floor, and seasoning spread throughout the kitchen," a cop noted. "The master bedroom upstairs had seasoning poured all over the dresser and the mirror."

The woman's kitchen door was shattered and wide open, and her once-full refrigerator was completely empty. Who led the condiment revolt? The woman said she doesn't have any obvious enemies or spurned lovers seeking revenge.

Metadata meltdown

A man freaked out inside his apartment near East Point and refused to let medics touch him. The man "was angry and accusing AT&T, Comcast and Grady medics of working with the federal government to experiment on him and cut him off," a cop noted.

"You better make them leave!" the man hollered, pointing at the medics.

"Are you threatening them?" the cop asked. "What are you going to do?"

There was a long pause. Eventually, the man said he'd just go back to his apartment and lock the door.

Next, the man requested a police background check to see if anything would bar him from buying a gun. "He did not come back with any warrants but is listed as Denial for a driver's license," the cop noted.

The man's paranoia surged. "He said he didn't feel safe and stated that he paid $8,000 for a phone bill because the federal government was messing with his email," the cop noted. "He said they shut off his internet data, but his data was on while on scene. He states that's because I was there, implying that the federal government or AT&T turned it on for him."

The man's desire for a gun and his "clear paranoia" were very alarming, the cop noted. "He states that Comcast trucks, AT&T trucks and the federal government keep coming by his house and that his neighbors are spying on him and taking peeks at him." Still, paranoia is not illegal. Since he refused medical help, cops left the man, 43, to freak out at home.

Random regrets

A 42-year-old man found a bizarre letter with a dog photo on his front porch in Midtown. "The person was making an apology for their behavior," a cop noted. "They explained that their dog was killed by unknown means about eight months ago." The letter was signed, but the man didn't recognize the writer's name. No suspects.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087801 17391220        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/07/095e6d_news_blotter1_1_11new.png                  The Blotter: Laced too tight? "
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Article

Thursday July 7, 2016 04:00 am EDT
A 33-year-old man wearing a corset and stockings strolled into a Midtown grocery store, selected a single red apple, and then stood in line to pay for his fruit. Another customer reportedly asked the man to cover up. Outraged, the man unleashed some choice words and was asked to leave the store. The man said he would calm down. His calm reprieve didn't last long, though. Suddenly, the man... | more...
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  string(4672) "A 24-year-old man and his friend requested an Uber driver pick them up at a gay club in Midtown to take them home. During the ride, the 24-year-old jokingly told the Uber driver he was really cute. According to the police report, the driver told the man to "shut the fuck up," and alledgedly pulled out a gun and aimed it at the 24-year-old.

The 24-year-old remained quiet for the rest of the trip. When they arrived at his apartment, the two men got out of the car. The armed Uber driver reportedly exited his car and proceeded to follow the two men until they went inside the apartment. The 24-year-old told police he called Uber and was advised to get a police report.

Stupid stoner

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. I thought everything was cool because Ace and I used to be friends. We entered the car and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

Slippery hot summer fun

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman was driving home on Walthall Street when she saw a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself," a cop noted. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes."

Another Edgewood man reported hearing "strange noises." The man said he stepped outside his home and saw a man and woman fornicating on the sidewalk. The frisky couple then went to a nearby vacant lot where they continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple (a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman) went to jail on public indecency charges.

Idiot move of the week

A 63-year-old man crawled onto the roof of an East Atlanta pharmacy, busted open an air-conditioning unit to create a hole, and shimmied down a duct pipe into the pharmacy. The man filled up his black backpack with drugs and then took off down Haas Avenue, dropping drugs and pills as he walked.

Next, the man reportedly tried to break into a home — still carrying the backpack filled with stolen drugs. Police followed the trail of pills down Haas Avenue and nabbed him. So, did the man take any drugs worth all that trouble? Nope. He tried to swipe 100 nasal decongestant tablets, a pint of codeine, and some naproxen pain reliever.

So close, yet so far away

On Glenwood Place in East Atlanta, a man called police about a prowler on his back porch around midnight. Upon closer examination, the man realized he knew the prowler: It was his 27-year-old next-door neighbor, who appeared quite drunk. "He was unable to stand or walk back to his home," a cop noted. "In addition the male neighbor felt that he was already at his home, but was actually at his neighbor's home when I encountered him." The male neighbor was sweating profusely and trying to take off his clothes. "It appeared that the neighbor was possibly on drugs," the cop noted. "He kept speaking in a demonic voice, which I was unable to understand."

The man who called police did not want to press charges against his neighbor. Cops charged the neighbor with disorderly conduct under the influence, anyway. Medics arrived to treat the neighbor, who had to be strapped to a gurney.

No frisky, no peace

On the Westside, a 48-year-old man told police that at around 4 a.m. he was tired and ready for bed, but his female friend wanted to have sex. The man refused and proceeded to turn off the lights to go to bed. His female friend pouted and then stormed off. Next, the man heard a door slam and the sound of glass shattering. He got out of bed and went outside to find his Dodge Magnum's front windshield completely crushed. The man told police he's willing to do anything to prosecute his female friend — but he doesn't know her last name.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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  string(4702) "A 24-year-old man and his friend requested an Uber driver pick them up at a gay club in Midtown to take them home. During the ride, the 24-year-old jokingly told the Uber driver he was really cute. According to the police report, the driver told the man to "shut the fuck up," and alledgedly pulled out a gun and aimed it at the 24-year-old.

The 24-year-old remained quiet for the rest of the trip. When they arrived at his apartment, the two men got out of the car. The armed Uber driver reportedly exited his car and proceeded to follow the two men until they went inside the apartment. The 24-year-old told police he called Uber and was advised to get a police report.

__Stupid stoner__

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. I thought everything was cool because Ace and I used to be friends. We entered the car and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

__Slippery hot summer fun__

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman was driving home on Walthall Street when she saw a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself," a cop noted. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes."

Another Edgewood man reported hearing "strange noises." The man said he stepped outside his home and saw a man and woman fornicating on the sidewalk. The frisky couple then went to a nearby vacant lot where they continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple (a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman) went to jail on public indecency charges.

__Idiot move of the week__

A 63-year-old man crawled onto the roof of an East Atlanta pharmacy, busted open an air-conditioning unit to create a hole, and shimmied down a duct pipe into the pharmacy. The man filled up his black backpack with drugs and then took off down Haas Avenue, dropping drugs and pills as he walked.

Next, the man reportedly tried to break into a home — still carrying the backpack filled with stolen drugs. Police followed the trail of pills down Haas Avenue and nabbed him. So, did the man take any drugs worth all that trouble? Nope. He tried to swipe 100 nasal decongestant tablets, a pint of codeine, and some naproxen pain reliever.

__So close, yet so far away__

On Glenwood Place in East Atlanta, a man called police about a prowler on his back porch around midnight. Upon closer examination, the man realized he knew the prowler: It was his 27-year-old next-door neighbor, who appeared quite drunk. "He was unable to stand or walk back to his home," a cop noted. "In addition [[the male neighbor] felt that he was already at his home, but was actually at his neighbor's home when I encountered him." The male neighbor was sweating profusely and trying to take off his clothes. "It appeared that [[the neighbor] was possibly on drugs," the cop noted. "He kept speaking in a demonic voice, which I was unable to understand."

The man who called police did not want to press charges against his neighbor. Cops charged the neighbor with disorderly conduct under the influence, anyway. Medics arrived to treat the neighbor, who had to be strapped to a gurney.

__No frisky, no peace__

On the Westside, a 48-year-old man told police that at around 4 a.m. he was tired and ready for bed, but his female friend wanted to have sex. The man refused and proceeded to turn off the lights to go to bed. His female friend pouted and then stormed off. Next, the man heard a door slam and the sound of glass shattering. He got out of bed and went outside to find his Dodge Magnum's front windshield completely crushed. The man told police he's willing to do anything to prosecute his female friend — but he doesn't know her last name.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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Stupid stoner

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Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

Slippery hot summer fun

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman was driving home on Walthall Street when she saw a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself," a cop noted. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes."

Another Edgewood man reported hearing "strange noises." The man said he stepped outside his home and saw a man and woman fornicating on the sidewalk. The frisky couple then went to a nearby vacant lot where they continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple (a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman) went to jail on public indecency charges.

Idiot move of the week

A 63-year-old man crawled onto the roof of an East Atlanta pharmacy, busted open an air-conditioning unit to create a hole, and shimmied down a duct pipe into the pharmacy. The man filled up his black backpack with drugs and then took off down Haas Avenue, dropping drugs and pills as he walked.

Next, the man reportedly tried to break into a home — still carrying the backpack filled with stolen drugs. Police followed the trail of pills down Haas Avenue and nabbed him. So, did the man take any drugs worth all that trouble? Nope. He tried to swipe 100 nasal decongestant tablets, a pint of codeine, and some naproxen pain reliever.

So close, yet so far away

On Glenwood Place in East Atlanta, a man called police about a prowler on his back porch around midnight. Upon closer examination, the man realized he knew the prowler: It was his 27-year-old next-door neighbor, who appeared quite drunk. "He was unable to stand or walk back to his home," a cop noted. "In addition the male neighbor felt that he was already at his home, but was actually at his neighbor's home when I encountered him." The male neighbor was sweating profusely and trying to take off his clothes. "It appeared that the neighbor was possibly on drugs," the cop noted. "He kept speaking in a demonic voice, which I was unable to understand."

The man who called police did not want to press charges against his neighbor. Cops charged the neighbor with disorderly conduct under the influence, anyway. Medics arrived to treat the neighbor, who had to be strapped to a gurney.

No frisky, no peace

On the Westside, a 48-year-old man told police that at around 4 a.m. he was tired and ready for bed, but his female friend wanted to have sex. The man refused and proceeded to turn off the lights to go to bed. His female friend pouted and then stormed off. Next, the man heard a door slam and the sound of glass shattering. He got out of bed and went outside to find his Dodge Magnum's front windshield completely crushed. The man told police he's willing to do anything to prosecute his female friend — but he doesn't know her last name.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087757 17355579        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/06/08d333_news_blotter1_1_10.png                  The Blotter: Compliment conundrum "
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Article

Thursday June 30, 2016 04:00 am EDT

A 24-year-old man and his friend requested an Uber driver pick them up at a gay club in Midtown to take them home. During the ride, the 24-year-old jokingly told the Uber driver he was really cute. According to the police report, the driver told the man to "shut the fuck up," and alledgedly pulled out a gun and aimed it at the 24-year-old.

The 24-year-old remained quiet for the rest of the...

| more...
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  string(5040) "A 21-year-old female clerk recently had a rough day at a Little Five Points boutique. A woman with one leg reportedly barged into the boutique and got in the clerk's face. At one point, the one-legged woman left the boutique and started yelling at the clerk through the store window. The woman eventually stormed back into the boutique and knocked accessories off the counter and reportedly punched the clerk's face.

"After being escorted out, the woman with one leg then kicked the door and even spit on it," a cop noted in the police report. It's not clear how a woman with one leg kicked the boutique door. When police arrived, the one-legged woman suddenly disappeared.

Swimming pool blues

A blonde woman in her 40s swiped an Atlanta police officer's keys while she was poolside at a Midtown apartment complex. The officer was not on duty at the time. Apparently, he was lounging poolside as well. The officer called an on-duty cop to the pool to help retrieve his keys. They went to the woman's apartment and heard loud music booming from inside. After the officers knocked on the door there was a long pause.

A cop recalled: "The door swung open and a blonde female with dark glasses answered the door saying, 'You need to chill out and not knock on my door like that.'"

The first cop told the woman she was under arrest for stealing the officer's keys. The woman replied, "Wait, I am not under arrest. I have your keys, serves you right." The woman ran to her purse, grabbed the keys, and hurled them toward the second cop. "I caught the keys and confirmed with the first cop that they were his; he said they were." The woman resisted arrest.

"To take control of the situation, the first cop pinned the woman to the wall, and I held her in place," the second cop recalled. "The woman admitted taking the keys to prove a point to the first cop, whom she felt was being rude to her friend earlier that day. She advised that she did take his keys from the pool area and was going to keep them for a while before she returned them. The woman also advised she knows it was wrong and apologized."

No clue what the first cop alledgedly said to the blonde woman's friend that she considered rude enough to go to jail over.

Ball of confusion

The female owner of an insurance business on the Westside was assisting customers when a young boy threw a basketball up against her glass window by accident. The woman went outside and asked the boy to move his game down the street. The child agreed to move elsewhere. Suddenly, a random grown woman (not the boy's mother) snatched the ball from the child, hurled the ball violently at the glass, and said, "Bitch, what you going to do now?" Then the random woman rushed forward and alledgedly punched the insurance woman's face while two security guards looked on.

The insurance woman called police. Two cops arrived but the woman said nothing was done because the two cops said they had a shooting to go to.

Road trip snafu

Two females in their 20s recently drove from Columbus, Georgia, to the West End. They told police they became tired and decided to park near a barbershop, where they fell asleep in the car. The older woman, 24, said her car was perfectly fine before their impromptu nap. Post-nap, however, the women discovered the car was severely damaged. Neither woman knew how the car became damaged while they slept.

"The 24-year-old said they were hard sleepers and did not hear anything," a cop noted. The younger woman, 20, reportedly kept yelling louder and louder and resisted arrest. The older woman saw her friend imploding and suddenly changed her story: Her friend was driving the car and must have caused the damage. Cops didn't buy it. The older woman alledgedly became furious when cops said they couldn't do a damaged car report on damage that likely occurred long before the car arrived in Atlanta. Outraged, both women went to jail and were charged with obstructing police.

Good guys rule

A Grant Park man was asleep when someone started knocking on his front door at 2 a.m. The man, 37, looked out his window and saw a 24-year-old woman pounding on his door. He'd never met the woman before. He opened the door and tried to speak to the woman but she didn't respond. A cop later noted, "The man advised me that he let her in because he did not want the 24-year-old woman to get taken advantage of because she appeared to be intoxicated." The man allowed the woozy woman to sit on his sofa and she promptly fell asleep, so he called 911 to get help.

When a cop arrived, the woman was "passed out on the man's sofa" and had "vomited all over herself." The cop tried to wake the woman, but she kept snoozing. The cop had to call backup units to rouse her. Finally, the woman opened her eyes. The cop asked, "Where are you right now?" The woman replied, "Valdosta State University — just coming from a party." No injuries.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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  string(5090) "A 21-year-old female clerk recently had a rough day at a Little Five Points boutique. A woman with one leg reportedly barged into the boutique and got in the clerk's face. At one point, the one-legged woman left the boutique and started yelling at the clerk through the store window. The woman eventually stormed back into the boutique and knocked accessories off the counter and reportedly punched the clerk's face.

"After being escorted out, [[the woman with one leg] then kicked the door and even spit on it," a cop noted in the police report. It's not clear how a woman with one leg kicked the boutique door. When police arrived, the one-legged woman suddenly disappeared.

__Swimming pool blues__

A blonde woman in her 40s swiped an Atlanta police officer's keys while she was poolside at a Midtown apartment complex. The officer was not on duty at the time. Apparently, he was lounging poolside as well. The officer called an on-duty cop to the pool to help retrieve his keys. They went to the woman's apartment and heard loud music booming from inside. After the officers knocked on the door there was a long pause.

A cop recalled: "The door swung open and a blonde female with dark glasses answered the door saying, 'You need to chill out and not knock on my door like that.'"

The first cop told the woman she was under arrest for stealing the officer's keys. The woman replied, "Wait, I am not under arrest. I have your keys, serves you right." The woman ran to her purse, grabbed the keys, and hurled them toward the second cop. "I caught the keys and confirmed with [[the first cop] that they were his; he said they were." The woman resisted arrest.

"To take control of the situation, [[the first cop] pinned [[the woman] to the wall, and I held [[her] in place," the second cop recalled. "[[The woman] admitted taking the keys to prove a point to the first cop, whom she felt was being rude to her friend earlier that day. She advised that she did take his keys from the pool area and was going to keep them for a while before she returned them. [[The woman] also advised she knows it was wrong and apologized."

No clue what the first cop alledgedly said to the blonde woman's friend that she considered rude enough to go to jail over.

__Ball of confusion__

The female owner of an insurance business on the Westside was assisting customers when a young boy threw a basketball up against her glass window by accident. The woman went outside and asked the boy to move his game down the street. The child agreed to move elsewhere. Suddenly, a random grown woman (not the boy's mother) snatched the ball from the child, hurled the ball violently at the glass, and said, "Bitch, what you going to do now?" Then the random woman rushed forward and alledgedly punched the insurance woman's face while two security guards looked on.

The insurance woman called police. Two cops arrived but the woman said nothing was done because the two cops said they had a shooting to go to.

__Road trip snafu__

Two females in their 20s recently drove from Columbus, Georgia, to the West End. They told police they became tired and decided to park near a barbershop, where they fell asleep in the car. The older woman, 24, said her car was perfectly fine before their impromptu nap. Post-nap, however, the women discovered the car was severely damaged. Neither woman knew how the car became damaged while they slept.

"[[The 24-year-old] said they were hard sleepers and did not hear anything," a cop noted. The younger woman, 20, reportedly kept yelling louder and louder and resisted arrest. The older woman saw her friend imploding and suddenly changed her story: Her friend was driving the car and must have caused the damage. Cops didn't buy it. The older woman alledgedly became furious when cops said they couldn't do a damaged car report on damage that likely occurred long before the car arrived in Atlanta. Outraged, both women went to jail and were charged with obstructing police.

__Good guys rule__

A Grant Park man was asleep when someone started knocking on his front door at 2 a.m. The man, 37, looked out his window and saw a 24-year-old woman pounding on his door. He'd never met the woman before. He opened the door and tried to speak to the woman but she didn't respond. A cop later noted, "[[The man] advised me that he let her in because he did not want [[the 24-year-old woman] to get taken advantage of because she appeared to be intoxicated." The man allowed the woozy woman to sit on his sofa and she promptly fell asleep, so he called 911 to get help.

When a cop arrived, the woman was "passed out on the man's sofa" and had "vomited all over herself." The cop tried to wake the woman, but she kept snoozing. The cop had to call backup units to rouse her. Finally, the woman opened her eyes. The cop asked, "Where are you right now?" The woman replied, "Valdosta State University — just coming from a party." No injuries.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(5355) "       2016-06-23T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Out on a limb (2) ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-06-23T08:00:00+00:00  A 21-year-old female clerk recently had a rough day at a Little Five Points boutique. A woman with one leg reportedly barged into the boutique and got in the clerk's face. At one point, the one-legged woman left the boutique and started yelling at the clerk through the store window. The woman eventually stormed back into the boutique and knocked accessories off the counter and reportedly punched the clerk's face.

"After being escorted out, the woman with one leg then kicked the door and even spit on it," a cop noted in the police report. It's not clear how a woman with one leg kicked the boutique door. When police arrived, the one-legged woman suddenly disappeared.

Swimming pool blues

A blonde woman in her 40s swiped an Atlanta police officer's keys while she was poolside at a Midtown apartment complex. The officer was not on duty at the time. Apparently, he was lounging poolside as well. The officer called an on-duty cop to the pool to help retrieve his keys. They went to the woman's apartment and heard loud music booming from inside. After the officers knocked on the door there was a long pause.

A cop recalled: "The door swung open and a blonde female with dark glasses answered the door saying, 'You need to chill out and not knock on my door like that.'"

The first cop told the woman she was under arrest for stealing the officer's keys. The woman replied, "Wait, I am not under arrest. I have your keys, serves you right." The woman ran to her purse, grabbed the keys, and hurled them toward the second cop. "I caught the keys and confirmed with the first cop that they were his; he said they were." The woman resisted arrest.

"To take control of the situation, the first cop pinned the woman to the wall, and I held her in place," the second cop recalled. "The woman admitted taking the keys to prove a point to the first cop, whom she felt was being rude to her friend earlier that day. She advised that she did take his keys from the pool area and was going to keep them for a while before she returned them. The woman also advised she knows it was wrong and apologized."

No clue what the first cop alledgedly said to the blonde woman's friend that she considered rude enough to go to jail over.

Ball of confusion

The female owner of an insurance business on the Westside was assisting customers when a young boy threw a basketball up against her glass window by accident. The woman went outside and asked the boy to move his game down the street. The child agreed to move elsewhere. Suddenly, a random grown woman (not the boy's mother) snatched the ball from the child, hurled the ball violently at the glass, and said, "Bitch, what you going to do now?" Then the random woman rushed forward and alledgedly punched the insurance woman's face while two security guards looked on.

The insurance woman called police. Two cops arrived but the woman said nothing was done because the two cops said they had a shooting to go to.

Road trip snafu

Two females in their 20s recently drove from Columbus, Georgia, to the West End. They told police they became tired and decided to park near a barbershop, where they fell asleep in the car. The older woman, 24, said her car was perfectly fine before their impromptu nap. Post-nap, however, the women discovered the car was severely damaged. Neither woman knew how the car became damaged while they slept.

"The 24-year-old said they were hard sleepers and did not hear anything," a cop noted. The younger woman, 20, reportedly kept yelling louder and louder and resisted arrest. The older woman saw her friend imploding and suddenly changed her story: Her friend was driving the car and must have caused the damage. Cops didn't buy it. The older woman alledgedly became furious when cops said they couldn't do a damaged car report on damage that likely occurred long before the car arrived in Atlanta. Outraged, both women went to jail and were charged with obstructing police.

Good guys rule

A Grant Park man was asleep when someone started knocking on his front door at 2 a.m. The man, 37, looked out his window and saw a 24-year-old woman pounding on his door. He'd never met the woman before. He opened the door and tried to speak to the woman but she didn't respond. A cop later noted, "The man advised me that he let her in because he did not want the 24-year-old woman to get taken advantage of because she appeared to be intoxicated." The man allowed the woozy woman to sit on his sofa and she promptly fell asleep, so he called 911 to get help.

When a cop arrived, the woman was "passed out on the man's sofa" and had "vomited all over herself." The cop tried to wake the woman, but she kept snoozing. The cop had to call backup units to rouse her. Finally, the woman opened her eyes. The cop asked, "Where are you right now?" The woman replied, "Valdosta State University — just coming from a party." No injuries.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087683 17314702        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/06/08338b_news_blotter1_1_09.png                  The Blotter: Out on a limb (2) "
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Article

Thursday June 23, 2016 04:00 am EDT
A 21-year-old female clerk recently had a rough day at a Little Five Points boutique. A woman with one leg reportedly barged into the boutique and got in the clerk's face. At one point, the one-legged woman left the boutique and started yelling at the clerk through the store window. The woman eventually stormed back into the boutique and knocked accessories off the counter and reportedly... | more...
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  string(4914) "A pork chop purchase went awry on Ponce de Leon Avenue. A man reeking of booze walked into a grocery store with only one item on his list: pork chops. According to the store manager, the man yelled at a female cashier because she was did not bag his pork chops properly, and then the man bagged the chops himself. The manager asked the man to calm down, and offered to help him with the pork chops.

The manager said the irate man left but returned an hour later insisting he'd forgotten his beloved pork chops. The man reportedly yelled at the same female cashier, and tried to get in her face. The manager stepped between the frightened cashier and the agitated man and convinced the irate man to leave.

The angry man drove away on a moped but proceeded to call the manager four times threatening to call his fleet of attorneys and press charges against the grocery store.

Killer imagination

In Downtown Atlanta, a 34-year-old man flagged down a cop and said he had killed numerous people over the course of several years. Stunned, the cop called his boss, who demanded that the Homicide Unit immediately interview the man about his multiple murder confessions.

"The 34-year-old man] stated he was having a particularly hard day at work because he felt he wasn't being heard by his supervisor," the cop noted in the police report. "He also stated that several people that he worked with didn't like him. As a result, they treated him badly. He felt fed up and wanted to be alone. The 34-year-old man stated he had several other problems in life, such as his medical health, mental health and money issues. The man decided to leave his shift and make contact with the first police officer he saw. He looked up open unsolved murders on the Internet and decided to admit that he participated in the killing of multiple people."

But the man was blowing smoke. "Once I interviewed him, the man stated he never committed a violent felony," the cop noted. "The only reason he made a false confession was to get an emergency response from police. The man said he needed someone to talk to." Well, mission accomplished.

The cop called the man's supervisor and worked out a compromise: The 34-year-old man would not be charged for his fake murder confession, but the cop gave both the troubled man and his supervisor his personal phone number so they could call if more problems cropped up.

Pious problems

An assistant pastor at an Old Fourth Ward church called police and said he received an alarming email from a 25-year-old man a few days ago. The assistant pastor stated the 25-year-old man was currently at the church and he needed police assistance.

"The email stated things that were going on in 25-year-old's household," a cop noted. "It described how he was not eating and under bad living conditions and was frustrated at his life and the people that are in it, including the Church family. The email referenced scriptures from the Bible. One of the scriptures referenced how he was going to come to the church, sent by God with a sword to unleash what God had told him to unleash on the congregation."

The email shocked the assistant pastor. "Due to their history" he asked police to remove the man from the church.

The cop questioned the 25-year-old. "He seemed to understand his actions and spoke very calmly. He did not seem irrational and was very much in his right mind. He explained to me that he did not mean his comments in the email to be taken as a threat, but that he had a word from God that he wanted to speak to the church. He said the assistant pastor overreacted and took his statement out of context."

The cop gave the 25-year-old a trespassing warning and a lifetime ban from his church.

Troubled waters

The Adams Park public swimming pool had a rough summer debut. The pool manager said she was closing one night when two young men in sunglasses (roughly age 18 to 20) started taunting her outside the pool fence. She said the men badgered her over and over, demanding she reveal her name. When she ignored them, the men became agitated. Eventually, the men gave up and left, saying, "Oh, you're mean. That's fine, we'll see you tomorrow."

The pool manager finished closing procedures and left for the night.

The next morning, the pool was in complete disarray and vandalized. Someone poured more than five gallons of paint and five gallons of concrete mixer into the pool. "I also observed multiple gallons of paint spilled all over the deck of the pool," a cop noted. "Multiple doors had been damaged with a sledgehammer. A mural painted on one of the pool buildings had yellow paint thrown across it. Inside the same building, vandals had thrown four concrete blocks into the surge tank." It'll cost taxpayers about $13,000 to fix the pool.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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The manager said the irate man left but returned an hour later insisting he'd forgotten his beloved pork chops. The man reportedly yelled at the same female cashier, and tried to get in her face. The manager stepped between the frightened cashier and the agitated man and convinced the irate man to leave.

The angry man drove away on a moped but proceeded to call the manager four times threatening to call his fleet of attorneys and press charges against the grocery store.

__Killer imagination__

In Downtown Atlanta, a 34-year-old man flagged down a cop and said he had killed numerous people over the course of several years. Stunned, the cop called his boss, who demanded that the Homicide Unit immediately interview the man about his multiple murder confessions.

"The 34-year-old man] stated he was having a particularly hard day at work because he felt he wasn't being heard by his supervisor," the cop noted in the police report. "He also stated that several [[people] that he worked with didn't like him. As a result, they treated him badly. He felt fed up and wanted to be alone. [[The 34-year-old man] stated he had several other problems in life, such as his medical health, mental health and money issues. [[The man] decided to leave his shift and make contact with the first police officer he saw. He looked up open unsolved murders on the Internet and decided to admit that he participated in the killing of multiple people."

But the man was blowing smoke. "Once I interviewed him, [[the man] stated he never committed a [[violent] felony," the cop noted. "The only reason he made a false confession was to get an emergency response from police. The man said he needed someone to talk to." Well, mission accomplished.

The cop called the man's supervisor and worked out a compromise: The 34-year-old man would not be charged for his fake murder confession, but the cop gave both the troubled man and his supervisor his personal phone number so they could call if more problems cropped up.

__Pious problems__

An assistant pastor at an Old Fourth Ward church called police and said he received an alarming email from a 25-year-old man a few days ago. The assistant pastor stated the 25-year-old man was currently at the church and he needed police assistance.

"The email stated things that were going on in [[25-year-old's] household," a cop noted. "It described how he was not eating and under bad living conditions and was frustrated at his life and the people that are in it, including the Church family. The email referenced scriptures from the Bible. One of the scriptures referenced how he was going to come to the church, sent by God with a sword to unleash what God had told him to unleash on the congregation."

The email shocked the assistant pastor. "Due to their history" he asked police to remove the man from the church.

The cop questioned the 25-year-old. "[[He] seemed to understand his actions and spoke very calmly. He did not seem irrational and was very much in his right mind. [[He] explained to me that he did not mean his comments in the email to be taken as a threat, but that he had a word from God that he wanted to speak to the church. He said [[the assistant pastor] overreacted and took his statement out of context."

The cop gave the 25-year-old a trespassing warning and a lifetime ban from his church.

__Troubled waters__

The Adams Park public swimming pool had a rough summer debut. The pool manager said she was closing one night when two young men in sunglasses (roughly age 18 to 20) started taunting her outside the pool fence. She said the men badgered her over and over, demanding she reveal her name. When she ignored them, the men became agitated. Eventually, the men gave up and left, saying, "Oh, you're mean. That's fine, we'll see you tomorrow."

The pool manager finished closing procedures and left for the night.

The next morning, the pool was in complete disarray and vandalized. Someone poured more than five gallons of paint and five gallons of concrete mixer into the pool. "I also observed multiple gallons of paint spilled all over the deck of the pool," a cop noted. "Multiple doors had been damaged with a sledgehammer. A mural painted on one of the pool buildings had yellow paint thrown across it. Inside the same building, vandals had thrown four [[concrete blocks] into the surge tank." It'll cost taxpayers about $13,000 to fix the pool.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(5217) "       2016-06-09T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Meat market ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-06-09T08:00:00+00:00  A pork chop purchase went awry on Ponce de Leon Avenue. A man reeking of booze walked into a grocery store with only one item on his list: pork chops. According to the store manager, the man yelled at a female cashier because she was did not bag his pork chops properly, and then the man bagged the chops himself. The manager asked the man to calm down, and offered to help him with the pork chops.

The manager said the irate man left but returned an hour later insisting he'd forgotten his beloved pork chops. The man reportedly yelled at the same female cashier, and tried to get in her face. The manager stepped between the frightened cashier and the agitated man and convinced the irate man to leave.

The angry man drove away on a moped but proceeded to call the manager four times threatening to call his fleet of attorneys and press charges against the grocery store.

Killer imagination

In Downtown Atlanta, a 34-year-old man flagged down a cop and said he had killed numerous people over the course of several years. Stunned, the cop called his boss, who demanded that the Homicide Unit immediately interview the man about his multiple murder confessions.

"The 34-year-old man] stated he was having a particularly hard day at work because he felt he wasn't being heard by his supervisor," the cop noted in the police report. "He also stated that several people that he worked with didn't like him. As a result, they treated him badly. He felt fed up and wanted to be alone. The 34-year-old man stated he had several other problems in life, such as his medical health, mental health and money issues. The man decided to leave his shift and make contact with the first police officer he saw. He looked up open unsolved murders on the Internet and decided to admit that he participated in the killing of multiple people."

But the man was blowing smoke. "Once I interviewed him, the man stated he never committed a violent felony," the cop noted. "The only reason he made a false confession was to get an emergency response from police. The man said he needed someone to talk to." Well, mission accomplished.

The cop called the man's supervisor and worked out a compromise: The 34-year-old man would not be charged for his fake murder confession, but the cop gave both the troubled man and his supervisor his personal phone number so they could call if more problems cropped up.

Pious problems

An assistant pastor at an Old Fourth Ward church called police and said he received an alarming email from a 25-year-old man a few days ago. The assistant pastor stated the 25-year-old man was currently at the church and he needed police assistance.

"The email stated things that were going on in 25-year-old's household," a cop noted. "It described how he was not eating and under bad living conditions and was frustrated at his life and the people that are in it, including the Church family. The email referenced scriptures from the Bible. One of the scriptures referenced how he was going to come to the church, sent by God with a sword to unleash what God had told him to unleash on the congregation."

The email shocked the assistant pastor. "Due to their history" he asked police to remove the man from the church.

The cop questioned the 25-year-old. "He seemed to understand his actions and spoke very calmly. He did not seem irrational and was very much in his right mind. He explained to me that he did not mean his comments in the email to be taken as a threat, but that he had a word from God that he wanted to speak to the church. He said the assistant pastor overreacted and took his statement out of context."

The cop gave the 25-year-old a trespassing warning and a lifetime ban from his church.

Troubled waters

The Adams Park public swimming pool had a rough summer debut. The pool manager said she was closing one night when two young men in sunglasses (roughly age 18 to 20) started taunting her outside the pool fence. She said the men badgered her over and over, demanding she reveal her name. When she ignored them, the men became agitated. Eventually, the men gave up and left, saying, "Oh, you're mean. That's fine, we'll see you tomorrow."

The pool manager finished closing procedures and left for the night.

The next morning, the pool was in complete disarray and vandalized. Someone poured more than five gallons of paint and five gallons of concrete mixer into the pool. "I also observed multiple gallons of paint spilled all over the deck of the pool," a cop noted. "Multiple doors had been damaged with a sledgehammer. A mural painted on one of the pool buildings had yellow paint thrown across it. Inside the same building, vandals had thrown four concrete blocks into the surge tank." It'll cost taxpayers about $13,000 to fix the pool.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087535 17270960        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/06/0788ae_news_blotter1_1_07.png                  The Blotter: Meat market "
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Article

Thursday June 9, 2016 04:00 am EDT
A pork chop purchase went awry on Ponce de Leon Avenue. A man reeking of booze walked into a grocery store with only one item on his list: pork chops. According to the store manager, the man yelled at a female cashier because she was did not bag his pork chops properly, and then the man bagged the chops himself. The manager asked the man to calm down, and offered to help him with the pork... | more...
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  ["title"]=>
  string(29) "The Blotter: Spooky ambitions"
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  string(4655) "Cops received a call about a masked man dressed in all black, who was reportedly scaring people on the Beltline in Old Fourth Ward. The masked man had a pumpkin tattoo on his left upper arm and was riding a skateboard. A cop found the masked man sitting on top of an underpass on Willoughby Way. "Once he saw us, I told him to come down," the cop noted. "He then got up and ran." The masked man, 21, tried to flee on his skateboard. Apparently, he's not too quick on the board, because a second cop showed up and quickly "bear-hugged" the masked man and plucked him off his skateboard. After the "bear hug," both the cop and the masked man fell to the ground, and the masked man landed on his knees. The cop asked the masked man if he was OK. Yes, he replied. Then the cop asked why he ran. The masked man said he's a "tagger" and there might be a warrant out for his arrest.

At first, the masked man gave a fake name to the cop, but that charade only lasted about 10 minutes before he admitted his real name. The cop ran a computer check that revealed the man's Gwinnett County warrant for probation violation.

"The accused had several black spray paint cans on his person, along with a black knife," the cop noted. "The accused said he tags with a group called 'Team Halloween.'" The cop hauled the masked man to jail and he was charged with obstructing police and giving a fake name.

Mental baggage

In West Atlanta, a 46-year-old man called police about a strange incident inside his bedroom. The man said he left his bedroom and returned the next morning. "When he returned to the location, he noticed that his blinds were open and there was a purse sitting on his bed," a cop noted. The man's bedroom door was secured with a padlock and there was no damage to the lock or the hinge.

"The man insisted that someone pulled the nails out of the padlock hinge, but there were no pry marks on the hinge or the door itself," the cop wrote. "There was nothing taken from the room. The man believes that his roommates at the location are going into his bedroom while he is gone from the residence."

"They are jealous because I have a job and they do not," the man explained to police. Also, the man said the purse left on his bed actually belongs to his girlfriend and the contents inside her purse — more purses! — also belonged to his girlfriend. It's unclear whether his girlfriend is real or imaginary.

Excruciating excrements

Cops received a call about a 63-year-old woman down in Adair Park. The woman's daughter had called multiple times, trying to get the woman to answer her phone. Cops arrived and knocked on the front door and windows — no response. The woman's daughter gave the cops permission to enter her mother's home by force. Cops pried open the back door, walked inside, and heard a voice in the rear of the home. "A woman was found on the floor, conscious and breathing," the cop wrote. "The female was sitting up in front of a sofa (covered in urine and feces). It appeared she slid from the sofa unto the floor, unable to pull herself up," the cop continued. "In the home, there were bottles filled with urine. The bathroom door observed not to be opened in a while (spider webs covering its door)."

Minutes later, the daughter arrived at her mother's home, and cops questioned her about the conditions of the home. "She states she asked her mother to leave the home but she refuses," a cop noted.

Ladies, don't gawk at the hawk

A man with a mohawk haircut and two nose piercings ambled into a ritzy designer store at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Female clerks noticed his distinctive look right away and recalled to police that he wore a black tank top and camouflage shorts. The man allegedly managed to swipe a pair of $325 Salvatore Ferragamo sunglasses from the store. He stuffed the sunglasses inside his bag and sprinted away. A clerk tried to chase him through the airport, following his Mohawk as far as her eyes could see. Somehow, the man blended in with the crowds of airport passengers and he got away with the crime.

Sampler platter

In Downtown, a stumbling man flagged down a cop and said he'd been drinking all day and needed help. The man said he went into a pharmacy and took bites out of various food packages and damaged other food items. The man said he was afraid he would do "bad things" while drunk. The pharmacy staff confirmed the man took a single bite out of an array of food packages. Cops took the man to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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  string(4684) "Cops received a call about a masked man dressed in all black, who was reportedly scaring people on the Beltline in Old Fourth Ward. The masked man had a pumpkin tattoo on his left upper arm and was riding a skateboard. A cop found the masked man sitting on top of an underpass on Willoughby Way. "Once he saw us, I told him to come down," the cop noted. "He then got up and ran." The masked man, 21, tried to flee on his skateboard. Apparently, he's not too quick on the board, because a second cop showed up and quickly "bear-hugged" the masked man and plucked him off his skateboard. After the "bear hug," both the cop and the masked man fell to the ground, and the masked man landed on his knees. The cop asked the masked man if he was OK. Yes, he replied. Then the cop asked why he ran. The masked man said he's a "tagger" and there might be a warrant out for his arrest.

At first, the masked man gave a fake name to the cop, but that charade only lasted about 10 minutes before he admitted his real name. The cop ran a computer check that revealed the man's Gwinnett County warrant for probation violation.

"The accused had several black spray paint cans on his person, along with a black knife," the cop noted. "The accused said he tags with a group called 'Team Halloween.'" The cop hauled the masked man to jail and he was charged with obstructing police and giving a fake name.

__Mental baggage__

In West Atlanta, a 46-year-old man called police about a strange incident inside his bedroom. The man said he left his bedroom and returned the next morning. "When he returned to the location, he noticed that his blinds were open and there was a purse sitting on his bed," a cop noted. The man's bedroom door was secured with a padlock and there was no damage to the lock or the hinge.

"[[The man] insisted that someone pulled the nails out of the padlock hinge, but there were no pry marks on the hinge or the door itself," the cop wrote. "There was nothing taken from the room. [[The man] believes that his roommates at the location are going into his bedroom while he is gone from the residence."

"They are jealous because I have a job and they do not," the man explained to police. Also, the man said the purse left on his bed actually belongs to his girlfriend and the contents inside her purse — more purses! — also belonged to his girlfriend. It's unclear whether his girlfriend is real or imaginary.

__Excruciating excrements__

Cops received a call about a 63-year-old woman down in Adair Park. The woman's daughter had called multiple times, trying to get the woman to answer her phone. Cops arrived and knocked on the front door and windows — no response. The woman's daughter gave the cops permission to enter her mother's home by force. Cops pried open the back door, walked inside, and heard a voice in the rear of the home. "A woman was found on the floor, conscious and breathing," the cop wrote. "The female was sitting up in front of a sofa (covered in urine and feces). It appeared she slid from the sofa unto the floor, unable to pull herself up," the cop continued. "In the home, there were bottles filled with urine. The bathroom door observed not to be opened in a while (spider webs covering its door)."

Minutes later, the daughter arrived at her mother's home, and cops questioned her about the conditions of the home. "She states she [[asked] her mother to leave the home but she refuses," a cop noted.

__Ladies, don't gawk at the hawk__

A man with a mohawk haircut and two nose piercings ambled into a ritzy designer store at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Female clerks noticed his distinctive look right away and recalled to police that he wore a black tank top and camouflage shorts. The man allegedly managed to swipe a pair of $325 Salvatore Ferragamo sunglasses from the store. He stuffed the sunglasses inside his bag and sprinted away. A clerk tried to chase him through the airport, following his Mohawk as far as her eyes could see. Somehow, the man blended in with the crowds of airport passengers and he got away with the crime.

__Sampler platter__

In Downtown, a stumbling man flagged down a cop and said he'd been drinking all day and needed help. The man said he went into a pharmacy and took bites out of various food packages and damaged other food items. The man said he was afraid he would do "bad things" while drunk. The pharmacy staff confirmed the man took a single bite out of an array of food packages. Cops took the man to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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At first, the masked man gave a fake name to the cop, but that charade only lasted about 10 minutes before he admitted his real name. The cop ran a computer check that revealed the man's Gwinnett County warrant for probation violation.

"The accused had several black spray paint cans on his person, along with a black knife," the cop noted. "The accused said he tags with a group called 'Team Halloween.'" The cop hauled the masked man to jail and he was charged with obstructing police and giving a fake name.

Mental baggage

In West Atlanta, a 46-year-old man called police about a strange incident inside his bedroom. The man said he left his bedroom and returned the next morning. "When he returned to the location, he noticed that his blinds were open and there was a purse sitting on his bed," a cop noted. The man's bedroom door was secured with a padlock and there was no damage to the lock or the hinge.

"The man insisted that someone pulled the nails out of the padlock hinge, but there were no pry marks on the hinge or the door itself," the cop wrote. "There was nothing taken from the room. The man believes that his roommates at the location are going into his bedroom while he is gone from the residence."

"They are jealous because I have a job and they do not," the man explained to police. Also, the man said the purse left on his bed actually belongs to his girlfriend and the contents inside her purse — more purses! — also belonged to his girlfriend. It's unclear whether his girlfriend is real or imaginary.

Excruciating excrements

Cops received a call about a 63-year-old woman down in Adair Park. The woman's daughter had called multiple times, trying to get the woman to answer her phone. Cops arrived and knocked on the front door and windows — no response. The woman's daughter gave the cops permission to enter her mother's home by force. Cops pried open the back door, walked inside, and heard a voice in the rear of the home. "A woman was found on the floor, conscious and breathing," the cop wrote. "The female was sitting up in front of a sofa (covered in urine and feces). It appeared she slid from the sofa unto the floor, unable to pull herself up," the cop continued. "In the home, there were bottles filled with urine. The bathroom door observed not to be opened in a while (spider webs covering its door)."

Minutes later, the daughter arrived at her mother's home, and cops questioned her about the conditions of the home. "She states she asked her mother to leave the home but she refuses," a cop noted.

Ladies, don't gawk at the hawk

A man with a mohawk haircut and two nose piercings ambled into a ritzy designer store at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Female clerks noticed his distinctive look right away and recalled to police that he wore a black tank top and camouflage shorts. The man allegedly managed to swipe a pair of $325 Salvatore Ferragamo sunglasses from the store. He stuffed the sunglasses inside his bag and sprinted away. A clerk tried to chase him through the airport, following his Mohawk as far as her eyes could see. Somehow, the man blended in with the crowds of airport passengers and he got away with the crime.

Sampler platter

In Downtown, a stumbling man flagged down a cop and said he'd been drinking all day and needed help. The man said he went into a pharmacy and took bites out of various food packages and damaged other food items. The man said he was afraid he would do "bad things" while drunk. The pharmacy staff confirmed the man took a single bite out of an array of food packages. Cops took the man to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087457 17246233        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/05/072817_news_blotter1_1_06.png                  The Blotter: Spooky ambitions "
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Article

Thursday June 2, 2016 04:00 am EDT
Cops received a call about a masked man dressed in all black, who was reportedly scaring people on the Beltline in Old Fourth Ward. The masked man had a pumpkin tattoo on his left upper arm and was riding a skateboard. A cop found the masked man sitting on top of an underpass on Willoughby Way. "Once he saw us, I told him to come down," the cop noted. "He then got up and ran." The masked man,... | more...
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  string(4225) "Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "His movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold the driver on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, the driver became increasingly irate. He screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, the driver screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

Gender bender

A brouhaha erupted on the dance floor of an East Atlanta club. A cop spotted a 25-year-old man in a torn white T-shirt standing in the parking lot. "I noticed that his shirt was ripped and he appeared to have been involved in a dispute," a cop noted. The man said he was at the dance club with a female friend and an agitated guy kept trying to dance with his friend. The man told police the agitated guy punched him three times and he defended himself. "He just kept fuckin' hitting me," the man told police. Eventually, the man was able to wrestle the agitated guy to the dance floor. "When I told him that he was reported fighting with a female, he stated there was no way this guy was a girl," a cop noted.

The man's female friend said they were at the dance club to see a drag show and a strange woman started dancing with her and was getting really pushy and physical. "The female friend even stated that the staff of the location attempted to pull the woman away from her, apologizing, stating that she is often aggressive with patrons at the location," the cop noted. "Her male friend stepped in and a fight ensued. I asked her to describe the other female and she stated she had very short hair, like mine, which was short and shaved on the sides and not much hair on top."

The cop tracked down the mystery female dancer. She said she was trying to dance with a cute girl at the club and a guy got offended and a fight started. She wants to press charges.

Strange calling, part 1

A man recently called a store at a Westside strip mall and "said he was part of the Illuminati and by the end of the day, the store would be blown up," a cop noted. Everyone was evacuated from the building and Homeland Security swept in. Turns out, the Illuminati man was blowing smoke. Nothing erupted at the store, and nothing was missing or out of place.

Strange calling, part 2

In the Edgewood district, a man said someone illegally booted his silver Saturn. How did he know? "He states he attempted to call the number listed on the sticker, and it was a porn hotline," a cop noted. The man called the 800 number while the cop was present. Indeed, it was a porn hotline.

The ex files

A 32-year-old woman returned to her home near Greenbriar Mall and found her bedroom in total disarray. "The woman stated that a lady she was messing with trashed her room and stole items," a cop noted. "The woman stated that at about 6 p.m., the lady contacted her to meet up and throw away a sex toy that they would use together. When the 32-year-old refused, it caused the lady to get angry due to the fact that the 32-year-old broke up with her earlier this week."

The woman said her ex-lover made threats and tried to contact her on Facetime, which she didn't answer. The woman said the front door to her home is usually unlocked because her mother is always there, and her ex-lover knows this and took advantage of the situation. The woman's bedroom mirror was shattered. The only items missing included a pair of green Gucci flip-flops and a white Armani outfit.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "[[His] movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold [[the driver] on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, [[the driver] became increasingly irate. [[He] screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, [[the driver] screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

__Gender bender__

A brouhaha erupted on the dance floor of an East Atlanta club. A cop spotted a 25-year-old man in a torn white T-shirt standing in the parking lot. "I noticed that his shirt was ripped and he appeared to have been involved in a dispute," a cop noted. The man said he was at the dance club with a female friend and an agitated guy kept trying to dance with his friend. The man told police the agitated guy punched him three times and he defended himself. "He just kept fuckin' hitting me," the man told police. Eventually, the man was able to wrestle the agitated guy to the dance floor. "When I told him that he was reported fighting with a female, he stated there was no way this guy was a girl," a cop noted.

The man's female friend said they were at the dance club to see a drag show and a strange woman started dancing with her and was getting really pushy and physical. "[[The female friend] even stated that the staff of the location attempted to pull the woman away from her, apologizing, stating that she is often aggressive with patrons at the location," the cop noted. "[[Her male friend] stepped in and a fight ensued. I asked [[her] to describe the other female and she stated she had very short hair, like mine, which was short and shaved on the sides and not much hair on top."

The cop tracked down the mystery female dancer. She said she was trying to dance with a cute girl at the club and a guy got offended and a fight started. She wants to press charges.

__Strange calling, part 1__

A man recently called a store at a Westside strip mall and "said he was part of the Illuminati and by the end of the day, the store would be blown up," a cop noted. Everyone was evacuated from the building and Homeland Security swept in. Turns out, the Illuminati man was blowing smoke. Nothing erupted at the store, and nothing was missing or out of place.

__Strange calling, part 2__

In the Edgewood district, a man said someone illegally booted his silver Saturn. How did he know? "He states he attempted to call the number listed on the sticker, and it was a porn hotline," a cop noted. The man called the 800 number while the cop was present. Indeed, it was a porn hotline.

__The ex files__

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  string(4548) "       2016-05-26T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Flexible space oddity ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-05-26T08:00:00+00:00  Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

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Gender bender

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Strange calling, part 1

A man recently called a store at a Westside strip mall and "said he was part of the Illuminati and by the end of the day, the store would be blown up," a cop noted. Everyone was evacuated from the building and Homeland Security swept in. Turns out, the Illuminati man was blowing smoke. Nothing erupted at the store, and nothing was missing or out of place.

Strange calling, part 2

In the Edgewood district, a man said someone illegally booted his silver Saturn. How did he know? "He states he attempted to call the number listed on the sticker, and it was a porn hotline," a cop noted. The man called the 800 number while the cop was present. Indeed, it was a porn hotline.

The ex files

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Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087415 17236505        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/05/070215_news_blotter1_1_05.png                  The Blotter: Flexible space oddity "
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Article

Thursday May 26, 2016 04:00 am EDT

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before...

| more...
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  string(4779) "A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: Two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine " from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses. The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules. He claims the neighbor's dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also alledgedly bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone.

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Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

"Feeling Myself"

On the Westside, a 38-year-old man called police about strange calls and texts. "Upon my arrival, I met the victim a 38-year-old man who stated while he was pleasuring himself on Facetime, someone video-recorded him without his consent," a cop noted. "The man stated he was contacted online by several persons ... proposing to have his video. He stated a male was requesting a reward of $500 before the video can be removed."

The man had several text messages with alleged demands. Police told him to secure his phone for further investigation.

"Heart's Filthy Lesson"

A cop on patrol in Piedmont Park "noticed a group of males" huddled together late at night. "Two of the males were standing while a third male was in between the two males performing sexual acts," the cop noted. "Specifically, the male provided oral sex and ejaculation to the two males standing. At some point, the third male left the location and the accused along with another male continued the acts together. The accused groped and caressed the other male repeatedly while fondling and ejaculating himself."

The two frisky men freaked out when they noticed the cop. They ran in opposite directions and one man escaped.

Sprinting across the park, the cop chased the accused suspect, a 41-year-old man. "The accused fell to the ground and rolled onto his back," the cop noted. "He refused to turn over on his stomach and assumed an aggressive position."

The man tried to get sympathy from the cop. "He told me he was having problems with his wife. He went on to say he would leave the park immediately and tell his wife everything he had done in the park, if I would agree to let him go," the cop noted. Nice try, but no dice. The cop cited the 41-year-old for indecency and took him to jail. Bet that was one uncomfortable call to his wife.

"Flash Delirium"

Cops spotted a 19-year-old man "acting erratic" throughout the day at a music festival in Centennial Olympic Park. "I observed the 19-year-old jump up on stage where a band was currently playing," a cop noted. "The man began running around on stage, causing a disturbance with the band as well as the crowd, who was trying to enjoy the performance. Once I proceeded to the man's direction, without him knowing, he then jumped off stage into the crowd. At that point, I jumped a fence that separated the stage from the crowd, located the man within the crowd and apprehended him." The man allegedly tried to resist and lunged back toward the music. The cop noted, "The man tried to leave a number of times and admitted to using the narcotic acid." Apparently, the man felt incredibly strong when high: Cops had to use several pairs of handcuffs, "as well as flex-cuffs and restrain him to a bed."

The cop sat with the tripping man for five hours before he was taken to the Grady Memorial Hospital detention center.

Turns out, the 19-year-old used a fake ID to get into the 21-and-over music festival. His parents were notified and showed up at Grady about an hour after he was admitted. Awkward end to his day-long trip.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
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The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses. The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules. He claims the neighbor's dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also [[alledgedly] bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone.

The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine") and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report.

Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

__"Feeling Myself"__

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The man had several text messages with alleged demands. Police told him to secure his phone for further investigation.

__"Heart's Filthy Lesson"__

A cop on patrol in Piedmont Park "noticed a group of males" huddled together late at night. "Two of the males were standing while a third male was in between the two males performing sexual acts," the cop noted. "Specifically, the male provided oral sex and ejaculation to the two males standing. At some point, the third male left the location and the accused along with another male continued the acts together. The accused groped and caressed the other male repeatedly while fondling and ejaculating himself."

The two frisky men freaked out when they noticed the cop. They ran in opposite directions and one man escaped.

Sprinting across the park, the cop chased the accused suspect, a 41-year-old man. "The accused fell to the ground and rolled onto his back," the cop noted. "He refused to turn over on his stomach and assumed an aggressive position."

The man tried to get sympathy from the cop. "[[He] told me he was having problems with his wife. He went on to say he would leave the park immediately and tell his wife everything he had done in the park, if I would agree to let him go," the cop noted. Nice try, but no dice. The cop cited the 41-year-old for indecency and took him to jail. Bet that was one uncomfortable call to his wife.

__"Flash Delirium"__

Cops spotted a 19-year-old man "acting erratic" throughout the day at a music festival in Centennial Olympic Park. "I observed [[the 19-year-old] jump up on stage where a band was currently playing," a cop noted. "[[The man] began running around on stage, causing a disturbance with the band as well as the crowd, who was trying to enjoy the performance. Once I proceeded to [[the man's] direction, without him knowing, he then jumped off stage into the crowd. At that point, I jumped a fence that separated the stage from the crowd, located [[the man] within the crowd and apprehended him." The man allegedly tried to resist and lunged back toward the music. The cop noted, "[[The man] tried to leave a number of times and admitted to using the narcotic acid." Apparently, the man felt incredibly strong when high: Cops had to use several pairs of handcuffs, "as well as flex-cuffs and restrain him to a bed."

The cop sat with the tripping man for five hours before he was taken to the Grady Memorial Hospital detention center.

Turns out, the 19-year-old used a fake ID to get into the 21-and-over music festival. His parents were notified and showed up at Grady about an hour after he was admitted. Awkward end to his day-long trip.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(5058) "       2016-05-19T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Brown trickle woes   Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-05-19T08:00:00+00:00  A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: Two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine " from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses. The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules. He claims the neighbor's dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also alledgedly bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone.

The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine") and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report.

Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

"Feeling Myself"

On the Westside, a 38-year-old man called police about strange calls and texts. "Upon my arrival, I met the victim a 38-year-old man who stated while he was pleasuring himself on Facetime, someone video-recorded him without his consent," a cop noted. "The man stated he was contacted online by several persons ... proposing to have his video. He stated a male was requesting a reward of $500 before the video can be removed."

The man had several text messages with alleged demands. Police told him to secure his phone for further investigation.

"Heart's Filthy Lesson"

A cop on patrol in Piedmont Park "noticed a group of males" huddled together late at night. "Two of the males were standing while a third male was in between the two males performing sexual acts," the cop noted. "Specifically, the male provided oral sex and ejaculation to the two males standing. At some point, the third male left the location and the accused along with another male continued the acts together. The accused groped and caressed the other male repeatedly while fondling and ejaculating himself."

The two frisky men freaked out when they noticed the cop. They ran in opposite directions and one man escaped.

Sprinting across the park, the cop chased the accused suspect, a 41-year-old man. "The accused fell to the ground and rolled onto his back," the cop noted. "He refused to turn over on his stomach and assumed an aggressive position."

The man tried to get sympathy from the cop. "He told me he was having problems with his wife. He went on to say he would leave the park immediately and tell his wife everything he had done in the park, if I would agree to let him go," the cop noted. Nice try, but no dice. The cop cited the 41-year-old for indecency and took him to jail. Bet that was one uncomfortable call to his wife.

"Flash Delirium"

Cops spotted a 19-year-old man "acting erratic" throughout the day at a music festival in Centennial Olympic Park. "I observed the 19-year-old jump up on stage where a band was currently playing," a cop noted. "The man began running around on stage, causing a disturbance with the band as well as the crowd, who was trying to enjoy the performance. Once I proceeded to the man's direction, without him knowing, he then jumped off stage into the crowd. At that point, I jumped a fence that separated the stage from the crowd, located the man within the crowd and apprehended him." The man allegedly tried to resist and lunged back toward the music. The cop noted, "The man tried to leave a number of times and admitted to using the narcotic acid." Apparently, the man felt incredibly strong when high: Cops had to use several pairs of handcuffs, "as well as flex-cuffs and restrain him to a bed."

The cop sat with the tripping man for five hours before he was taken to the Grady Memorial Hospital detention center.

Turns out, the 19-year-old used a fake ID to get into the 21-and-over music festival. His parents were notified and showed up at Grady about an hour after he was admitted. Awkward end to his day-long trip.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13087349 17221218        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/05/06c660_news_blotter1_1_04.png                  The Blotter: Brown trickle woes "
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Article

Thursday May 19, 2016 04:00 am EDT

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: Two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine " from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man...

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